The Hidden Life of Casper Kade

Entry 10

Entry 10

 

   I probably had the chance to have someone back last night. I could have simply said 'me too' when she said she wished we could go back. Then, we still couldn't have gone back but at least we could do it again. For me, our history would have gotten in the way of pure happiness though.

   So, I said nothing. I didn't tell her that if she could go back to how she used to be, I'd take her. I didn't tell her that her new façade is what is keeping me from trying again. I drove her home silently. She cried against the window. Maybe because she knew what I was thinking or maybe because her boyfriend left her in a public park alone at night. She was always afraid of being left alone. Or maybe she was afraid of her parents catching her out at one in the morning...

   It got me thinking though: I used to think if she could change, I would be able to trust her again. After school the next day, I realized, she might change sometime, but not yet. Not until high school's over. She hates the act as much as I do but it's too late to turn back now. She has a reputation to uphold and changing her image would get her more crap from others that I know she can't handle right now.

   Then I thought of my dad. It's a similar situation. After what he did, I can't ever trust him. But then, what would I do if he apologized? This is hypothetical. I know it won't ever happen. I probably won't even ever see him again. I'm just writing my thoughts. If someone reads this and knows how to solve my issues, look me up.

   I think if David apologized, mom would take him back. Even after he left her so pointlessly. She loved him. No, she loves him. I'm sure of it. I think she wishes he'll come back.

   I don't know what I'd do anymore. It used to be a for sure, and definite yes, I'd accept him if he apologized. That was a long time ago.

   I don't know who to trust anymore. I trust Angie and my mom but obviously, I don't even trust them enough to share my thoughts. That's why this book exists, because I don't want to tell them or anyone myself. I don't even want to release this.

   I don't know. It's stupid of me to think I have true secrets that can be used against me. It's better that everyone understands what I'm thinking... maybe.

  

   To change the subject: the divorce is final. You all look at my life and assume it's perfect. It's not. I'm losing my second father and weekends with my siblings.

   I know I said before that I felt like my family was just a group I lived with. I still think that but I've also realized that Sadie wouldn't be so distant if I had made an effort with her, Lewis might have respected me more if I had respected him and my mom wasn't ever trying to ignore me. Basically, I've wasted 14 years wondering why the five of us stayed so separate with the exception of Ben's relationship with mom. It was partially my own fault. I gave up on making an effort.

   It's not entirely too late. It is too late to respect Lewis after what he did to my mother but it's not too late to get to know Sadie, be a better brother to Ben, and a better son for my mom.