New World Queen (Part One of the New World Queen Trilogy)

No More!

After a few hours of being a giant ass baby and crying over what Colton had said to me. I get angry, I like this feeling better. I know how to handle anger, I clench my teeth hard together and get up. Startling all my mates, except for Colton who is being a total dick and has disappeared. But i'll set him straight. I go and grab the only piece of clothing I have right now, I really should be more careful with my clothes, this is getting ridiculous. I pull the dress over my head and start for the door.
"Whoa now sweetness, where do you think you're going?" Jax moves apprutly in my path. I sigh and let my shoulders drop.
"I'm gonna talk to Colton. This is stupid and I need to set this right." I say matter of fact. They're not going to stop me, they can try but I won't let them succeed.
Jax sighs and glances behind me, most likely at Ryan.
"Look you can either come with me or not but I'm going our there to settle this mess." I fume, whatever it was I said works because Jax nods at me and opens the door and follows me out. I say nothing because I figured they wouldn't let me go alone. Not when I'm known to start fights. Nope, but it's ok, I plan on yelling at Colton, although I really should be begging for his forgiveness, I really just don't have it in me. Maybe I don't like being wrong, I'm pretty positive that's my problem. I don't like to be wrong. But really, does anyone?
As soon as I step outside I catch Colt's scent. Jax doesn't say anything to me, he doesn't try to take over or lead me anywhere else. I start following his scent. Jax a couple steps behind me as I march toward Colton with the determination of an animal stalking her prey.
Three miles later I find him and stop. He is sitting by the edge of a river, staring down into its rapid flowing waters. The heartbreak on his face is what stopped me. I expected him to be pacing, angry and ready to yell. But this wolf looks anything but. He looks, defeated. Head hung down, arms laying on his knees in that defeated way, I don't like the look. Colton has been nothing but strong and hardheaded. This isn't the look of a man that is strong and hardheaded, I have broken him. I take another step forward, noticing Jax standing back watching. He isn't planning on interfering, that much I know.
Colton's head turns slightly at my footsteps, I sit down beside him and just sit. I honestly have no idea what to say, I am not an overemotional girl, unless it's about getting mad and fighting so this whole, open your heart up thing leaves me a bit unsure. There's about three feet separating us and I don't like it, not at all. I want to be closer to him. The whole mate thing is really starting to take it's toll on me.
"I'm sorry." I whisper without looking at him, staring at the river with a determination to not look at him. When he doesn't answer though, I sneak a glance at him. My heart breaks when I realize he isn't looking at me and has made no move to get closer to me.
"I..." How do I say it? "Colton please." I whisper, a little bit of pleading pours into my voice, even I hear it. He sighs but does the opposite of what I was hoping. He turns his head completely away from me and even moves farther away. My heart cracks, shit, did I really fuck up that bad? I need to fix this, no matter what, I need to...trust them. All of them, like Arrin said, open myself up. I sigh and rest my chin on my knee, gathering my thoughts.
"I'm scared." I whisper, I almost feel his body tense up beside me but I don't look at him. I can't, not while I am opening up about what's going on inside me. Not sure I can handle it while I stare into his eyes. So I stare at the river, the frothy water takes my full attention.
"I've never had anyone before. I mean, I had Roland, my pixie friend but after I graduated I sent him away. I hurt his feelings, on purpose, lied to him, told him I didn't like him and never did. I wanted to protect him, so many...things wanted me dead and I knew I couldn't protect him completely. So I lied straight to his face. Told him I felt sorry for him, it was the only reason I was his friend. I broke his heart. It broke mine. But I couldn't stand the idea of someone hurting him or killing him because they wanted to get to me. He was my only friend, my only family." I pause as I wipe away a tear, I miss Roland. He truly was my best friend and at times like this, I wish I had him with me to set me straight. I chuckle, "he would have already cussed me out for being so stupid. Maybe even zapped my ass a few times already." I chuckle again then sigh, "I'm not used to having..."what's the word I am looking forward. "Anyone care about me or what I do. You're right though, I didn't, don't," fuck this is harder than I thought. "I don't know how to trust. I am scared of eight mates, I don't keep friends or make them very well. And now..." Another chuckle, I sigh and chance a glance at him. His hazel eyes are on me, it takes my breath away. "I don't know what to do. I don't know how to depend on anyone but myself. And I don't even trust myself most of the time. I just feel, angry...all the time. I truly don't know what the fuck is going on, why I should be dead, other than no one likes a half breed grumpy bitch." I smile at that, staring intently at the water, maybe I'm hoping it will just show me the answers. It won't though, I actually have to voice what is going on inside of me, that is a lot harder than it sounds.
