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The sixteenth Birth

The Sixteenth Birth
By die_schatz

The Sixteenth Birth - the title raises a lot of questions, questions that will most definitely help in luring the reader in. The cover although might need some touching up to do. At first glance, it is not that catchy but it's still not bad. If you wanna change it into something more mysterious, that will totally help.

The blurb needs a rewrite. Make it a little more dramatic, maybe a part of a scene that leaves the reader wanting more and to read the whole story. 

The plot and storyline of the book are compelling. When I first read it, I was desperate to know what, when, how and why. Set in India and as an Indian, I was very excited. But to say I was disappointed is not in any way an exaggeration.

Our female main character follows this journey of a past she's not aware of. She has to solve the mystery, save herself and serve her motherland at the same time. But her journey itself is not portrayed nicely. It has a lot of potentials but not explained properly. This atmosphere of Ritz being the 16th, the purest, the birth of the Princess is intriguing but nothing is answered when we read.

What happens when Princess takes over Ritz? How did Ritz fight it not to lose her real self? Why didn't Princess take over her soul? If Rajat was Abhay, then why didn't she choose him? Why weren't there any consequences to this? What was Princess' actual motive? Who was the leader exactly? Why did Ekbhatts lose? Was killing Zitrabhatts the only purpose? A Princess who had to serve her land just leaves the country by opening a trust fund?

None of this was explained and I was truly and completely disappointed.

There were many unexplained and weird happenings in the story. Many loopholes that need more answers.

How did Neil and Abhay start fighting so soon with no absolutely no mention of their training at all?  They were teens, in school, not fighters. They could've called the police. Why wasn't Abhay taught what was the sole principle of Zitrabhatts when it was something to be passed on from generation after generation? A teen trying to kill off another teen (Cady and Naina encounter) without any solid reason was very weird to me. If Neil and Abhay, mere teens, were in the fight, why wasn't Ritz's family involved? They weren't even in camps. How can someone trust teenage boys but not grown men? Ritz's dad disappeared completely from the picture. Maya and Vivian were absent in the most important part of the story. Neil's family is supposed to be very influential, they could've definitely stopped this from happening, but they didn't.

About the ending, I get it that you were trying to get more reads on a different app, on a different story but to me, it felt like a very abrupt ending without any reasoning at all. Which is a very bad way to cheat on your readers, if you ask me. How did Ritz recover? What happened to Abhay? Neil felt betrayed and according to the story, a part of Ritz, the Princess, will always be in love with Abhay. Did it affect their relationship? Neil and Ritz's last encounter was of broken trust and jealousy. How did they end up marrying? What happened to all-rounder? Who won? What other competitions were there?

Many parts of the characters and stories were mentioned and only that - no explanation, no reasoning. And it put me off.

The character development of any of the characters was non-existent. Ritz acted like a spoiled brat and got away with all her tantrums without any legitimate consequences. Her actions in any way didn't resemble someone returning from the States. Maya and Vivian acted like teens getting married with irrational demands and choices all the time. Maya should've been the one who supported her parents and understood Ritz's POV, acts as a bridge, but she did nothing of the sort. In fact, she did nothing except throwing tantrums on her wedding day. Neil when introduced to us was supposed to be a player, one who doesn't actually care about anyone. And yet it only took a few weeks of bickering with Ritz (not even proper conversation and actual epiphanies or realization) for him to change. Abhay's character impressed and intrigued me the most and yet we get to know close to nothing about him. His character growth, him fighting against his family and choosing the right path, the battles he never wanted to fight would've given his character a much more real and intimate touch. But we got nothing. Miss Tulsi was introduced as the most mysterious and foreshadowed to be a dangerous woman, began with an amazing plot but we know nothing about her. In the end, she makes an appearance to keep Princess safe and she even fails to do so.

Coming to the writing of the story, I'll talk about the characters first. Ritz, Neil and Abhay our main characters and I related or felt nothing for them. Their portrayal was exactly like a late 2000s Indian TV serial. Even the love story of Ritz and Neil was not written nicely. I felt nothing in your words for the couple. Maybe a bit for 'showing' rather than 'telling' was necessary.

The grammar of the story was very off. There were a lot of spelling errors that need a check as soon as possible. Even the Roman Hindi used in your story was wrong. I suggest you read more and learn more. Most of the dialogues and sentences used in the story were directly translated from Hindi statements. It was way obvious. When Hindi statements are directly translated from Hindi, they make zero sense. I would highly recommend reading more to increase your vocabulary and fluency in English while writing.

As an Indian, I was able to judge more technicalities than a non-Indian. There were many, many technical errors as to how Indian education system or North Indian culture was portrayed in different rituals and customs during the wedding. I would suggest to talk to more people, take help from the Internet rather than portraying what is shown on daily soaps. They are very wrong in many ways. Best way to correct this is to take hints from your life and talking to other people living in various states.

I have commented and informed you about a lot of the errors. But sadly, I haven't done it all. To me, this story was a cliché TV serial drama that I have seen before and have not much liked, a story that is very poorly drafted, in need of heavy editing and a plot with great potential if written properly. 

Good luck!