Cherchant (Kylo Ren x Reader)

Thirteen

It must be close to 0300. You're lying next to a sleeping Kylo. His breathing is soft and rhythmic, the only sound in the dark. Even though you've been staying here for a couple of months on and off, you have rarely shared his bed, preferring instead to sleep in the guest suite or to head back to your place to recharge. Being around Kylo often had you feeling like you were tripping on something, something enjoyable for sure, but tripping nonetheless. You've never relished the feeling of being out of control of yourself or of your life. That, coupled with the honest truth that the relationship just hadn't been there yet had kept you a step back.

Tonight had changed everything.

You found yourself trapped in spiraling thoughts. Kylo had fucked you to the point of forgetting your own name earlier. He may be moody and reserved most of the time but in bed he is a GOD. You had often wondered, lying spent after sex, if he was channeling his rage and sorrow into the intensity of fucking you or if he was letting it all go and allowing himself to be free in his animalistic nature. Either way you had never been with anyone who made you feel so completely devoured in lust.

Thinking of it now, you feel yourself warming, a catch in your throat, increased heart rate sending blood to pound lightly through your sex. You sigh and shake off the onslaught of arousal. Had you been home you'd probably give in to the desire to touch yourself. Not here though, not next to him.

The memory of his words jolts you wide awake yet again, snapping you out of your reverie.

I love you.

You knew he had meant it but you were also instinctively furious because who says that for the first time right after sex? There isn't a woman alive who would want that to be the scenario of her first time hearing those words. How many times had the boys and later men in your life confused lust with love, sex with sincerity? You'd convinced yourself long ago that you'd never been in love. It had only ever been infatuation.

Your exhausted brain presents you with a fabricated image of a younger you digging a trench and installing defenses around your beating heart. To be loved was threatening.

But he had meant it.

Sometimes when you held each other after sex your telepathic bond seemed to go into hyperdrive. Your relaxed lazy thoughts swirled together. Tonight, you had felt his sincerity and relief at having been strong enough to voice his feelings for you. His love was like a pool of deep waters that existed in a peaceful part of his mind, partitioned off from his past traumas. You couldn't help but wonder what would happen to that beautiful serene pool if the barriers began to come down. Would it remain a place of isolated freedom? Or would it become polluted by the potent evils that he carried on his back like the weight of a thousand moons?

As you begin to drift off last thoughts linger on a memory of training in the clearing on a particularly pleasant sunny afternoon. You'd struggled over and over again to get your routine memorized. Instead of a fluid series, you'd repeatedly ducked and pivoted left when you should be going right, causing you to yell obscenities and send clumps of grass hurtling across the field.

Instead of giving up on you, Kylo had walked over and taken your hand and with a small squeeze, he'd said, "Let me guide you through." And then you felt his presence in your mind, and you were moving through the motions as his movements steered your own. It was blissful to be intertwined in that way. That had been the last time you'd struggled with forms and the first time you'd seen that particular genuine sort of smile cross his face.

Of course you were falling in love.

— — —

Stretching awake with a huge yawn you throw your arms out and hit nothing but sheets and pillows. Kylo must have gone for his early morning run and left you to sleep. Feeling grateful, you pull a robe on and head out to the kitchen for a cup of caf. This was going to be a big day and you needed to be awake for it.