the half of it

chapter eleven

the room was pitch black, the curtains had been drawn and the lights were off. grayson laid in his bed and stared at the ceiling, going over and over in his head about what his life would be like if he never went to the train yard.

"hey.. gray?" cameron's voice came from the other side of the door, he let himself in and carefully walked to the bed.

"go away" grayson muttered, pulling the bedsheets over his head and wiping away the tears that stuck to his cheeks.

"just twenty minutes and i'll get out of your hair" cameron said as cheerfully as possible, aaron had told him to put on a smile when gray was like this and to be patient with him.

cameron grabbed graysons shoulder carefully and turned him onto his stomach, changing the colostomy bag as quick as he could while grayson sat there in silence while tears continued to run down his face.

"here you go" cameron put one hand on graysons back and with the other he tried to pull a hoodie on him, which just wouldn't work.

"stay here, i'll be right back" cameron smiled and walked out of the room, just catching grayson mutter under his breath "i don't really have a choice do i".

cameron dug around his old dresser for a t-shirt that would be easy enough to slip on grayson, he finally found an old high-school basketball shirt and held it in his hand.

he made a pit stop in graysons bathroom, grabbing deodorant and mouthwash because he was in no state to shower.

grayson sighed when he saw the t-shirt, he already knew that it would not do any favours for his colostomy bag and all his scars would be on display.

he couldn't find the energy to care enough, staying limp as cameron dressed him like a doll.

"good job, let's get you into your wheelchair" cameron coaxed grayson, instantly knowing it was the wrong move.

"i'm not a fucking child" grayson snapped, rolling back over on his side.

"i know you aren't, i'm sorry" cameron places his hand on graysons shoulder gently but his brother didn't move, staring at the empty wall with a far away look on his face.

cameron picked grayson up, as soon as grayson was sitting up he went limp. the life was practically gone from his eyes, an empty shell of anger and hatred.

"once i get you in the bucket we can swap out the shirt for a hoodie" cameron narrated more for himself than grayson as he lifted his brother into the bucket and strapped him in.

"red sounds good?" cameron asked as he pulled a burgundy sweatshirt out from the drawer, no response from grayson.

when grayson was finally dressed and ready cameron grabbed the handles of his wheelchair, pushing his brother forward as he sat there screaming inside his own head.

a bump to a corner was all it took to set it off, the dark closed in and the trains got louder. he strives for air but couldn't get any, he felt so trapped and alone.

he came to on the couch, a pillow beneath his head and a glass of water in cameron's hand. grayson immediately started bawling, muttering sentences that didn't make any sense.

"please just kill me, i can't do this" grayson sobbed, cameron's arm wrapped around him for balance.

"please, i can't do it, i can't do this" grayson moaned in agony, all the pain building inside of him.

"you can do this grayson, you're the strongest person i know" cameron squeezes grayson into his chest, hugging him like aaron did a couple of days ago.

cameron felt graysons tears roll down his back, after twenty minutes they stopped. cameron let go of grayson and laid him on the couch, placing three pillows around him.

he walked over to the kitchen and found the phone number and the address of the psychiatrist that grayson was supposed to see in an hour and dialled her number in his phone.

"hi grayson won't be able to make it to his appointment today, can we reschedule?" cameron said into the phone, glancing over at his brother lying on the couch.

"reschedule for when?" the receptionist asked as she typed on her keyboard.

"i don't know, he'll be out for a couple weeks i'm thinking" cameron said, vaguely remembering when this happened right after his accident.

"how does the 5th of next month sound?" the lady asked, cameron quickly agreed and pencilled it in to the calendar hanging on the fridge.

"great, thanks so much" cameron hung up and went into the kitchen to make some food, searching around the cupboard.

he decided on ramen, cooking one for him and one for grayson. he poured the ramen into a plastic bowl and dig through the drawers to find the biggest spoon he could to make it easier for gray.

"hey man, thought you might be hungry" cameron picked grayson up around the waist, carrying him over to the kitchen table and getting him settled into a seat.

the soup was right in front of him but grayson just stared at it, he knew he needed to eat but couldn't muster up any appetite.

"do you need help?" cameron asked hesitantly, watching carefully as grayson closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair.

grayson didn't hear his brother, tuning the rest of the world out as he focused on his heartbeat.

a cold hand snapped grayson back into reality, cameron stared at him concerned.

cameron used one hand to pull graysons chair closer towards him, directing graysons hand to the bowl and waiting patiently until he could grip the spoon.

"please, can i go back to bed?" grayson asked once the ramen was nearly finished.

"yeah, okay" cameron saw the look in graysons eyes, desperate and pained.

he carried grayson back into his room and made sure he was alright, drawing the blinds and closing the door behind him just as aaron came home from school.