Thicker than Water (Marauders Era) PART II

8 August, 1995 - Harry (II)

Lavinia spent those last few days before Harry's arrival at Grimmauld Place at home. Alone. Which seemed to her to be fitting, really, seeing as how the last time she'd talked to any of the people at the Black house it had been such an unmitigated disaster.

Part of her didn't understand how the hell it had happened. One moment she'd been feeling confident and sure and ready to try to make something that might actually last with Sirius, something that wasn't the life they'd once planned, but that was close. That might let them both be just those two people in love they had once been. That might have at the very least given both of them a chance at being truly happy.

And then the very next day, they'd been shouting at each other, two hurt hearts, two people too stressed to think properly. Two people throwing stones that landed too close to home. And Lavinia had realized that this... this was what she'd always run from, what she'd always been afraid of. Of losing it all. Of her mistakes catching up to her and leaving her completely and utterly alone.

Because no one bothered to come visit her in those days, which, she knew, was expected. But she had hoped all the same. She had hoped that Remus at least would have seen the storm brewing and would have realized that she was going to do what she had always done and unleash it on herself.

But Remus did not come and, left to her own devices, Lavinia let the silence of the house swallow her whole, wasting her time trying to rehearse what she would say to Harry without spiraling into the pit she could feel gaping in her stomach. She was not very good at this, she found. But the explanations had to be made. She needed to think about what to say. And that pit... well at the very least she could say it was familiar territory.

When those two days of waiting were up, Lavinia braced herself and apparated to the Black house, bracing herself every step of the way because this... this was one thing she was not going to give up on. One thing she could not run from. One thing she would not let herself fail at. Because... well because of a lot of things, really. Because she had promised Dumbledore she would be an active part of the Order, which meant attending those meetings even if the last thing she wanted right now was to be anywhere near Sirius. And more importantly, because she had promised herself that she would speak to Harry. And she would. Because Harry was the only one who deserved her explanations. Who deserved her apologies. And who had any right to decide that she had chosen wrong.

Which was why Lavinia was horribly distracted throughout the Order meeting, her mind elsewhere, reciting those words she knew she had to say so soon. Too soon. This was less than ideal, however, because this was a meeting of perhaps greater importance than any of the others. Because Severus had come to give his report.

Lavinia honestly hadn't realized that Severus was a part of the Order until he showed up that day, all stone faces and black robes as he always was. And when she'd seen him, her heart, already hurting, had shrivelled just a little bit more. Because she suddenly remembered what Severus had told her he'd done for Dumbledore last time, what he must have been doing for Dumbledore this time: spying. Which meant that of everyone at this table, Severus was easily in the most danger. Severus would be the most likely to die. And true, it had been a long time since they'd been anything like close, but... but it still hurt. It still stung. Especially since, judging by the looks of those around the table, Lavinia would be one of he only ones who would bother to miss him if that awful day ever came.

She'd hardly been able to look at him as he'd given his report, telling them of Death Eater plans and actions. Telling them names Lavinia couldn't bring herself to hear, too terrified that they might be familiar. Telling them that the Dark Lord's primary goal was getting his hands on that prophecy. At which point they'd all tried to figure out how on Earth to keep him from getting it. Or rather, everyone other than Lavinia had tried to figure this out. She'd been too busy staring at her old friend, thoughts of Harry and thoughts of the war and fears and grief and all of it too tangled up to make sense of any of it.