Someplace Like Home |n.j

32.

"So how're you doing?"

Hoseok's been checking up on me lately, calling me out of the blue and showing up at my bar. He has a party tonight. He did invite me, but I'm not a fan of the whole scene, nor the people that do go. I have a shift tonight anyway. It's been about two weeks since she left.

I'm taking my break right now, sitting at the curb by myself with my jacket on. It's weird not seeing Nami next to me.

But strangely enough, even with her gone, I feel like she's always around. It's how I feel these days. It's like she's still here. I do miss her like hell, but it's comforting that I can still feel her presence. Maybe she's just a part of me now.

She feels closest when I do things that we used to do together, like sit at the curb.

I guess that's just the kind of person that Nami is. She doesn't have to be around for you to think of her, to remember her, to feel her. She sticks with people even when she leaves.

I know I'm one of the lucky ones, or maybe the only one. I wonder how they felt, the people that she abandoned in all those other towns. How did they react after they found out what Nami did to them? They didn't get closure nor comfort like I did. I was almost one of them. I still don't know what it is about me that made Nami return. Why couldn't the people before change her? I hope those people are doing alright. I hope they aren't remembering every part of her like I am.

I jam my phone between my ear and my shoulder as I picked at the dried stain on my vest, "I'm doing okay, Hoseok. Stop acting like I'm mourning. Enjoy your party."

"I can't without checking you're okay. Have you contacted her at all? Did she leave anything? A phone number, an address?"

I sigh, "No."

"No?" He sounded surprised, "Doesn't that mean-"

"No, I don't think that's what it means."

I could sense Hoseok's uneasiness through the phone.

I repeat again, "I really don't. Going back to Sapporo is a big thing for her. She isn't just changing a location, Nami's going back to face herself. I know she doesn't need her focus being anywhere else."

To be honest, I never expected her to leave behind any contact information. I never expected her to keep in touch, but that doesn't mean she's abandoned us. I don't know why I'm so sure, it's a feeling. I just am.

"Are you okay with that? What if she meets someone there in between and you don't know? What if she cheats on you?"

"We're not together, Hoseok. She wouldn't be cheating," Though I'm not worried about such a thing, I wouldn't hold it against her. I told her she didn't have to come back for me. It's funny how clear my mind is about this. Just a month ago I was in a constant state of anxiety over how puzzling our relationship was.

"What?" Hoseok's voice just keeps getting higher the more confused he gets, "You're not together? You're not boyfriend and girlfriend? Did you guys break up before she left? But you guys were still kissing in the car, crying and shit."

I pinched at the bridge of my nose as I searched for the words that could explain the situation, "We're not dating. We don't have a label on this. It's just...we both know what we are. We're there for eachother and even if she goes off dating someone, or I do, we're still connected. I don't know. There's a mutual understanding, that's all you need to know."

I think we've changed each other. Nothing has been the same since Nami. And I know I'm the same kind of existence to her. I see the world completely different now. I never believed a person could do that; change your whole world. After so much, you realize you're not who you are without them. They really are a part of you, whether if you like it or not. I wouldn't have understood such a thing just a year ago.

I heard a chuckle at the other end of the call, "You guys are fucking weird."

I shrug, turning my head to stare at the spot that she would usually sit at, "I don't mind."

I just hope she's doing okay.

I hope she'll follow through with all her goals, but also give herself a break if it starts to consume her. But to say that there's any chance of that would be a lie. Nami prioritizes her goals more than herself. She'll choose anything but herself. She'll always get where she wants, even if it takes everything. She's especially good at sacrificing herself. It's like a skill, one I wish she didn't have.

I know she's probably scared out of her mind right now. I always knew this wouldn't be easy for Nami, but I was only made aware of just how afraid she was when she nearly broke down talking about it. The wound caused by her childhood trauma goes deeper than I assumed before. Remembering that look on her face makes me uneasy. It makes me regret not going with her. I don't want to think about how lonely she feels, being back at that place.

But with all this, comes another truth. Nami is a strong woman. She'll get through anything. I believe that. I know that. And I can't wait for the day I hear it from herself that she's done it. That she's made peace with her past and achieved all that she set out to do.

"You're missing out you know," Hoseok's voice came through the phone, "Party's getting wild right now," He chuckled with loud chaotic noises making it harder to hear him.

"Wild isn't really what I'm looking for right now," I looked down at the concrete road beneath my foot, then kicked around a cigarette butt. It could be Nami's.

"Hey," Hoseok seems to have moved to a quieter spot, "Should I come over and visit you?"

He never fails to prove his loyalty, even when I don't ask of it.

"What about your party?"

I heard him kiss his teeth, "Eh, these people won't even tell I'm not here. They came for the booze, not me."

Still, I shake my head, "No, it's still your house, you should watch over it. I'm fine here on my own. My break's about over too."

"I'll trust you that you're fine then. Talk later?"

I shrug, "Maybe."