✨JJBA ONESHOTS✨

La Squadra x Therapist!reader

[Requested by; @LuftKraut ]

A couple that went by the names 'Sorbet' and 'Gelato' had requested a therapy session for their 'friends', you were currently sitting and waiting for the said friends to arrive, it wasn't late even you were pretty early yourself.

Everything was normal so far, which was unusual until of course, someone decided to fling a person through a window into the room, you sat in silence as you watched the person grunt in pain as he struggled to get up from the floor.

Well then, now you confirmed your suspicion, this was a giant mistake, and tomorrow you were going to quit, you sat there wondering what was the meaning of life, was it truly for you to face these odd situations you'd get in, or was it the '42' from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

As you were zoning in and out of your thoughts the men had arrived, the one who had gotten himself thrown out of the window had started to curse out one of them who's fashion sense reminded you that of a couch.

"Alright then, shall we begin?" You asked as you tried your best to put up a smile on your face, "let's get this over with." The blonde said as he began taking out a cigarette, "no smoking." You told him as he scoffed at you, 'I swear if the lung cancer won't kill you I will soon.' You thought as you smiled still.

"I'll start first!" The one with short hair, the one that got thrown through the window, spoke "my name is Formaggio, but you can call me your lover ey?" He said as he winked at you, 'I hate this job' you thought as you wrote down his name, "alright, what's troubling you?" You asked him, as he began to think.

"Okay so this morning you never guess what happened," he started his story as he moved his hand to his chest dramatically, 'ough this gotta be good' you thought.

"Okay, so I found this fruit, right? I think it was called 'Rokakaka' or 'Locacaca' however the hell you say this Japanese shit man, I don't know, anyways I tried to exchange with those plants, y'know what I'm saying? I tried it on my own, I tried to exchange a finger there, you know what I got back? FUCKING AIDS." He yelled out loud with a volume that could crush eardrums, you sat there not knowing what the fuck he had just told you.

"But did you get cured by that donut haired boy?" The one with a purple see-through mask spoke, "yeah you know what he did to me?" Formaggio stated, "I got my finger back, but you know what he made it out of? A god damn ink pen."

"But you did get a cure for your aids right?" You questioned, not knowing how his finger would be made out of a god damn ink pen, "yeah what you're curious about me?" He said as he winked at you again, 'I'm going to go to the store today and ask them for the long rope,' you thought in silence.

"Okay I'm up next then, my name is Melone, I have a fear of snakes-" "Yeah like women fear the one in your pants," the one dressed like a couch mocked him, "never mind it's my turn now, no one cares about your fear of living garden hoses." The man continued as he turned to look at you with his red eyes.

"The name's Illuso and I have a problem, so there's this little shit named Fugo alright and he told me he was going to melt me, but here's the thing alright," he said as he moved into a more confident pose, "you can't melt me if I'm this cool," he said with a smirk.

"How can you be cool? It makes no sense dammit!" The one with blue hair yelled as he raised his fist, "if you were cool you'd be suffering from hyperthermia!" The man yelled you could tell he had some anger issues or something else more concerning.

"This is like that one time that stupid looking dude in a pink outfit told me that his country was going down tubes! But what tubes? Have you seen any tubes?!" He suddenly stopped as he began to think, "but a tube that big, somebody should have seen it by now!"

He said as he continued, "someone would have said 'ey Joejoe look at this tube here, big ass tube right here' But they aren't because you know what? No tubes." He said with a scoff, "we are tubeless!" He stated, you didn't know what to think of this speech but you turned your attention to the blonde.

"I'm next I assume? Well I did have a certain problem, these high school kids the other day mocked the way I had styled my hair you see," he spoke as he motioned towards his hair, "did it make me quite upset? Yes, but then I remembered," he spoke as his voice turned into a colder tone.

"I'm Prosciutto! I don't take shit from anybody!"

He said in a loud tone, "so if anyone asks, no I don't know what happened to this kids, but moving on, I have an addiction as you could tell by the cigarettes, I started when I was very young and I'm not proud of that fact you know, I'm not proud that I saw the movie 'The Notebook' in the theater, but it happened."

He confessed, "I can't change the past. It was a matinée, too. It's pathetic!" He scoffed, you only nodded to this.

You turned to look at the man with green hair that something wrong with his neck, "Oh, I um, yeah I have something to confess too, my name is Pesci," he began nervously until he cleared his throat, "I'll tell you about blacking out- It was always weird when I'd go out for the night with like some money, and then blackout and wake up with no money." He said as he fidgeted his fingers, you listened closely.

"It was even weirder, though, when I went out for the night with some money, blackout, and wake up with more money because that means that I earned money, "he laughed nervously, you looked at him in disbelief.

"Which is scary, but sometimes I'd almost be proud of it, you know? Like, 'Wow, I turned 149,85 Lira into a 749,24 Lira! I am a financial wizard!'" He said happily, Prosciutto turned to look at you, "yeah he's the one who's also paying for this session so now you know," he whispered to you.

"Is this why you told him to stop drinking milk?" Melone questioned in disbelief, "business is business." Prosciutto told him as he patted Pesci's back approvingly, you weren't sure what to think of this.

You turned your attention to look at the man who had been silent the entire time, "We are born of the blood, made men by the blood, undone by the blood." He spoke with a deep voice as his soulless eyes stared into yours.

"Our eyes are yet to open." He said as the other men turned to look at each other in the room they seemed to know what was going on.

"Fear the Old Blood-" "Yeah I think this session is over, for now, get the hell out of here."

You spoke up suddenly, as you watched the men get up from their seats, and walk out of the door, you turned to look at the broken window, reminding yourself that they would have to pay the fees for a new one. 

"Hey can I get your number?" Formaggio called out to you, "no but I know a number that I can call," you said as you dialed the number to the emergency line.