Before We Leave

Chapter One

"I am done giving you chances. You are never going to change Sourya" a familiar voice was saying these few words over and over. A siren blared somewhere nearby, probably a firetruck. Or an ambulance? My mouth tasted funny, a numbness in my body and haziness in my eyes. It took me some time to realize where the siren was coming from. I was inside an ambulance, I could see my mother, she was cradling my head. Why am I inside an ambulance? I thought to myself. But the only thing that came as an answer was her face, the face that was the most beautiful to me, those goofy eyes, her lips curving into a perfect smile, the love of my life and she whispered, "I am done giving you chances. You are never going to change"
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I was woken by the shiny hospital tube lights. It took me a few moments to gather myself. I was lying on the bed, there were bandages tied on my forehead, an IV drip attached to my hand, my whole body was aching badly, and most of all my legs. I looked around, the door was locked, mom was nowhere to be seen. I closed my eyes again, all the events that led me to this dingy hospital room was playing in a flashback loop in my head. I wanted to bang my head in the wall again. I had messed up everything, the only thing I cared about is ruined, by myself.

I have killed my relationship with her, slowly poisoning it over time, until it was too late to heal. She left me for good; I begged, pleaded, tried everything to let me into her heart again but after 6 days I realized she forged a wall around her heart, so high and so strong that my love isn’t strong enough to break its way in. And what I did in return?....

“….thank you, doctor” I heard my mother’s voice across the closed door of my hospital room.

She opened the door and made her way into the room. I turned the other way because I couldn’t look at her eyes. She didn’t deserved what I did and the guilt feeling was turning my insides. After dad died, mom has single handedly balanced  the household, me, her job everything. I have seen her work until 3 and sometimes 4 am in the morning and then wake up at 7 to prepare breakfast and lunch for my next day at school. I have seen her crying alone in front of Dad’s photo but she never let that vulnerable side to be shown to others, not even me.

“You awake?” she softly asked.

“Umhu” I replied the affirmative.

She sat on the chair placed near my bed, my back facing her.

“You know I was angry when I found out what you have done but more than angry, I was scared, I was scared of losing you too” she said.

I know how much she wants to cry right now but still her strong shield is pulled before her. She wasn’t always like this; she used to cry even when her favorite character in a movie and Dad was always the strong, self- respectful person. But after Dad, she just absorbed all the characters Dad possessed once and filled in the role of him perfectly.

“But I understand. I understand that sometimes we lose our self too much that we can’t pull out of the darkness. But promise me that you are never letting me to get scared over you again. Ever” she stressed on the second ever.

“Umhu” I replied.

She paused for a moment and said “Okay so you want to know what the doctor said?”

I remained silent, I didn’t wanted to know.

But mom took my silence as a yes and continued “Your legs suffered the most damage but it is not untreatable, you just need some rest, medicines and some exercises and stuff. Besides that you just suffered some scratches and cuts which will be healed in a few days”

I failed again, I couldn’t even do one thing properly, I failed to take my own life.

“You can’t even do one thing properly” For a moment, her face flashed before my eyes. The last time she told me this was when I dropped her cell phone accidentally on one of our dates.

I focused on what Mom was saying because I don’t want to remember anything about her. I wanted to erase all her memories just like she erased me out of her life.
“….And you will be staying here for a few days until you recover. I have applied for a leave from office” mom said.

“Mom, don’t , please” I finally said.

“What” she asked.

“Don’t take a leave from office”

“But… You.. I need to take care of you”

I tried to sit up and failed. Mom helped me and put a pillow behind to support me.

“No, mom. The people in the office will be lost without you. Also you were saying that you finally got the biggest project of your life. I don’t want you to lose that after all I have done” I stared blankly at the bandage on my wrist.

She sat next to me and ran her fingers through my hairs.

“You are just like your dad- strong and self-respectful”

I wished I could tell her how wrong she is. How much of a coward I was.

“So you will take care of yourself?” she asked, “I will visit you after work and stay the nights”

“Mom” I interjected

“All right I will visit you and then go home” she understood what I wanted.

“Not everyday” I added.
She paused for a moment and said, “All right whatever the majesty demands”

I couldn’t help but smile. It is one of her many names she calls me. I have told her many times to not call me those in front of my friends at least but she never listens and deep inside I don’t actually want her to stop.

She smiled back and placed a kiss on my head. She got up and showed me where all my things were. She already brought my laptop fortunately. She handed me that and just then the nurse came to change the bandages.

The nurse did her job and mom left after it was finished. I finally opened my laptop and logged onto Facebook just to find it is flooded with messages from all my classmates. I ignored those and went to search.

“Mitra” I typed and I didn’t even had to finish the complete name. There she was in her profile picture in a yellow top and jeans sitting cross legged in a couch. She looked beautiful in any color but there was something about the color yellow. Whenever she wore yellow it felt like she makes the color beautiful, like she gave a meaning to that color. Maybe I was crazy or maybe I was too drunk in her love that these things made their home in my head.

But not anymore. I had to delete her- from facebook, from my life, forever. She belongs to someone else and I am no more allowed in her life.

I hovered the pointer infront of the block option but just before clicking, I took one final look at her profile picture. Maybe it is true, maybe she really gives meaning to the color yellow,  maybe I am still in love.