Let Me Figure It Out

VII

~~ChOKe mE~~

After the hangout Sykkuno texts me asking if I'd like to hang out again sometime. I don't know the answer so I don't answer I just lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling. I watch the color of the room change each time the stop light goes from red to green. I'd get up and close the curtains, but I don't have the energy.

I sit up a bit then catch my reflection in the TV. In a sudden burst of anger I chuck my phone at it. I fucking hate my face. I'm 90% sure I just broke my TV but it doesn't matter, I don't use it anyway. I still have the one in the living room. The TV I broke was small, I took it when I moved out of my parents, it barely worked in the first place. My phone may have cracked but the screen protectors pretty durable. Another crack won't hurt anything though. 

My phone buzzes. I knew it'd be fine. 

The light changes to green again. I get annoyed with the constant change, so I get up and close the curtain. I want to punch something so bad, so I do. I punch the wall, hard. 

"Of fucking course!" I yell, probably waking up every single one of my neighbors in this tiny fucking apartment. 

I'm gonna owe the landlord so much to fix that.

"Dammit" I whisper this time. Of course it had to be Sykkuno. Didn't even know I liked guys and now the one I do is the one who all my friends know. Of fucking course. I sigh and throw myself back onto my bed. 

My phone buzzes again. 

I roll my eyes and get up to grab it. It's Sykkuno. 

'Hey today was super fun we should hang out again!'

'Though you seemed off towards the end. Everything good?'

'Are you okay?' 

I don't feel like answering so I set my phone on the nightstand and go back to laying on my bed. Every once in a while my phone buzzes again. I don't check it this time. I feel myself slipping into a panic attack and I don't do anything to stop it. I just don't care right now. 

Sweat drips down my face. I sit up in my bed and rest my hands on the back of my neck. I try to take up as little space as possible. I rock myself back and forth in a, somewhat, comforting way. I push my blankets away because it's too hot to breathe. The air in the room is warm and filled with fear. I wish there was a way out. There's no way out. I'm trapped, on my bed, in my room, in my house, somewhere in this giant world.

I should probably tell Dave, but I just can't. 

I can't believe I let myself fall for him. I didn't even know I liked guys. What the fuck is happening? 

I take my hands away from my neck and look up. I stare at the blank walls as tears start to fall. I hope for a distraction of any kind. Something. Anything to take my mind away from itself. My phone buzzes and I ignore it, not willing to let anyone know what's going on, be it Dave or Sykkuno. God it could be my mom I still don't care. 

Another buzz.

Then another.

And another.

I stop keeping count.

Eventually I receive a call. It's Dave. I'll call him back later. I don't have the mindset to talk right now. 

I open my window with shaky hands, it's too hot in here. Right as I do that the light changes. A car passes on the road outside. I give it my attention. A red car. A toyota camry.

Another buzz. It's Dave answer later.

I try so hard to ignore it but Text after text.

He's worried.

I have to reply.

'What?' 

'Where are you?'

'My house? I never leave?'

'He's worried about you.'

Sykkuno. I know. He's been texting me. I shouldn't have scared him. 

'I know'

'Talk to him.'

I turn my phone off. I can't talk to him. I could barely talk to Dave. What makes him think I could talk to him. 

I can't believe myself. 

I know he's worried. I feel terrible for making him worry. 

There's no reason for him to worry. 

Really. 

I'm fine. 

~~A bit longer, I included the prologue. Conocé unas personas españoles. Quiero decir que estoy aprendiendolo para mi tía. If you have any tips please let me know! Les amo mis patitos! Adios!~~