𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐥𝐲𝐳𝐞𝐝 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 ✔︎

||14||

In a gust of wind,my hasty footsteps took me in the outside of a world where she didn't existed. My hands were affectationately enveloped under my mom's. The car started leaving,I looked more and more at the familiar house which's one window was broken of mother-in-law's room. I wished she could peek from there and called my name once. Why would she have? Those scents which were deeply attached in my nostrills started vanishing with an unfamiliar and new fragrance.

Surely,the smell of these dusty roads, greenish bushes,shabby cars were far better from the smell of dirty clothes,anticaptic and cereal foods. But I craved for that stingy smell,again and again.

I had no words to put into my parents' mouth. I was already so levelled down in their eyes, I couldn't ask for some food I had willed to give mother-in-law when I, myself was in need of food. I was not less than a abandoned woman by her husband. I couldn't say that— I would return, I was unable to live without her,I  was too guilty to leave her behind in that state. I was burning with repents. I had rather die than leaving her. I kept scattering my heart, slapping my cheeks uncountable times in heart.

I had lost my own limits,my own self respect and ideality at once. I regarded myself as a loser. But I reassured myself, whatever I had done was only to survive.

I went back to the small greenish village,in the bank of a river.
Realization started unravelling its wings when I knew how lonely I was feeling. Leaving her behind,I was still alone in a crowd. There were people around me at my home village,but no one could resist that homesickness that kept gobbling my heart. Ins and outs, melancholy took upon me. I was given food this time,but the hunger to see Bilal and his mother, curved the vessels of my stomach.

I had finally gotten time to rest,to lay down my body unstressed,let my limbs peacefully sleep but— this stupid mind,this stupid heart; it was restless about it's syllables,in it's every neuron and every rhythm worriness was burried so deep down that its root couldn't be uprooted. I prayed—my mind and heart would go paralyzed for a moment and would let my body breathe without hiccups of tension but it didn't go as I expected. Sleep was gone somewhere in the lost land though I was laying in the most familiar bed of my life. My family was there but I didn't feel their homeness around me.

Wonder,how could my naive heart got attached with a paralyzed patient? Who had been the reason behind my pain,my separation and crasher of every dream I had caged in my heart? Wasn't I more than a senseless and infinite giver who had been always sacrificing but still remorsing? I pitied myself. I was selfless but selfish of my goodness too much.Human ain't angel,they need to let go things,they ought to save the last piece of bread for their selves. Nonetheless, I was a fool to put the bread in other's mouth with my own hand. What did I gain in return of my kindness? Unrequited love? Pools of tears and again lonesomeness? At the end of the day, laying in the prayer mat I would utter, an acheful desire in my heart,

" Grant me a paralyzed heart which would stop beating for him,and his mother. Take me far from this pain forever. Stab this selflessness at once,fill it with some self love. "