"I'm sorry colt. I am a selfish bitch, I feel..." What? "I feel like I can trust no one. If I do, it'll lead me to my death. And for some reason, I don't want to die. I thought, before I fell through the portal that I wasn't scare of dying. I thought, dying is not the worst that can happen, right? There are other things to be more scared of, torture, rape, mind controlling. All of that having been tried with me before but I fought it off, every fucking time, anytime anyone tried a new trick to get to me I fought. But when I fell, when I thought I was going to die on that cold ice hard ground, my body more broken than it has ever been, I realized something. I didn't want to die, at least, not alone. I was so sure I was going to though, and it scared me. That thought broke me, I had no one because I push everyone away, I push and shove till no one wants to be near me. And I am laying on my death bed without anyone with me. It scared me. It still does." With a sigh, I close my eyes, a tear falls down my cheek. I don't wipe it away, its a part of me. "I don't want to die alone, but I don't how to trust, how to love, how to protect the ones that I want to love. I don't know how." I pause for a minute trying to collect my thoughts, I'm rambling I know, but that's what he wanted right, a chance to see me, who I really am. For me to open up, well, here I am, the rambling half breed bitch. "When I saw that you guys had been captured and the alpha said death, I didn't think Colton, I just acted. Like I always do. I couldn't watch you die, any of you. I...fuck...I care about you. You're already in my heart and I am sorry I don't show it better. But...I hate myself for hurting you, for pushing you away, it feels so natural for me do that. To push, I don't want anyone to get hurt because of me. I don't understand why I am so important that I have to be dead. I don't get it. I really don't know if I care, I just know...survival. Fight to live another day, that kind of shit." My eyebrows crease together as I try to gather my thoughts. I don't know what else to say though, words and pictures of what have happened to me and those that I have hurt flash in my mind.
"I don't know what else to say. I...I am sorry though, I don't intentionally mean to hurt you or push you away or just act without thinking everything through. I am an impulsive, quick tongue, sadist bitch. I am very much okay with making others suffer." I smile to myself, "in fact, if you want honest, I thouroghly enjoy making those out to kill me suffer as much as possible. I like pissing them off and watching them lose control, that's how I fight. I fight with words that I know will make someone lose control of their self and fight out of anger instead of thinking things through. I fight better that way. I piss others off for my own enjoyment, I am seriously fucked up. Maybe you're right to pull away from me. Maybe I really am a crazy half breed." That thought doesn't upset me though, instead it makes me feel calmer, maybe saying it out loud makes me realize how fucking true it is. I am pretty close to insane. I love pain, I feed off it, I feed off anger, it makes me fight better, makes me distant, makes it okay to taunt, infuriate and kill. Those are my strengths, how sad is that.
"What are you thinking?" Colton asks me quietly, I glance over and see him studying me. I can the curiousness in his bright hazel eyes.
"How close to insanity I am, maybe you're more right than I wanted to give you credit for. Maybe you're the smart one, seeing straight through me. I love to piss people off, how fucked up is that." I laugh at myself and shake my head. I have a mind to disappear, to run away, never to see these men again. Is it safer for them to be away from me? And not just the threat of others attacking me, but safer for them to be away from ME. I am the problem, I have eight more than capable males, all who have lived longer than me, survived longer than me, who can help protect me. Who actually want to protect me, who have the ability to protect me...and what do I do...I put myself in danger, time and time again, risking my life because I crave fights. I get a chance to explode, to let the anger out, and I always take it. Every fucking time.
"I don't deserve any of you." I finally say as I realize that everything I have thought and said is the fucking truth. I am insane, angry to the core, and apparently sucidial.
"That's not true." He says.
"Isn't it though?" I ask without looking at him. Eight males, I literally have eight fucking males that want me. All I do is use them for what I want then hurt them.
"What makes you so angry?" He ask quietly, I still don't look at him. I can only shrug because my answer is fucking everything, everything makes me angry.
"You know the answer Riplyn, what makes you so angry."
