Someplace Like Home |n.j

40.

"I'm sorry to hear about that."

I could tell he meant it. I shrug silently while I placed my folded t-shirt into the suitcase. I can't talk about it. I'd cry if I do.

"How long will you live with your mother?" Hoseok hands me a stack of my folded pants. I take them and stuff them in as well. He insisted to come help me pack, I let him. I don't feel safe being alone with my thoughts. Not right now. Hoseok's overwhelming attitude could be what I need.

"I don't know. Until it feels okay for me to come back."

I laugh a little to myself at just how much I sound like Nami. We're even both going to the mother we once rejected. Nami and I are more alike than I thought.
I suddenly remember the unfinished letter sitting on my desk. I don't know what to write anymore. All I can think about now is my father, but I don't want to waste a letter on bad news. There's no point to that. She'll have to wait a little longer.

"Can I come to visit? Just once in a while," He sits himself on my sofa. My suitcase is just about full now.

"I don't know. If she magically starts liking you, then maybe. You can come over here on your own though, if that mansion of yours ever gets too much," I dig into my pants and throw him the keys. Hoseok catches it with one hand and stuffs it down his pocket with a smile.

"What about rent? You won't be working there?"

"No, I'll just pay with my savings, unless you want to pitch in?" I say with a crooked grin while I bent down to zip up the luggage.

"Sure."

I was joking.

I don't argue with him though, he has enough zeros in his bank account. I'll let him spend it however he wants.

Silence soon fell between us once we both realized all that was left is for me to leave. I stay on the floor and look around my studio. I should've done this earlier. I should've lived with them, lived with him. I shouldn't have been here, missing a girl and drinking with Hoseok like I had nothing to worry about. I had a second chance when my father survived the first stroke, but I missed it.

Now he's just gone. There's no undo button. And I can't do anything about it.

He was always so optimistic and supportive. Things were different with him. My love for him wasn't from a sense of responsibility, I just wanted to. When I was younger I always wondered why he stayed with Mother. They were polar opposites. She was always so bitter. I thought she would kill the light inside him, but he just kept smiling.

Now that I realize how little I knew about Mother, it's starting to make sense. I don't know how she grew up, what kind of baggage she carries, but maybe Father was the love in her. He was the only gentle constant in her life, just like he was mine. And he stayed because he understood. Her bitterness, her inability to carry and accept love, none of it was strange to him, because he knew. He knew things Mother wouldn't tell me, or my sister. Things she wouldn't tell another soul.

I wouldn't have understood two years ago.

I don't want to know what it feels like for my mother right now. I don't think anybody can be what he was to her again. Not even me, not even my sister.

"Hey," Hoseok's voice was quiet, I look up to him and he's holding my phone, "Your sister called."

I swallow, "Oh."

I snap myself out of my head and get up to take the phone from him. I put it to my ears and sit myself down next to Hoseok.

"Hello?"

Geongmin rarely calls. So this is what it takes.

"Hey,"

She still has no basic manners.

"Are you...okay?"

I didn't know I missed her voice so much. She still sounds like a child. No matter how old she is, I can't stop labeling her as my 'little' sister. I wish I was there for her more when she was younger. I know we could've been closer. We just chose not to. I'm always too late.

"Yeah," I managed to croak out with a dry throat, "You?"

We were never great at conversations, but the smallest amount of words always seemed to be enough. We understood each other. Even if neither of us said anything, we knew.

"I can't concentrate in class, I don't know what I'm doing here. I should be in Korea right now."

She was hurting, alone. I'm about to live with Mother. We'd be able to mourn together, maybe even remember Father by talking about him. She has no one there, no one that could understand, at least.

"Then you should fly here."

There was a pause, "What about my studies? And the plane ticket? We're not rich."

I look to Hoseok, who was already eyeing me with concern and curiosity. No. I won't ask that of him. I look back down on the floor.

"I'll pay half of the ticket, forget about school for a bit. Just come home."

Maybe it was something I said. Seconds after, I started hearing suppressed whimpers from the other side of the line. She's crying.

I clench my jaw and throw my head back against the sofa. I've never felt more helpless. Imagine what it must've felt like to receive a call saying that your father is dying and you can't be there. I was just an hour away, I still didn't get to say anything to him. Why did we ever move so far away? Why did we separate like that? It all feels so foolish now.

"Geongmin," It felt right to say this. I get it now that there is no 'perfect' moment. Either you say it or you don't, "I love you."

She starts crying harder, enough that I can hear the tears drip down her chin. Great. I look back at Hoseok to acknowledge him, he must see the red in my eyes. He gives me this silent expression that I know is his way of asking me if things are alright. I shake my head. Hoseok frowns with a nod.

He reaches his hand over to pat my arm. Crying becomes so much easier when you're being comforted. I hesitate for a moment before leaning my head onto Hoseok's shoulder. And I exhale. I'm speechless. I have nothing left to say. The droplets slide down my cheeks as I let the sound of my sister sobbing echo in my ears for what feels like an eternity.