To Love Somebody

26. saudade

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saudade - a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that had been loved and lost
the love that remains

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Misha sat down on the grass. Even though the park had empty benches, she found a secluded spot and sat down on the grass instead. 

The golden sun peered down on her as she adjusted her hat. Through clouded eyes, she scanned the world around her.

It felt like forever, forever since she'd been outside. But then again, being a single parent had been anything but easy.

"Misha." His voice was soft. And gentle. "It's been weeks."

And for Zander, the weeks had felt like months. 

Misha hadn't spoken to him since the wedding. His phone calls, she ignored. When he came over to visit their daughter, she never looked at him for more than a second. And every time he tried talking to her, her replies curt and about nothing more than the child they shared together.

He sat down next to her, his eyes set on her as she didn't even look up.

Instead Misha continued picking the dandelions that were scattered around, weaved in the green grass.

They sat at silence before Misha finally looked up at him. 

His brown hair tousled. Light stubble. But the one thing she noticed most, the hint of sadness as his eyes.

She smiled bitterly. 

He had no reason to be sad. This was what he had wanted. This was all his choice.

"I'm seeing a therapist." She cut straight to the point. She watched as his eyebrows furrowed. "She told me I need to talk about it. What I'm doing isn't healthy. Or something that like. That's what she told me." 

Misha mumbled before looking away. But she was aware that Zander's gaze had never left her, not once. And it bothered her. He had no right to look at her, look at her like that anymore.

"Everyone keeps telling me it's postpartum depression." She let out a dry laugh, speaking before Zander could interject. "Maybe it is. But lucky me, I went through a pregnancy all by myself, a divorce, I'm struggling to hold it together for Asha right now. What more does everyone else want from me?"

Misha continued rambled, everything that had been eating at her slowly spilling out. 

"Misha. I'm not..." His voice trailed off as he struggled to find something, anything to say.

She briefly closed her eyes as a somber silence surrounded them. She took in a deep breath, enjoying the sun on her.

"I love you." She whispered as she turned to look at him. And as she met his eyes, she could remember everything. The sly smirks he'd throw her way whenever he teased her. Or the way he'd flick her forehead when he wanted to make her mad. Or most of all, the way his eyes would soften whenever he looked at, with so much love. He always looked at her like she was the center of everything. 

"I don't think it's fair. How do you love and hate someone at the same time?" She shook her head, confused. She didn't want love, she wanted to hate him. To make him hurt like he'd done to her. "Why does love have to hurt so much?" 

"Misha." Zander stressed, almost pleading. This wasn't a conversation he wanted to have. He'd gone through the divorce, he'd given her space like she'd asked for. But this conversation, it was the one thing he had been avoiding like crazy. He knew this was it. After this conversation, any hope he'd had that he could win her back, it'd all be over. All done for.