to: love that soothes

39. a goodbye letter: part 1

there is a lot of things i used to be able to do. i used to be able to look at myself in the mirror and think that i will bloom. i used to be able to love colors to death, splattering them all over like so much rain. i used to be able to watch fireworks and threw a cathartic laugh and point at all the sparks that make me love being alive.

i used to be able to have a peaceful conversation with my mind and we could say good night to each other and actually drift off like some old friends who promised they will meet again. i used to be able to feel the excitement in running, of feeling that my blood rushing like i could challenge all the world. i used to be able to spin and spin and trying to play with the light of the sun and fell in love with flowers and clouds.

i think i used to think that i could have had it all if i just keep on running and grab as much things as i can in my hands. but love, lots of things are made of air and water and dust even when they dont look like them and you can't bring them with you while you are running. the other things are pretty things that hurt you. suddenly you are in the edge of the world and realized your hands have been scarred and empty all along and for all that's worth you can never go back.

my love, i used to love you so much i wanted to watch the world end with you. now i want to love you just enough. enough to not hold you back. enough to let you go. enough to let it hurt and let it heal. enough to watch the world ends alone. sweetheart, living in this world means a bunch of lonely nights and lonely fights.

but it's our world anyway. our world alright. so much lessons we have to learn, right? you and me and all the seven billion people in the world. me and all the pages that ever learned how my skin feels. you and all the crowds that ever learned your name. promise me you will only hold on to things that you can hold. even when it's a flower as beautiful as a child's eyes, let it go if holding it tears your skin and makes your heart numb and delivers you to a thousand nightmares. one day it will make sense. all of this.

you silly big boy who has the smile of the sun, this is not your birthday yet, but have a blast, will you?

-- i hope at least it's warm wherever you are