Someplace Like Home |n.j

43.

Nami,
I'm sorry I haven't written to you. If I could have mailed this earlier I would've.
I've been going through a lot of changes, but I'm okay.
Are you alright?
Let me know.
I miss you more than I thought I would.

Remember that night when you were at my house? We just got back to the city after visiting my father. We were drinking and you played music through my computer.
I missed you so I went back to listen to the songs you played.
I really listened this time, I read all the lyrics.
I know you wouldn't blame me, but I'm sorry I wasn't able to see you were struggling. That was your way of communicating with me and I didn't catch it.
But I know now. And I'll be here. I'll wait for you, I won't go anywhere.

Do you have any more songs for me? It's okay if you don't, I just miss you.
I'll hear from you?

I love you,
Namu.

I fold the letter back into a rectangular shape with an exhale of relief. I just needed to know he was fine, and that we were fine. I felt like I was going to die waiting.

I realize now that I could be far away from him in distance, but that's never going to stop him from being close to me. He's in every corner of my mind, when I'm happy, when I'm excited, when I'm angry, nervous, lost.
I pull the bracelet off my wrist and juggle it between my fingers. I keep learning about myself through him. I couldn't run from my mother either. I still wound up back here.

I did however successfully hide for over half a decade, that's still impressive, no?

I'm a devastatingly vulnerable and emotional person, pretending I was someone that didn't care only made me care even more. It's always like this. I'm more predictable than some people think I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve and get mad when people notice.

"Mother," I walked around the house looking for any sign of her. I see nothing but hear a faint response.

"Where are you?"

Her voice is louder this time, "I'm in the bathroom, I'm scrubbing the toilet."

I retrace my steps into the white tiled room, "Where do you keep the paper in the house?"

Her arms goes up to her forehead to catch the sweat, "You've been back here for how long, you still don't know where everything is?"

I purse my lips, "I've been here for how long and you still can't remember how long I've been back?"

She stands up with an exhale, hands pressing on her knees, "You really are my daughter. All the stationary are in the storage room next to the tool box."

"See, that wasn't so hard, right? When somebody asks you something you don't always have to respond with some snarky comment."

"You really should speak to me with more respect," My mother mutters while gathering her cleaning supplies and making her way out the bathroom. I follow her with a smile, hands in my pockets.

"I think we both know we've gone past formalities and 'respect', neither of us owes each other that."

I hear her repeating my words with a grumble under her breath. I let out a small chuckle and walk ahead to enter the storage room.

...

Hey Joon,

Don't be sorry, I'm grateful for the letter.
I don't have any songs for you anymore, just words of my own. I think I should be old enough for that.

I really am sorry for the way I treated you. I only did what I knew how to with my feelings and my relationships, which isn't a lot. It wasn't your job to read my mind, or to fix my life. But I know you're too nice to put the blame on me.

I've been thinking about it for a while. I'm not questioning your feelings, I just want you to know that I'm here for you, not our relationship. If you ever start to feel differently, or find someone else, don't feel guilty when you tell me. My love for you will be forever, no matter what shape or form it takes. This time in both our lives is for growth, and if that includes loving someone else that's okay too. Let it happen.

Harumi is back, he broke up with a boyfriend he's been with for five years. He said he needed to come to back to something familiar. I think in some ways he too has been out chasing for a high. We never really wanted anything honest. We just wanted something that wasn't...here. Harumi and I have had a lot to talk about nowadays because of that. Our journeys have been different, but nearly identical at its core.

Kenji and I are still a little awkward after I found out he still has feelings for me. But that's fine, we're taking it slow and not rushing to fix things.

My mother and I are doing better. We still bicker and sometimes fight a little harder than we have to, but we're comfortable. I think you'd be proud of me. I didn't know I could last so long here.

I still can't resist talking to you. I think I've realized that you aren't bad for me, at all. You're not a distraction until I make you one. It's never on you. Maybe I'm just trying come up with excuses to let myself write to you. I'm learning more about myself lately. And that's helped me understand what we have and why I kept trying to fuck it up.

I think that's all, for now. Let me know how you are when you can, or want to.

You'll never know how much I love you,
Nami.