The Life of A No Good, Arms Dealing, Life Stealing, Air Breathing Killjoy

FUN TOPIC!

                                                                        DEATH!

        Okay, maybe not a fun topic, but still, it;s a topic that's been weighing on my mind.

        You see, my first human experience with death was when my grandmother died on Christmas when I was 11.  I cried a lot.  She was old and in pain, so I eventually got over that.  I never really effected me that bad, ya know?  It wasn't until a little over a year later that my second experience came.

        When I was 12, my cousin died.  He was so much to me, though.  I had seen him at least twice a month since I was 7, so it hit me kinda hard.  In fact, when he noticed that I was being bullied at school, he showed me My Chemical Romance and gave me the Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge album.  He got me into the music I love.  The last conversation we ever had was about them actually.

                                                        Here's how it went:

                        Me: "Hey, thanks a lot.  Because of you, I love My Chem now."

                        Him: "What's wrong with that?"

                        Me: (OMIGAWD PLEASE DON'T GET MAD AT IGNORANT 12 YEAR OLD ME) "Mom                 says they're faggots..."

                        Him: *small laugh then awkward silence as his mom calls he over and he leaves not                 even waving goodbye*

        So yeah...it really hits me hard.  He died from drinking.  On that day I had a basketball game (me and sports *o* ) that he was supposed to come to.  I was mad that he didn't come, ya know?  Two hours later I find out he died three hours before the game.  THE LAST WORD I SAID TO HIM WAS "FAGGOTS."  I really hate myself for that.

        After he died, I couldn't listen to music.  It physically and emotionally hurt.  I remember freaking out every time a MCR song came on.  I became an insomniac because I'd have nightmarish memories of finding out about his death every night.  I started self harming by the time I turned 13 ( I'm 16 now and have been clean since I met Gerard Way, so Oct.4, 2014).  I wanted to die.

        About a year and a half after his death, I attempted suicide.  During this attempt, I actually put on music.  I found an old MP3 Player he had given me.  The first thing that came on was Track One of Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge, "Helena."  I listened to the album and began crying at :The Ghost of You," Track Six.  I saw beauty in "The Jetset Life Is Gonna Kill You," Track Seven, partially because of pills and death.  Eventually Track Nine, "Thank You For The Venom" came on.  I didn't want to die anymore.  I started crying.  When Track Twelve, "Cemetery Drive," hit, I had cleaned myself up and was falling asleep.  During the last track, "I Never Told You What I Do For A Living," I put the album on repeat and fell asleep.  That was the first real sleep I had in over a year.

        Even now, I need music to sleep.  For a while, I had issues listening to "The Ghost of You" without crying (I still can't listen to the acoustic).  I still have nightmares about once a week.  I'm fine other than that, though!

        I suppose I'm freaking out right now because Feb. is his month (that's how I like to say he died during that month) and Feb. starts in a few hours.  Crap.

        Oh well.  It was really nice venting.  Sorry about this, for those who read it and for those who care.  Have a nice February, because I won't!