Indifference (boyxboy)

18. My One Weak Spot

Ryan

I made my way into school at a snail's pace. I really wasn't ready to see Elijah. He really messed with my head.

After I got back home yesterday I got a grilling from Nate and Eddie. They didn't understand what was going on between us, and to be honest neither did I. Nate was convinced we were secretly dating, something which I adamantly denied, and something which Eddie found hilarious. Eddie was more convinced that Elijah had something over me, and that I was intimidated or scared of him in some way.

I think Eddie was right on some level. He did sometimes intimidate me with his intelligence, and I was a little scared by how my body reacted in his presence. But I was beginning to wonder whether I should give some consideration to what Nate had said. Was I attracted to Elijah in that way? Sure he was cute, and yes, I would always get this annoying urge to reach over and touch him, and yes three times now he had given me a boner (I successfully managed to hide it yesterday when he hugged me on my bed), but would I really want to go out with him? To kiss him? To have sex with him?

My sexuality was something that had been playing on my mind recently. I wasn't gay. I was certain of that. But I hadn't ruled out being bi-sexual. I'd lost my virginity at the age of 14. It was awkward and embarrassing, and I never saw the girl again. Then I had a sort of thing with another girl last year. It wasn't really a relationship, more just someone to release some tension with. We had sex about 5 or 6 times then she stopped calling. I wasn't particularly bothered. But I was definitely attracted to her and her body, so I wasn't gay. But then recently, while jacking off to some porn, I began to notice that my eye would wander over to the guy just as much as the girl. But wasn't that normal? Wasn't that just part of me imagining myself in the position of that man?

But all that didn't matter. Because I liked girls. And as long as I liked girls, I could still live a normal life, with a wife and children, right?

Just the thought made me shiver. I wasn't even sure that was what I wanted. But I was too young to have to worry about all that.

But the bottom line was, even if I did have some sort of feelings for Elijah, I wasn't going to act on them. I didn't need that added stress in my life. I would never be able to show my face at The Pit if I was dating a boy. I wouldn't make it out alive!

I think I just needed some time away from him. I just needed to get this project done and out of the way, and then there wasn't really a reason why I would need to talk to him again.

But I wanted to talk to him. And I wanted to spend time with him.

"ARRGHHHH!" I cried out, making a dog bark in the garden of the house I was passing.

Why does it have to be so complicated?!

Unsurprisingly, I was in a foul mood when I got to school.

"Hey, Stone, have you got a smoke?" Jonas asked as he stepped alongside me.

I patted my pockets, then stopped in my tracks.

"Shit, no, I don't have any." I stood there thinking where I could have put them, when I realised I hadn't had one for a few days now. I made a mental note to pick up another pack on my way home.

"Fuck!" Jonas snarled, and I could tell he was craving hard. "Do you know if any of these shitheads smoke?" he asked, gesturing at the stream of bodies heading into the school.

"He might," I said, pointing to a guy who had a severe undercut.

"Hey, shithead, you got a smoke?" he said, grabbing the lad by the arm.