Tell me // H.S.

Falling

Okay, saying I'm excited about this chapter would simply not be enough ! I AM OVER EXCITED about it because.......we have two POVs this time, not just Starla's and I am soooo happy about it!!!

This chapter's song is FALLING, by Harry, of course and once again, I strongly recommend listening to it as you read because damn it hits different, and there are lots of references to the lyrics in the chapter !

ENJOYYYY

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October 11th, 2020

Star's POV : 

My head slightly hurts when I wake up, after what seems like forever. What time is it? What happened this morning? For a second I have no clue what I'm even doing in bed right now. Almost 4 p.m. 

And all of a sudden it all comes back to me, my head hurting even more as I sit myself up in bed. Judy. The coffee shop. The pictures. Harry. Central Park. Alice in Wonderland...and the ice rink. I remember running away, and then the memory from the last time I had been in front of the statue hitting me. I remember getting lost in that memory again. I remember telling myself that I was wrong for thinking that I could let someone in. Especially someone like Harry. And then he found me and brought me back here. 

And now I'm in my bed. And he's not here. 

'Of course he's not here you idiot ! You ran away from him like psycho and then managed to have a panic attack in Central Park, that HE had to deal with, you're already lucky that he brought you back here' I think to myself. I'm ashamed of what I did. I shouldn't even have shown him the statue to begin with. Because now he knows it's an important place to me. And what he said about it, and about how it made sense with me...he was right about everything. How ? Why am I so fucking easy to read for him? 

I'm no one. 

I would understand if I never saw him again after today. And there wouldn't be anyone else to blame but me. I would even be happy if I didn't ever have to talk to him, or feel his eyes on me, looking through every single one of the walls it took me so long to build, again. 

It's easier this way. Yes. That's what's gonna happen : I'll never see him again. I'll forget about today. I'll forget about every single word he said. I'll forget I even ever met him. 

It's easier this way. 

'It's easier this way', would I always think to myself once we weren't together anymore. I'd tell myself everyday that I had to forget. Forget about him. Forget about every single moment we had. Forget about the day we meet, the day I knew I was in love with him, the day he told me he was in love with me, the first time we kissed, the first time we went to the Alice in Wonderland statue, that fucking night at the bar, the hospital room. All of it. I needed to keep it out of my mind. Forever. 

At first it worked. I went out. Partied. Drank too much. It felt so good. No more pain. But it didn't last long. Soon enough I started thinking about him, despite everything I took to try to keep him away. I saw him everywhere. Everything reminded me of him, every single person I'd meet would say something that would bring back a memory to me. 

I was falling. Again. And again. 

Becoming someone I didn't want to be. Someone I didn't want around. I became someone I would have hated if I ever met them. I hated myself.