The Night We Came to Be

Dawn

12/30, Early Morning, Tuesday

Is this normal? Is it natural for me to act like this? Sitting out here, eyes heavy and full of unease. Am I still waiting for the same old Maya? The one who I've perceived as perfect and exemplary? The one who I sought for warmth and intimacy?

Maya. With her, I could do no wrong. With her, I felt freer and deserving of love and appreciation. She was made for me, and though I know it's very self-serving, I couldn't deny that that was how I felt.

It's funny because I knew deep down that no matter what it is, I'll still be looking for her. I'll yearn for her because that's just what she is. She's remarkable like that. She's special like that.

That's probably why... I sat here for ten full hours, pledging my time to await her arrival.

It's morning. It's finally morning. The sun's rising, shining a light on my worn-out face. I can't imagine what Ma would do to me once she finds out that I didn't sleep all night.

I wonder, will it be worth it?

It's... bright. Very bright. I haven't really had this mindset of waiting for Maya during the daytime. It would always be at night. The night was our trademark, the darkness was our blanket.

So I feel pretty weird. This is weird.

More importantly, why haven't I noticed this before? This single fact alone cancels out what I've done so far, and frankly, I'd say it's so dense and dull-witted a baby could mock its stupidity.

"Where the heck is Maya?"

I've been waiting for nothing! How did I discern that fact just now? 

I vaguely remember the lights of the neighbors flickering on and off. I wonder if that was Maya? Was she scared of me? Did she doubt her ability to talk to me?

Did she worry we might fight again?

I know, Maya. I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me. We made a promise, remember?

Remember? Do you even remember?

"So where are you, Maya? Maya, where are you?" I exclaimed, a deafening wail greeting the muted neighborhood.

I just can't appreciate this. Where are you, Maya? Is it stupid for me to expect you to try immediately after our agreement? Is it stupid for me to believe that you were even gonna hold up to your end of the bargain?

If It's not, then explain to me why you're not here with me right now? Why didn't you come last night? How come you never gave me any signs of life? How come you never came?

I was about to change, you know? I really was going to. It sounds like the opposite when I say it out loud, but it's true, I'm willing to change for you. I'm willing to change for Ma. I'm willing to change for everyone I've wronged.

The mistakes, I'll do my best to erase them. I'll do my absolute best to deny their existence. Once I manage to do that, we'll be set, and you won't be mad at me anymore.

Nobody will speak ill of me anymore. Nobody will avoid me no more. They'll finally acknowledge me as a sensible person. A humble person, and a respectful one.

But...

I can't do this without you.

"I can't!"

That's right? Can you hear me right now, Maya?

If I have to climb mountains just to know where you're hiding, I'll do it! If it means you'll be by my side, there's no boundary on what I'm willing to do.