"Everything. And...nothing. I don't know how to explain it. My parents are dead, I don't know how, or why. I was raised by a vampire and then sent off. I thought he loved me, not in a romantic sort of way but a fatherly way, I haven't seen him or Nessie since then. The house I grew up in, it's gone, it's all forest, like it never fucking existed. They just disappeared. Then the death threats started coming from all angles, school was hard for me because no one understood what I could do. I can shift into any animal, I can control nature and when I am really pissed off I can bring down buildings. They crack and rumble and then just become destoryed. I am destruction at it's best. I hurt, I anger and I kill. And the fucking scary part... I like it. I like the fact that no one has killed me yet but I can rip heads from bodies, crumble a kingdom. And I wonder why everyone wants me dead. There is no good in me. There can't possibly be if I crave that, can there?" And I wait, because I want, more than anything for him to tell me the truth. He sighs, then surprises me by grabbing my chin and turning it towards his perfect face.
"You are not insane. You are not crazy. Angry, yes. Destructive, yes but you don't have to be that. You're that way because you don't count on anyone, you don't think anyone has your back, that no one cares about what happens to you. But you so very wrong Riplyn. I care what happens to you." He nods his head behind him and I see Jaxon, watching intently, listening to every word that has crossed my lips. "He cares what happens to you. Those vampires care, thats why they came, Arrin, he fucking cares. And Easton can't stop staring at you. We all have a past Riplyn, but you can do two things with it, you can carry that anger from your past and continue to build that damn wall around your heart or you can embrace it, learn from it and let's us in. It's a choice, but only you can make it." Another tear runs down my cheek and I close my eyes as he wipes it away with his thumb.
"You're going to have to make a choice riplyn. You're going to have to decide what it is YOU want for your future. The way I see it, you can accept us completely or you can run from us. But if you run, you will be alone, no one will love and protect you better than we will."
"Because you're my mates? And that makes you want too?" I ask, hating the insecurity I feel at thinking just because we are fated they feel they have to be with me.
"No Riplyn, because we know you. Because your beautiful, strong, smart and regardless of what you think, you have a good heart and soul. You just feed off the anger, not a horrible thing but not a good thing either. You have to learn to trust, you have to choose it. Choose to believe we can and will protect you. You do not have to fight all the battles by yourself. And you shouldn't." I open my mouth to...yep, you guessed it, argue but he stops me with a finger pressed against my lips. "You do not have to fight alone Riplyn Riann. You have us. Whether you want us or not, we are here for you. You just have to open that guarded heart of yours. Let us prove it to you, give us a chance. You'll never know the truth until you do." He says, his eyes begging me to hear every word. And I do, I hear it and I accept it because he is right. And, it's the same damn thing Arrin told me. If I don't want to be alone then I have to trust. I nod at him.
"Ok." I whisper. His eyes widen a bit.
"Ok?" He asks, unsure if he heard me right or that wasn't the answer he was expecting. I'm not entirely sure.
"You're right, Arrin is right. I will..try. I will have you know that it goes against everything I have ever believed in but I will try." His smile is lopsided but there.
"That's all I ask. Give us a chance." I nod and swallow.
"Ok." I say again, he grins and shakes his head.
"You're a stubborn one, that's for sure." I roll my eyes and sigh.
"I am not." I grumble back. This time both Colton and Jaxon laugh. "I'm not that bad." I whisper, but I already know that isn't true. Haven't I already admitted that part. Yep but I guess I am just...stubborn. I sigh and lay back on the ground.
"Being truthful sucks." I grumble. Colton lays down beside me, propped up on his elbow as he stares down at me. I turn my head and stare back at him. He eyes roam all over my face, landing on my mouth more than once. When his hand reaches up and he grazes the point of my ear, I shiver, because it feels so good to be accepted. Accepted for who I am, what I am. An angry half breed bitch who likes to fight anyone and everything.
"So what happens now?" I ask, slightly nervous for some damn reason. Colton gives me a wolffish grin, one that sets my body immediately on fire. His finger slides down my ear, to my neck then across my jaw. My breathing starts to accelerate, my heart begins to pound against my chest.
"Now, you allow us to show you what love is Riplyn." He whispers as his face gets closer to mine. I don't fight him, I have wanted colton since the second I saw him. But I swallow because I am nervous, scared to open my heart. He sees my hesitation, but he doesn't stop, instead his lips touch mine. Gentle, a light brush before he pulls away.
"Sorry I killed melena." I don't know why I said that, damn, there is something wrong with me.
"Don't worry about it, we didn't like her anyway." He shrugs it off. "You on the other hand..." He smiles as I swallow, "we were glad you showed your jealous side." He grins at me and I cross my arms over my chest. Opening my mouth to sass off about how I don't get jealous.
"Argue all you want, you were jealous." He mumbles before he bits lightly on my ear lobe. And words disappear, thoughts become fuzzy. I moan instead of argue, I reach for him and he lets me touch him.