The Protection

Twenty-Six

As we boarded the plane back to Dallas, most were convinced Ben and I had reconciled, largely because of Beth fueling the rumor mill. After our chat in the hotel room, Beth had surmised I was asking for her advice and blessing to take Ben back. I wasn't sold on the idea, but the rational side of my brain pleaded with the larger irrational side, Ben was the safer choice and at this point Kyler wasn't a choice at all. He was engaged to someone else. We just had a random hook up. We got carried away. It didn't mean anything. The thought made my insides crawl. Ben could make me smile and feel good most of the time. He wasn't so complicated. Of course, I knew I was taking the easy way out. I was following my head instead of my heart, but at this point easy sounded amazing. Simplicity in the chaos.

As I buckled my seatbelt and the flight attendants began their usual song and dance, Beth reached over, across Kelly, to grab my hand.

"I'm so excited for you and Ben! I just knew you two were destined to be together and the breakup was nothing more than a hiccup in your epic love story," she gushed, ignoring the way Kelly shoved Beth's hand off of her and pushed her headphones further into her ears. I smiled at Beth, trying to hide the fact that I wasn't convinced Ben and I ever had anything resembling epic love. Our relationship felt much like situational love. A college relationship. One I worried I may have outgrown. Still, I plastered on my best guarded smile.

"Thank you friend. I just prayed for months we would get back together and work it out. I guess Coach Lawless was actually right about something - positive thinking creates positive results." I used my pointer finger, sternly enunciating each word as Coach Lawless had done in countless practices before. I wasn't entirely lying to Beth by withholding my reservations on reconciling with Ben. It had been true that so many lonely nights, back in my bed in Portland, I would pray God would fix this, fix me, fix us and make him love me again. I knew it made me weak and desperate, but it was the truth, and God had heard me and answered my prayer. He just didn't know Ben wasn't the one I was praying for anymore.