𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐥𝐲𝐳𝐞𝐝 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 ✔︎

||09||

Meloncholies were just another thing I was trying to overcome, whatever happened , however I tried to console my heart, fidgetness couldn't escape my heart. Meanwhile I found another letter which was the only place I found solace.

Letter 12:

Dear Husna,

I want to share something with you. Something that has been itching my heart for many a years. I have never regretted living with Ma. I have lived every minute of with her whole heartedly. But sometimes I felt I was gonna die soon, I would get a tired, exhausting feeling .

In the vicinity of my heart, I felt Sick.
I was feeling the same illness ,numbness through my veins.
I knew I was wrong but I was unaware of the truth. That was a very period I went through.Maybe I was really getting sick ,untill you came. Thank you for coming in my life,Husna.

Your sick husband,
Bilal.

I didn't take that letter in mind,neither I wanted to take it seriously.

Some days passed.

Days were literally passing . Only passing. leaving no effect on anything. just the indifferent. I counted the days like counting stars ,never ending. but fragility was having growth. I felt awestruck ,when oneday an unexpected dream flowed my sleepness reflected in front of my eyes.

I woke up as any other day,as any other dawn. My body was heavy,than ever. I could not see things clear as I could,it was fuzzy around my eyes. I oblivioned it when walked to the washroom. The thought of waking up mother-in-law still was alarming my mind. In my dream. As soon as I gazed up at the mirror the existing figure was not me, or worst some other state of mine.

I saw uncountable curves and winces in the curb of my skin. They were so pale and enhanced the oldness of mine.
What I saw,my eyes couldn't afford to believe. I travelled my gaze to my hand which were heavier than any time. Their state were indifferent. They literally looked like mother-in-law's hands, faded fingers and crunchy palm,on them uncountable winces. The nails were like bricks which had crisp.
The softness and moisture of my neck,the beauty bones were disappeared under flat and weak skin.
I was blank for a moment. Then a turmoil of desperation raised inside me, I was crazily trailing my fingers over my skin, trying to prove it wrong .
Beads of sweats were forming there along with exhaustion of years. I felt a tint of tense splashing my body but suddenly with a fortune that nightmare broke.

I was drenched in real sweats. The bedsheet had a figure wetted as I could feel the wetness of my clothes sticking to my body.

There was a dizziness in mind.

What was that dream?

Some weird thoughts gathered along my mind, scratching some pain in heart. I tried to shake of those and got ready for the usual works of morning.

Mother-in-law was then became so familiar to me that we didn't have those barriers of hesitation and weirdness. We both embraced our acquaintance for each other .

Offering the same smile at her, I was lifting her on bed when in a chain of thoughts my mind cracked.

Am I turning old faster living with her?

My hand slipped when she suddenly got off my grip and stayed layed on the bed when I noticed some tides of lines in her forehead. Perchance,she realized my mind swing. I muttered a small 'sorry' to her when again made her sit,unfailed . Putting the morsels of food in her mouth,she seemed to have no desire for food for some days.
Patients often goes through  appetite loss. I guessed so.

Can she influence my health?

Another question hit my mind when I was wiping her mouth after feeding her. The medicine pills were forgotten to offer her. But thankfully she remembered me by indicating it. I was realizing that I was off minded that day. That dream was merely a dream but somehow it opened an unknown page of my mind. It was a sheer thought but seriousness couldn't hold its grip from me.

Making her sleep, I didn't feel good to eat something or probably ignored my hunger. Cooking some food, I did not even have a bath that day. Busy with those clumsy estimations,somewhere time passed when it was afternoon.

For praying the asr, I lifted my unfed,tired body to the washroom again,the mirror on the wall again brought me in a nausea. Some splash of water couldn't soothe them. Again I looked at my face which was unchanged.

Is there any chance we become sick living with sick people? Do they posses their sickness over us? What if it is true? My face is changing like mother-in-law's? 

I was touching my face while those questions hammering my heart continuously.

I am losing my mind. No, it's all delusions. Not real.

I slapped my cheeks to shook off those thoughts and break the shackles of my tensions. I could hear the aggressive beats of my heart trying to say something eerie.

I tried hard to focus on salah but couldn't. I welly knew I wasn't an obedient believer, I wasn't a perfect being in front of Allah. All are not lucky to taste that eternal and spiritual feeling at once. Some are broken,in the path of trying only,in the path of earning perfection. But I tried to show my gratefulness by heart in a small ray of hope of, someday I have to stand before HIM, who hath created me and I will have to return to HIM, forever.

an important thing I want to clear,

This may have looked  'making-no-sense' on how Husna thinks that she can be influenced by her sick mother-in-law and get older soon and also get affected by her sickness BUT , think for once; Husna has been living with her  SICK mother-in -law for an amount of days  and farther more,she is alone. So lonesomeness can obviously bring some weird thoughts in her mind. As far as I have researched on this, it is normal for a human who has been connected with sickness anyhow (but not affected) can feel that he/she is himself/herself is actually going to be sick or have the influence of sickness. It can be called physiological influence but not physical .

*Sorry for this extra lecture, I am just trying to keep things clear, nothing much *