desire | woosan

nine

𝗪𝗜𝗟𝗟 𝗬𝗢𝗨 𝗕𝗘 𝗠𝗬 𝗙𝗥𝗜𝗘𝗡𝗗

✧˖*✧˖*✧˖*✧˖*✧˖*✧˖*✧˖*✧˖*✧˖*✧˖*

trigger warning - attempt of self harm and suicidal thoughts.

san hated this feeling, yet loved it at the same time.

the overwhelming feeling to throw all his progress away and just do it again.

he stared at the blade in front of him as he sat on his bathroom floor, tears flowing down his cheeks. he hated the constant pain that he felt both mentally and sometimes physically, except he had finally stopped for the past couple of weeks.

yet here he was now, close to giving up with that progress because yes he hated the physical pain, but he loved how it was a distraction from his mental state.

he didn't notice how his phone lit up and he stared at the blade, trying to convince himself to put it down and walk away. the tears now soaked his face as the urge was too strong and he began to lift the blade towards his thigh, taking a deep breath.

"san?" upon hearing his name, san's eyes widened and he dropped the blade on the floor. this caught the attention of the owner of the voice and san cowered into a corner as the bathroom door opened. he hugged his knees and hid his face in his arm, terrified.

"i'm sorry, it won't happen again, please don't hit me." san sobbed into his sleeve, the fabric become soaked very quickly. he sensed the figure, who he thought was his mother, sit down beside him.

"san, it's just me." san recognized the voice and felt feelings of shame, embarrassment and hatred fill him, only this time it was hatred for himself instead of the other boy. 

"i texted you to remind you that we're meeting up for our project but you didn't answer so i just let myself in."

san lifted his head slightly to see wooyoung giving him a soft smile. 

wooyoung could see the pain and hurt in san's eyes, and it broke him. 

"san, what happened to you? what happened to us?"

the pain and hurt immediately left san's eyes after those questions. instead, they now looked empty.

"nothing, let's get this over and done with." san wiped his eyes and stood up, leaving the bathroom to enter his bedroom. wooyoung sighed and followed the older boy.

the black haired boy had fallen asleep and wooyoung had no idea what to do.

he heard the front door slam and jumped slightly, but relaxed when he realized it was just san's mother. he didn't bother going out to speak to her as he guessed she had just gotten home from a long day of work and probably just wanted rest.

wooyoung began to collect his stuff, throwing them all into his bag. he tried to be as quiet as possible, but failed when his bag with books fell off san's bed. san woke with a jump and sighed when he saw it was wooyoung.

"wooyoung what are you still-"

"san, what the fuck was that?" both boys tensed up as they heard san's mother yelling from downstairs. wooyoung was surprised, she didn't sound like the loving mother that she was when they were younger.

san held a finger up to his lips, signalling for the other to stay quiet. "nothing, i just dropped something."

after a couple of seconds of waiting for a response and getting none, both boys relaxed and looked at each other. "that was ms. choi?" wooyoung whispered and san nodded.

"she seems so different." 

san scoffed and got off his bed going to his closet. "people change." he threw on a hoodie before throwing a hoodie and pair of sweatpants to the younger boy. "i think it's best if you stay the night."

"don't you hate me?" wooyoung asked and san paused, thinking to himself.

"i said it's for the best, it's not like i'm begging you to." san closed his closet door and walked back to his bed, sitting on it and taking his phone out of his pocket. "you can change in the bathroom."

wooyoung nodded and walked into the bathroom where they had been only a few hours ago. wooyoung thought about how he had seen a whole different side to san that wasn't the tough, cold guy. he didn't know how to feel about it.

wooyoung frowned as he saw the blade on the floor that he hadn't noticed earlier. he picked it up and put it in a small pouch in his bag, not wanting the older to do anything that he'd regret. he then changed quickly and left the bathroom after smiling at himself in the mirror because of how oversized the hoodie looked on him.

he placed his bag down next to san's bed and stood there for a moment, not knowing whether he should sit on the floor or next to san. san looked up and raised an eyebrow.

"what are you doing?"

"where will i sleep?" wooyoung smiled sheepishly and san rolled his eyes, patting the other side of his bed.

"here, unless you'd prefer to sleep on wood." wooyoung giggled and walked to the other side, sitting next to the older. they sat in silence for a few moments with san playing on his phone while wooyoung subtly admired the boy's features.

"sannie, i have a question." san tensed at the old nickname and cleared his throat, putting his phone in his pocket.

"what?"

"why do you hate me?" san looked down, gulping.

"it's complicated." wooyoung tilted his head in confusion as he stared at the boy, unsatisfied with the answer he got. his eyes drifted down to san's hands and he took a deep breath before grabbing one and holding it in his own. san's eyes widened and he looked up, making eye contact with the younger.

"why do you hate me?" wooyoung asked again, but this time in a softer tone. the boys stared at each other for a few seconds until san harshly pulled his hand out of wooyoung's and took his phone out of his pocket again.

"i said it's complicated, now stop bothering me."