𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐥𝐲𝐳𝐞𝐝 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 ✔︎

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Cleanliness was another hardship when you have to do it for anyone else than yourself.

From the beginning of nursing her infection, I used to wipe her whole body with a wet towel soaked in anti germ fluid mixed with warm water. It was so sensitive for me to touch the places where infection attacked, causing it look reddened and a little lump. Massaging a balm on them, they became rash,curbuncle and untouchable.It didn't look eye-pleasing,there was a chance of transition of the infection from her body to mine.

Nevertheless,I forced my guts to touch them,to less the pain of that helpless woman who was staring at me all the time with hollowed eyes. Her hands trembled when I used to unhook the buttons of her cloth,touched her clunk places with noticeable pain. I could feel the coldness over her body. She compelledly gripped the bedsheet, forcing her inner self to trust me. To trust an unknown, unexpected and broken helper.

Every time I placed my frigid hands on her very parts which were not comfortable to be touched, shivering in my hands would force my hands going numb. Her body shivered also, while she got goosebumps. Few groans escaped her voice getting touched by the antiseptic balm; sometimes her eyes couldn't hold tears and she weeped soundlessly.

Letting my feelings aside, I also used to dig myself in her perspective.I used to find words in her eyes, in her getsures. Perhaps, I found them also?

How would one feel to be touched by an unknown person over her body, no matter which sex the person belongs to?

Instead of an honest intention,no one never wishes it. No one desires to be treated like a dead body. She also didn't want to accept her fate.

In the depths of my heart, I knew I was pure in taking care of her.
She trusted me, not wholeheartedly ; but in real states that I was her well wisher,her one and only pedestal from preventing her from breaking
down.

We breathe,we live,we survive; depending on the emotions we cherish in ourselves which are interacted with a human who also holds emotions,whose heart beats.

Living with the paralyzed woman, I never intended to build a emotional bonding with her. What? What could I usually say to her? She had nothing to do with me. I tried to utter some words but an invisible force holded my tongue from speaking. Only gazes from  blue eyes transitted into my blackie orbs. Sometimes, I would like to scream and break the soundlessness of the house where water drops were also earful. No words escaped between us. The little noises sounded loud in my ears because I was almost full to the brim in silence.

Emotions flows like ocean waves, wherever it finds beach, it falls over it.

My feelings were crafted neutral but couldn't resist to fall upon the beach of her heart. Because we both were vacant inside.Wherever I trailed in the house, perhaps she used to hear my footsteps. Whenever I went to her,her heart would be better an inch than it was before.

Gradually, she was healing with the time and my care. Little talks grew with little feelings. I used to ask the silliest questions at first,she laughed on them, I smiled.

" Do you like spring? "

She nodded in disapproval.

" Winter? "

She smiled and again gestured negetive in eyes .

" Ummm....Autumn?"

She widened the smile flashing a beautiful face and nodded with yes.

These answers from her side was only a slight nod,a smile,eyes sparkling,hands trembling,eyelids tipping, wrinkling nose, eyelashes batting and so gestures; no letters,no words,no sentences,no sound ,no language. So on,we started conversing.

Sometimes, I talked with her about my life before I came there, I would laugh at my silliness and she smiled slightly. That smile was blissful. It rejoiced my heart for few seconds. The introvercy I had, didn't obstacled then mystiquely .

It pleased me for an ephemeral time,but didn't reduce my despair and agony.

The letters were the solace, I found in the silence. I would force myself hard,not to touch them,not to unfold it, my eyes craving for the curved letters started filling with tears as I relished another letter, unrevealed it forcefully against myself.

Letter 8 :

Dear Husna,

Do you know how much my ma love to chitchat? She incoherently will reply you if you once knock at the door of her heart. She loves stories, specially in the tone of woman. I remember,when she was well in her health state,thousands of tales were echoed in her voice. She had no listener except me. Bhai was always ignorant of her,he despised her everyday,bhai was irritated with her,worse;he also said it loud in front of Ma which caused her much pain. I used to fight with Bhai because he admonished Ma. I couldn't bear it,Ma cried in my shoulder and she never wanted me to do the same Bhai did. Still, Bhai loves Ma so much, he was too weak for Ma when she was in paralysis. That love got stoned under another love. Farah bhabi,she was a snake in our family who poisoned our family. But bhai loved her with heart and Soul. When she insisted to go Abroad,bhai was helpless to save his scattered family for the sake of his daughter, Nabilah. Bhai left but he promised,he will return. He wanted to return, I know how much remorses he goes through being unable to help his ill mother.I don't know when he will return. I have told them about you,so if they ever by fate comes home, do not fall apart. They are my family,and yours too. Forgive me for burdening you.

Your will-be restless husband
Bilal

Why does he ask forgiveness every time?

Doesn't he fear if I am not doing the things he has expected?

What if I don't do it ?

What if his brother brother appear here oneday? His destructive sister-in-law appears with him? Will they let me live in peace?

Peace.Voila.

It was somewhere hidden and undiscovered in the core of my heart.

How brutally the questions sabred my heart consistently! Again a stroke of uncertainty and abdabs clogged up my mind.