How Do I Explain?

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by Ryanrossisatwink

by Ryanrossisatwink

Well, it's been a while. It's currently 11:41 P.M.. Since no one reads this, I'm confessing to myself. I'm a terrible human being. I take what I want from everyone else and give nothing in return. I expect help from people I don't even care about. I'm selfish and suicidal. I'm an idiot. I met the greatest man on Earth, and nothing changed.

On Oct.4, 2014, I met Gerard Way. For the first time, I told the truth. I told him all that he meant to me. I told him how selfish I was. I told him that I was an idiot and that I tried to take my own life. You know what he told me? "Well, I'm glad you're alive." We both cried (yes, he actually cried) during this conversation. It was apparent that I was self loathing, and needed help. For the first time though, I felt as if I was going to be okay. When he said he was glad I was alive, it made me realize that I'm glad I am too. So that's what I told him. "I am, too."

Life went back to normal after that day. I found myself counting pills within the next week. Then, while I was just thinking about death, I remembered another thing Gerard had said. "We all go through tough times, some of us can't make it. I'm sure you've already made it though." So, with pills in my hand, I realized that I am not allowed to give up. I have to stay strong, just because I met Gerard Way.

No, he never necessarily said I couldn't kill myself, but his facial expression is what said it all. The fact that I spent five minutes with this man and made him cry. I felt bad. If I killed myself, that would prove his faith in me (if only for 5 minutes) was wrong. I could never do that to him.

He is my hero. He has saved me multiple times, whether it had been in MCR or as his own person. I owe him this life, whether he knows it or not. Because of him, I have to make something of myself, or all of the unknown effort he has put into me will go to waste.

I love him.

No, not in a relationship, fan-girl way.

In a "I respect you" way.

I love him.

No, not in a "I like your music" way.

In a "you saved my life" way.

I love him.