Before We Leave

Chapter Two

3,4,5,6,7,... I forgot to count after that, I was gulping shots after shots of cheap vodka. I was never a heavy drinker, but that day I needed something to dull the pain. I called her after every shot and every time it was immediately disconnected. Blacklisted, I presumed but I kept on drinking and kept on calling. But at one point I lost it, I vomited a little but then made my way into Mom's car. She carpooled with one of her colleagues that day and the keys were at home.

"I need to see her. I need to make her understand. I need her back" my head was banging with these words.

The steering wheel seemed heavier that day or maybe I wasn't getting any strength with all that liquor in my system. My hands were shaking and my eyes were blurry, with tears. I didn't noticed how fast I was going, I didn't noticed the right turn, I didn't noticed that my car was mid-air and I lost control of it until it was too late. I felt the steering wheel hitting my head and my legs seemed hot and then it was all black.

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I woke up and found the lights of my room already lit. It was probably the nurse. I sat up, this time successfully and connected the laptop to charge. I looked around the small hospital room- on my right was the door and beside it a chair and a plastic table for visitors. Mom left some fruits there. In front there was a cart with my medicines and other medical supplies, a clock hanging on the wall but the most interesting thing was to my left. It was a huge window almost covering the entire left side and out there was nothing but a barren grass field which finally leads to a line of trees at the distance. But just there in the barren field there was a single tree, located almost at the centre. It was just standing there alone with no company.

Hospitals are supposed to be places of hope but I wasn't feeling any inside me. The white walls weren't comforting me anymore. I didn't have a lot of friends, none to be precise. I used to sit alone during lunch, I wasn't invited to parties, I was an outcast, but after dad died things got worse. I missed him and I used to cry alone and I wanted to share it but I had no one. Mom was mostly busy balancing everything and I didn't want to put more burdens on her. But then, Mitra came in my life. The cold winter winds were overpowered by her warm spring breeze. I had a friend, a partner but now I was like that sad tree on the barren field. I am all alone.

I lost track how long was I looking into that tree. The unlocking click of the door brought me back. The nurse came and gave me a painkiller and then served me some coffee. I wanted to follow the medicine regime on my won but mom knew I was going to forget so she insisted the nurse to give me those. I opened my laptop again and took a sip of the coffee. I have already blocked her on Facebook and my phone is shattered in the accident, all I have left are her photos in my laptop and now it was time to delete them but I didn't wanted to.

My insides turned and I wanted to cry but I didn't. I placed my laptop aside and laid down. My coping mechanism to everything was sleep. After dad, mom used to take care of me too much for the following days and I didn't wanted to show my vulnerable side to her so instead I slept to keep the sadness, the remorse and the repent away as much as possible and then it somehow buried its way into my mind. Whenever I was too sad or too angry or just simply felt too much, I slept, slept for long hours, woke up to eat and sleep again and hoped that the pain will somehow go away.

I was never like Dad or Mom, they faced everything head on. I just ran from all my feelings for all my life.

After I blocked her on the one social media platform I used, in the afternoon, I felt myself heavy. Heavy with guilt and sadness and the feeling of never be able to hold her hands. Her hands were the same size as mine and she had this weird habit of loosening her grip after we have been holding hands for sometime just to test if I noticed. I used to sometimes get annoyed at her behavior but now I am missing them. Its strange how people understand the value when they can't have it anymore, but will she understand my value as well?

The door unlocked again, I turned to see it was mom. She looked tired, she sat next to me on the bed after drinking some water from the jug on the table. I didn't want to get up so I just turned to face her.

"How are you feeling" mom asked, smiling.

"Okay...-ish" I replied, "You must be tired, why did you came again"

She rolled her eyes.

"You had been unconscious for two days and I was worried to death. You just woke up today and I am not even allowed to visit you?" she looked sad.

"I didn't mean that" I replied. I wanted to explain her that I was worried that she would fall sick but kept silent.

"I know you are worried for me" she magically read my mind. Moms, I guess, knows everything.

There was an awkward pause and I finally broke the silence

"I am sorry about the car" I mumbled, barely audible.

"You are safe and that's all that matters" she assured even though I know it was so close to her.

"But you must rest now, dinner will be here by 9, eat properly and take rest" she got up

"As if I have something else to do" I replied sarcastically.

She gathered her things and noticed the open window on the left. She closed it and left with a goodbye. I spend the hour before dinner reading a novel. I half ate my dinner and took my medicines.

I turned off the lights except a small night lamp and the room felt so lonely. For a moment, I wished Mitra was here with me. Maybe I would have eaten the dinner completely, maybe I would have taken the medicines without the nurse's nagging, maybe I wouldn't have to be here, only if Mitra was here.

I don't remember when I dozed off, because of the effects of the painkillers. But I was woken up by a knock on the door. I check the time on the clock, it was midnight. The nurses aren't supposed to come at this time, neither were the doctors. For a moment I thought it was mom but she wouldn't had knocked she would just come in.

I sat up and said, "It is open, come on in"

There weren't much light except the small night lamp on my bedside table but I could clearly see a person making their way inside. A girl, in her pajamas and a blue t-shirt. She was about my age, her hair tied in a ponytail, a hint of guilt was apparent by the way she was looking at me or maybe sympathy? But the most interesting thing was her smile. She had a rare kind of smile; the only person I saw who had the same smile was Dad. A smile that assures you that it is all right, that everything will be okay.

"Did Mitra's smile felt the same?" I questioned myself in my mind. No answer appeared.

"I am so sorry to disturb you this late" she spoke fast, " I have to ask you for a favor"

"Yes?" I replied.

"Before that let me introduce myself" she came near me and extended her hand, "Hi, I am Devi"