I Can't Say I Love You Yet

What have I done to deserve this

What have I done to deserve this

The chilly fall wind hits my face as my hair falls in the direction of it. my loose shirt ripples in the wind as the leaves fall onto the cold cement. I look down at the streets as cars pass I count them and think of their color.

one red

two white

three blue

four red

five red

six purple

seven red

eight red 

nine red

ten red

Why is it always red that finds me, whenever I think I have made any progress with life the red comes back and throws it all away. another strong gust of wind comes and makes me stumble a little but im able to catch myself. There is no one walking on the sidewalk, everyone is in class right now. learning, laughing, gossiping like nothing bad will ever happen. I remember the message I sent to Oikawa, I remember it like it was my own mother's name.

Hinata 12:53

Hey,

It's been a long time but I can't anymore. I just want to let you know that you should never look down on life. and I hope you beat Ushijima. No, I know you will beat him because you're better than anyone else. 

I love you

Oikawa 1:59

Stop looking for attention

I look back down at the street below me my hand tracing the short fence. Thoughts fill my mind of my mother and father, I know I should resent them. What happened you may ask. they kicked me out after they found out I was gay, well my father did at least. my mom was out with my sister. But I was already gone when they got home. They probably love life without a gay faget in their home.

But I do remember the song that my mother would sing

"Are you, are you
Coming to the tree?
They strung up a man
They say who murdered three
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met at midnight
In the hanging tree"

the words leave my mouth from memory every line sung the same every note sung in a perfect tone. tears come rolling down my face remembering who I had loved first. He was a boy, everyone thought he was weird and scary but me. I trusted him and we became best friends. But then we got a call saying that there were 3 murders at our school. I did not know how to react all I thought about was my friend okay. But in the end, the killer was my friend. he has hung three of my bullys. he did not go to jail but to a mental hospital.

Are you, are you
Coming to the tree?
Where the dead man called out
For his love to flee
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met at midnight
In the hanging tree

He should be out by now its been 5 years

Are you, are you
Coming to the tree?
Where I told you to run
So we'd both be free
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met at midnight
In the hanging tree

Deep inside im scared that he is still looking for me, but also excited that one day I get to see him and thank him.

Are you, are you
Coming to the tree?
Wear a necklace of rope
Side by side with me
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met at midnight
In the hanging tree

I also wish we could die together, It would make it easier to see his relieving face telling me it's going to be okay as we jumped off together.

Are you, are you
Coming to the tree?
Tell people a forest has to be
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met at midnight
In the hanging tree

as I sing the last line, I step off. the wind in my hair feels amazing. It feels like im letting myself do something I want to do for once in my life. not being considering of others. I don't care if it's selfish, It's what I want. Is that not okay? Is it not okay to do something that I want. then I think about all of the people that care about me.

Suga

Daichi

Noya

Oikawa

Bokuto

I don't know why but his face is the only thing I see as I fall off. the wind no longer feels like a cold sensation but a burning flame cracking my heart in half.

I don't know what it is but his warm welcoming smile his contiguous laugh and his smile. It's all hitting me like a rock to the face. Tears start to fall but faster this time. 

I don't want to die

I don't want to die

I don't want to die

I don't want to die

I don't want to die

I don't want to die

I don't want to die

I don't want to tide

I don't want to die

I don't want to die

I don't want t-

As usual

Darkness