Avengers: The Group Chat

The Play (Act I)

Audience (I know some people wouldn't say this, but bear with me ok, I'm trying to give the full experience):

(Outside, to valet parking) "Don't touch Lola." ~ Phil Coulson

"Remind me, why are we at a child's play again?" ~ Daisy Johnson

"For moral support, now shut up and look at the stage." ~ Melinda May

"WHAT. THE. HELL. WHAT KIND OF DOOR IS THIS?! IN STARK TOWER OF ALL PLACES?!" ~ Leopold Fitz

(Furious whisper) "FITZ! CALM DOWN! WE AREN'T THE ONLY PEOPLE HERE!" ~Jemma Simmons

"i TOLD YOU. YOU PUT MUSTARD ON THE SAUSAGE, NOT THE BREAD. WHY DID YOU SOAK THE BREAD IN THE MUSTARD FOR FUCKS SAKE" ~Gordon Ramsay

"You know, I was told this was a funeral, can you believe it? MY MANAGER TOLD ME THIS WAS A FUNERAL, not a stupid play." ~James Corden

"Honestly I'm just here for the popcorn and to watch them all mess up." ~ Ryan Reynolds

"Oh my gOD guys it's starting" *Cue fangirl noises* ~ Josh Gad

START OF ACT 1

(Curtain opens. Spooky by Dusty Springfield is playing softly in the corner)

NARRATOR (Loki): (sighs because he knows this will end terribly) We begin in 2018, where all was well. All was well? Since when in hell was everything well? This is Earth for God's sake!

CLINT (Thor): THOR'S SAKE

NARRATOR (Loki): (rolls eyes, and puts on a strained smile) Thor's sake. Yes anyway while the Asgaurdians were traveling to Earth in their spaceship, a very large, ugly brown one, came into view, and started shooting at us

(It is quite obvious that SCOTT (Bucky) is making pew pew noises offstage)

NARRATOR (Loki): SHUT UP MORTAL! (once again, puts on a strained smile) Before I was so rudely interrupted (clears throat and glares into Bucky's soul) these missiles started firing at us, and so the ship was in ruins. There was this grayish dude who looked a bit like Voldemort and took me and Thor to Thanos. Call him the grape. This grape was threatening us to give him the space stone, and before I gave it, the Hulk came SMASHING (tons of spit comes out of Loki's mouth) through, but couldn't defeat Thanos.

(We see BRUCE/HULK (Wanda) jumping onto the stage in a T-Rex costume painted green, fighting a fake Thanos. It is unkown as to who is under Thanos's costume)

NARRATOR (Loki): So he couldn't defeat Thanos, big deal. Hulk goes through the Bifrost, and I approached Thanos, knowing what was about to happen (walks, well, more like trots, to fake Thanos), I gave him the stone, told him some things, and he obviously hated my word choice. He crushed my throat, or, my fake throat, and I "died," Thor began yelling, and, honestly, I had no idea that he cared for me, but apparently he did. So the fake me died, and then I was on Earth, hiding. Where? In a log cabin in this place called Colorado. It was very nice. Stayed there for a couple years until the war was over and all that. (NARRATOR (Loki) waltzes offstage, looking very important in his "witch suit," which was actually a tuxedo, everyone just called it a witch suit, end of Act 1, Scene 1)

(A sign on the left side of the stage reads, "Sometime later...")

(TONY (Peter) marches on stage; his hair has been hair-sprayed terribly, with half of it his own hair color, and a few patches dark. He wears one of Tony's suits, which is very tight, so he keeps pulling on it, but tries to be like him all the same as he was given lessons on "How to be like Tony Stark 101" the previous day, and he did not want to disappoint his mentor)