Always behind you! [YiZhan FF] Short story. ✔️

-1- If I only had...

-1- If I had...

The first thing I thought this morning when I came to university tired and annoyed and saw someone I least expected was: "If only I had never confessed my feelings to you."

That morning alone was a big challenge in itself. Once again I overslept because I forgot to set my alarm clock. Then the water didn't work and I had to do a cat wash with water from the bottle and brush my teeth. Then I almost missed the bus because I had to walk back to get a homework that was actually due last Friday.

The bus was so crowded that I stood squeezed between two men, one smelled of sweat, the other of garlic. And in front of me sat a young woman who obviously hadn't applied her makeup in front of a mirror, or had been wearing it since last night. And when this woman of all people had to get up and the bus went around a bend, she slammed against me and shared her makeup, which was now on my new white shirt. She did not even apologize. Well, who knows if she even noticed, she smelled like a whole bar.

When there were still four bus stops ahead of us until we reached the university, something cracked very loudly at the bus and suddenly it stopped. Nothing worked anymore. In order to somehow make it on time, I had to run, run fast and that loaded with my art project. A miniature replica of a pyramid.

I almost reached the gate of the university, where Chuyue was already waiting for me. He looked at me, laughed and asked me: "Oh Mr. Xiao Zhan, you look like you've turned night into day again. Or should I say Mrs. Xiao?"

"Not funny, shut up and help me instead." I grumbled. I know that at the age of 19 and a second year of college, I'd rather focus on that than pretending to be someone I'm not, in a stupid game. But it's not entirely my fault either.

Chuyue took my art project, I was trying to get the makeup off a little bit while we were standing on campus and Chuyue suddenly pushed me in the side and said: "Oh wow, look who's here."

I raised my head and immediately got red cheeks. And at that moment I said to myself, if only I hadn't confessed my feelings to you. I'm talking about Wang Yibo. He is 19 years old like me and we went to the same school. But he never noticed me while I secretly adored him for two years.

At the beginning of our last year at school, I gathered all my courage after I heard that he was supposedly into men, I approached him, asked him for a private conversation, he looked at me confused and annoyed and I said to him, "Wang Yibo, I like you."

He opened his eyes wide and said to me, "Listen, I know there are rumors about me going around this school. But, they are only rumors. I've never been into guys. So turn around and just fuck off."

I lowered my head in shame and said, " I' m sorry." And I left.

He grabbed me by my shoulder, held me tight and said, "Hold on a second."

I shook my head, I tore loose and I ran away. After that, whenever I saw him, I immediately ran in another direction. I just didn't want to be in his field of vision anymore. It had all been too embarrassing. I was in love for the first time and I confessed my feelings for the first time and then this of all things happened to me.

And just when I thought that with my graduation from school, I would never have to hide from him again, he suddenly showed up at the college as well. And since this is obviously not enough, I played such a funny game with online animals and because there friendships could be made, I made friends with a WYB. I never thought that it is Wang Yibo!

Until recently, I didn't even know that and I didn't even care that he thought I was a woman. Because at some point in the course of our many conversations on the Internet, he wrote to me that he thought I was a great woman. I have never written anything like that. In my profile even says I am male and yet he thought I was a woman all the damn time.

But even then, I didn't know it was him. I only knew that, when he sent me a picture of himself to my account. He wrote: "So that you finally know, who you have been friends with for almost a year here, I am sending you this picture. Could I also get one of you?"

I nervously opened the picture, looked at it, closed it again, opened it again, closed it again, opened it again and yelled: " This can' t be your fucking serious now." My brother threw one of his shoes at my head for it. Because my screaming scared him almost to death.

For days I kept stalling him when he asked me for a picture. I didn't know what to do, I could hardly send him a picture of me. So I took a picture of my beautiful older sister and sent it to him. And now he thinks my name is Xiao Yanli and he likes me very much.

I guess if he finds out the truth, he'll kill me and if my sister finds out that I pretend to be her, she'll kill me too. I don't know how I got further and further into the situation. In the beginning when I knew who he was, I wanted to break off contact immediately. But already after one day, I missed him so much that I had to write him again. Just because he asked for me several times desperately, why I did not contact him anymore.

And before I knew it, I was caught in a web of lies and didn't know how to get out of it. And then my brother also found out what I had done and threatened me to report me if I did not help him with his schoolwork. He goes out with his friends and has fun and I have to do his homework. Damn it.

Well, and just like at school, I still run away every time I see Wang Yibo. I'm still embarrassed and then there are these lies.

Chuyue looks at me sceptically and asks, "You're going to run away again, aren't you?" I nodded and ran to the left.

I know it's silly and I should behave like an adult. But no matter how many times I try, I can't do it. It's like my body is just going to go off on its own and just go on autopilot and run.

I don't know if I can keep this up for two more years, but if he ever finds out the truth about who he's really chatting with, I'm dead anyway and then I won't have to worry about it anymore.

And as I sat in my classroom, completely exhausted, looking out the window, I thought again, "If only I had never confessed my feelings to him. Then I wouldn't have to act like a total idiot all the time and run away as soon as I saw him. And then I wouldn't have to pretend to be someone else just to have his friendship and chat with him a little bit longer."