(I Just) Died In Your Arms ~ Stanley Uris

026

Stan's POV

After pulling another all nighter I had concurred a plan to get Julia back. But, in order to do so, I should wait another day or two. I was going to find a way to get her alone with me in a private place and tell her how happy she made me, how I needed her back in my life to feel whole again.

Music didn't feel the same when we were broken up. With her she made the songs have movement, feeling, a sense of euphoria that I could only capture when I thought of her simultaneously. But now they were just words and noise, a reminder of what I lost.

And, bird watching became more of an act of desperation to forget. It wasn't just a hobby anymore. I know I seem obsessive over this break up, but I cannot breathe without thinking it over and over.

In all honesty, I don't even feel like a person anymore. I just wake up, go to school, and go back home, repeat it each day like some sort of machine. The losers barely even talk to me, and it was pretty clear they had chosen sides, even if they insisted they weren't. What would I expect? They all have some sort of relationship with Julia, because she was that amazing. How big of an idiot was I to let that go?

I spotted a Great Black Hawk soaring through the skies over Bangour, a place where I had walked to get out of this town. It was so rare to see one in Maine, and I couldn't believe I saw it. It was too far to take a picture, but memories do better than pictures. It was so beautiful, a slick black feathers and a sharp curved beak which was yellow excluding the tip, black like it's body. Its wing span was nearly five feet, looking as if it was carrying the sky under it's wings, flying so freely in the air. I wondered what it would be like to spread my wings and look down on the world as a spectator.

Oh, my imagination seemed to have grown too big for my own mind. It was wild and untamable, imagining varying scenarios where the world was at peace, everyone was happy, and it was like pain never even existed. I imagined a world where my days would be next to a warm fireplace with a familiar brunette with big green eyes curled up at my side, the fire warming my exterior and my unquestionable love for this girl heating me down to my core. A special world where I was less of an idiot and less of a machine, a special world where I could be Bill who was the best at everything.

I think this whole break up thing was really going to my head. But, I once promised Julia I'd love her always and forever, and here I was fulfilling it.

I think I've actually gone insane.

My pencil stopped writing, placing it on it's side. I didn't sleep at all, so it was four in the morning, sitting at my desk with my legs curled up to my chest, scrambling to write in my diary all the ideas I had. My brain filled up with so many words that my last resort was to spill it out on it's pages. I've always been that way, but only recently had the entries been rushed and it such a love struck daze.

It was still pouring outside, and the temperature was so close to freezing that I hoped to get snow. It was so interesting to have the powdered snow gather on my windowsill and run Derry into some kind of winter wonderland. I used to turn that snow into snowballs and throw them at my friends in gigantic snowball fights. The fun we had in the snow was immeasurable. Rain always dampened my mood, maybe because ever since what happened to Bill's bother I associated it with death and grief, like the feeling you get when you pass by a graveyard except it's everywhere. The haunting feeling is everywhere.

My journal was around the size of my hand, small enough to tuck away in my backpack and hide it whenever I wanted, especially underneath the floorboards in the back left corner of my closet. I've been submitting entries since the start of the summer, when It was running rampage. So, within it's pages was the full story of Julia and I and all the secrets I kept from her.