Thicker than Water (Marauders Era) PART II

27 June, 1994 - Regrets

Lavinia watched the winged silhouette of the hippogriff until it was no more than a tiny black smudge she could barely make out against the darkening sky. And then she kept watching that unreachable horizon as the stars slipped into existence one by one and the moon began to shine in earnest.

She might have stayed there all night, staring up at the sky and wishing or hoping or dreaming for half a million things she was never going to get. It was the cold, really, that finally drove her out of the cave and back up the hill, the smell of salt still stuffed in her nose and the feel of Sirius's warmth against her skin still lingering.

It had felt so right to hold him. So right to wrap her arms around him and just... hold on. And in that moment, those words coming out of her mouth had felt right too, had felt true. But her apology had been equally as truthful. It wasn't enough. No matter what Sirius said, it wasn't enough. Not that it couldn't have been. Given the time, she was starting to think that maybe, just maybe they could have made something work. And it would have been hard and painful and there would have been ten million things in their way, not least of which was their own hearts and histories, but... but maybe they could have made it work anyway. If they'd tried. If they'd had time. But they had no time.

And at the end of the day, it didn't matter what lightning went through her heart and head and soul when she held him. It didn't matter if he felt right in her arms. It mattered that she trusted him. That she could love him and know that he would always, always be there. It mattered that they chose each other. That every time, they chose each other. And whether or not she forgave him, that trust would have taken far longer than a weekend to return. It would have taken months and maybe even years. And they would have had to try and try hard because trust... trust didn't just spring back into existence.

All of which was a moot point anyway because Lavinia was reasonably certain they would never see each other again. She didn't see how it was possible given the circumstances. It would never be safe for Sirius here or anywhere. He would have to keep moving, would have to be careful about sending letters too frequently lest they be tracked, would have to drop off the face of the earth. And he would have to stay that way for Merlin knew how long until the Ministry either caught him or gave up. Lavinia certainly hoped it was the latter, even if it seemed terribly unlikely. And it did seem terribly unlikely.

After all, she remembered perfectly well what the full might of the Ministry could do. She had watched it, in those days at the end of the war. Had read the papers with lists of Death Eaters either brought in and locked up or else killed as they resisted arrest. She had seen trials forgone and unforgivable curses used as some sick form of justice. She knew what happened when the Ministry set its mind to something. And she could only hope that they would not set their minds to this. The good news on that front was that the Ministry would likely hope to save face by keeping the hunt for Sirius out of the public eye and doing so meant keeping the hunt smaller than they might otherwise like. So maybe there was some hope. But it was only hope. And it felt far too fragile for comfort.

A lot of things felt a bit too fragile right now, actually and all Lavinia wanted to do as she trudged up the hill towards home, was go to sleep and hope those fragile things suddenly became stronger. She wanted to fall into bed and have her thoughts wink out like sparks on a misty day. She wanted to not think at all right now. To not feel. Because she was thinking and feeling too much and none of it was particularly pleasant.

She knew before she got within ten meters of the house, however, that she was not going to get to go to sleep so soon. Because the lights were on. Lavinia didn't know what time it was beyond the fact that it was late, but if the lights were on, then Remus was up. And if Remus was up... she didn't want a talking to, but she supposed she was likely to get one. And she probably deserved one because she was reasonably certain she'd broken more than just her own heart today.