Call it What You Want

18 - Fade to Nothing When I Look at Him

October 2017

Taylor's POV

I felt paralyzed after I got off the phone with James. His warning was clear. The agency would not hesitate to send in someone who would deliver quick results. I didn't know what I would do next. Since day one of my assignment to this operation, I kept getting hit blow by blow. First from Natalie, now from James. I had no leads to pursue much less a person to turn in for questioning. I was not going to falsify a lead to bring in someone innocent, but I also couldn't stand the thought of turning Joe over to the CIA.

The frustration continued to build inside of me. Then, the anxiety crept in to hijack my thoughts. I wanted out of this mess. I wanted to disappear. Natalie was right; I can't handle the growing lies. My breathing quickened and my heart felt like it was pounding so hard that it might burst. I leaned against the wall to stabilize myself.

"Babe?" Joe found me standing in the dimly lit hallway. I tried my best to wipe away the tears on my face as he approached, but he could instantly tell that I was not well. He wrapped his arms around me in a strong hug. We stood still enjoying the silence and each other's comforting presence. Joe had a way of calming me down like nobody else could. Not even my mom.

"Hey," he finally said in a hushed voice. "It'll be great."

"What?" I mumbled with my head still resting on his shoulder.

"Your session. It'll be amazing."

"Oh." I let out a sigh. Joe thought I was having a panic attack about my upcoming listening session. That's the reason we were in London in the first place. I planned to host a secret listening session for my new album in two weeks on October 13th. We were here this week to go over logistics, finish planning, and do some decorating.

"Should we go make sure Tree isn't turning the house upside down?" Joe asked. I knew he was trying to distract me, and I appreciated it. I followed him into the living room where Tree was, as I would have expected, taking command of the situation.

She must have sensed us entering the room because without looking up from her clipboard she fired off a list of questions: how many candles do we need to buy? Should we push all the furniture to the outside of the room? Where do you want to do food?

When I didn't answer immediately, she looked up at me. "Is everything alright?" Tree finally asked.

"Yeah, just got a little bit overwhelmed. That's all," I answered slipping back into my old habit of partial truths.

She gave me a skeptical look. "Alright, you two get out of here. I can handle the planning for an hour or two." Tree always knew what I needed without asking.

Joe and I stepped out of the house to take a stroll around the neighborhood. I breathed in the fresh fall air. We kept pace with each other well.

"Do you ever think about what would have happened if you never worked for the CIA?" Joe decided to bring up casually.

I answered truthfully, "all the time." My history with the CIA was complex, but I knew that I probably owe my musical career in part to them. "Do you wonder what you would be doing if you weren't in MI6?"

Joe sighed. "I used to. I can't change the fact that I was in their training program and grew into myself under their strict guidance. As much as I hate the things I've had to do, I can't change the past. So, I decided it wasn't worth my time to keep thinking about what would have been because it's already done."

I nodded, wishing that I could feel the same way about the past. If I had any opportunity to go back and talk to my younger naïve self, I would have told her to fight for your career on your own. Don't take the bait of an easy way in. I wondered what Joe did in the past that he hated so much. We approached the top of a hill that overlooked a lush green pasture. When we reached the peak, Joe took a seat in the grass and stared straight ahead.

Then, he turned to face me. "You know why I don't loathe my involvement with MI6?"

"Why?"

"Because without them, I wouldn't have met you." Joe flashed me a half smile.

"Well, I guess if you weren't my target I wouldn't have met you either Mr. Alwyn." Every time I looked into Joe's perfectly blue eyes, I felt the chaos in the world around me retreat. Until we were free from our agencies, we would never quite be able to let our gaurd down and have a 'normal' relationship. Joe had risked so much to be with me. I guess it was my turn to do the same.