Before We Leave

Chapter Eighteen

"Why? Why? Why?" If only I had an answer to this question. I wanted to rip every memory of Mitra off of my head. I wanted her memories to remain buried and never come back or atleast I wanted her to not ruin my life again but what is love if its not painful. But whose love was hurting me? Devi or Mitra?

After Devi left the barren field that night, I stood there and cried and slapped myself and cursed and blamed myself for ruining whatever I had with Devi. She has been my one friend and I lost her and even though she told me I was her only friend I ruined everything. I knew she was hurt that I pulled away from the kiss, she must be feeling awful but I couldn't explain anything to her while she was in the field. I kept on thinking between Mitra and her and she finally walked out, crying.

When I came back I didn't returned to the tent, I went straight to my room and I tried to process everything. I lied down on my bed, unbothered to even change the clothes and I tried to give a reason to everything firing in my mind but all I had were more questions piling on top of each other.

"Why was Devi crying?"
"Why did Mitra's memory still haunting me?"
"Do I love Devi?"
"Do I love Mitra?"
"How can I get back to Devi?"
"Do I still want Mitra?"

And as soon as I decide on the answer of one question a few more popped up. The window of my room was open and I could see the fireflies. The same fireflies who witnessed the creation of our kiss and then the destruction of our friendship. It wasn't giving me peace anymore, it was blaming me back for ruining everything. So I picked myself up and went to the window. I wished for a summer breeze but somehow I realized this summer is going to be just heat. I closed the window and returned to my bed.

I wanted to sleep but all I could think was Mitra's memories and Devi's lost friendship. I don't remember the time but it was deep into the night, sleep was a far fetched thing in that night. I heard a faint noise from the room to my right, Devi's room. I realized Devi didn't went to the tent either, she was in her room.

I contemplated my options. I wanted to go to her and apologize but I knew I would make her more hostile so I decided to wait until the next morning. I tried to stay calm but I couldn't. She was right there, 12 feet apart from me on the other side of the wall but somehow the distance felt like an infinity. I closed my eyes and the flashbacks kept on looping itself. One moment my lips were enveloping hers and now she seemed like some light years away. So I got hold of my crutches and walked to the wall, the wall whose other side was Devi's bed. I sat there on the floor and leaned my head into the wall, hoping somehow the infinity between us could be shortened.

I was awake almost the entire night, only to fall asleep for 15mins or so when Souza knocked on my door. I told him I was tired from last evening and he advised me to rest. But I was awake again and the pain inside me was awake again. I knew I had to explain everything to Devi and I assured myself that she would understand but in the next moment I couldn't gather the courage. The entire morning I kept on deciding what to tell her, how to apologize to her.

The last thing I wanted was to lose Devi too so after lunch I gathered myself and went to Devi's door and knocked it. The door was unlocked but closed. When no answer came after two more knocks I decided to enter the room, my mind was blank. I opened the door and I could feel my insides turn upside down. My heartbeat stopped and I felt myself shattering into a million little pieces at once.

The room was empty except the bed and the table, there were no novels on the floor, no notebooks on the table and no Devi either. She was gone and at that moment I felt I should have died in the car accident. I felt numb and empty and lost and there was no one to save me anymore.

The memories, the flashbacks, our kiss, her holding my hands, her crying on my arms and the first night she came into my room- everything was flashing in my mind all at once. I was feeling weak on my knees and the sleepless night made my head dizzy and before I knew it I lost the balance in my crutches and fell right there, hitting my head and then a big blank took over me.
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"Sourya, Sourya" I could hear mom's voice.

I struggled to open my eyes and the vision seemed blurry at first. My head hurted like someone was hammering a nail into it. It took me some time to gather myself. I was in the bed of the hospital room.

"You are okay Sourya, you just fell down and had a concussion" A doctor said, "You haven't eaten your breakfast or lunch so you must have felt weak and dizzy and thus the accident"

"What were you doing all by yourself? You should take more rest" Mom told.

I saw my mom teary eyed, sitting on my bed and holding my hand.

"You are going to be okay Sourya" I heard a familiar voice and for a moment I wished it was all a bad dream. But I knew from the pain in my head that it was all very true.

I turned to my left and saw her standing near the window. The girl who I loved, the girl who ruined my life. Mitra.