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Over the past month, I closed myself into the room. When I was released from the medical room I couldn't find it in myself to be in the same room as Xavier so I picked one of the guest rooms on the other side of the hallway.
At the moment I was scared to go somewhere else because I thought that those men will come and get me again. So I picked a room just across Xavier's.
The first nights were the worst I would fear to fall asleep alone because I thought that Xavier would take me back to that room. But how the time passes I started not caring and my sleep was almost back to normal, I would wake up sometime in the night but the rest would be like before.
Now when I think about it I don't feel anything. I feel numb. I'm not scared anymore, I'm not happy, not sad.. just numb. You know that feeling after you have a good cry. That emptiness. That is how I feel.
I could see that they all are concern about me. I don't have an appetite so I don't eat a lot and that bothers them. My not talking also bothers them, but I can't bring myself to speak. I feel like if I open my mouth I'm gonna break, so instead of speaking, I keep my mouth shut and stare blankly at the wall. It's easier than look at them.
When I look at them I feel like their stares are judging me. Like they feel disgusted towards me and that hurts because I feel disgusted by myself.
I may be blacked out before those men assaulted me, but that doesn't mean that I don't know what they did and that's what brings disgust to me. I'm disguised with my body because I know that their hands were all over it.
The day after I came back to the house, Bellissa visited me and apologized for everything she did and say. She was crying and begging me to forgive her, but like Xavier, I couldn't look at her.
Did I forgive her? Yes. Am I too forgivable? Maybe, I just.. they wanted to protect themselves, their family. I would do the same if something was to happened to Daniel. Wouldn't I?
Speaking of him I miss him miserably. I didn't call him over this month because I was scared that I would say something wrong or start to cry and that would only worry him. So I stuck with plain texting.
I also found out from Bellissa, that the day after they brought me into the medical room Xavier and Dante went on a killing spree. They found those men that were with me that night and apparently their death wasn't pleasant at all.
Sighing I shook my head a little getting out of my thoughts. 'I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel numb.' I was telling myself but I couldn't bring myself to leave this room.
'Maybe he can help me? Maybe he can show me what I see when I look in the mirror?'
Finally taking a deep breath I stood up and walked out of the room going to Xavier's. I stood still in front of the door thinking 'I just want to see if he loves me still. I want to know if he sees me as I see myself, disgusting, worthless.'
