Indifference (boyxboy)

35. A Boy in Love

Elijah

It felt weird to be back on school grounds. Classes were underway so it looked deserted, even though I knew that the school had around 600 pupils inside.

I tried not to think about it. I tried not to remember the feeling of pain shooting through my body. I tried not to think about the fear at Billy's face contorted in rage. I tried not to remember the feeling of absolute helplessness as Jonas held me in place.

"Deep breaths honey, in and out."

My mum's words broke me out of my transe making me realise that I was standing stock still, beginning to hyperventilate.

"If it's too difficult we can go home. Try again next week?"

"No, it's ok," I said between breaths. "I want to do this. It's not going to get any easier."

She looked at me with pride glowing in her eyes.

I quickly looked away. I didn't think I deserved that look. Truth was, that if it wasn't for a certain person, I'd probably still be cowering away at home. Honestly, I didn't want to come back to school, and would happily finish my education off at home. But I really wanted to see Ryan. And to see Ryan, I needed to come back to school. So here I was, facing my demons.

We went through the front door, something only visitors did, so straight away it felt different. I looked around the entranceway as though I were looking at it for the first time. My mum went up to the office and let them know we were here.

"Come on, apparently she's waiting for us," my mum said, gesturing towards the corridor that took us to the head's office.

I followed my mum, curious as to what this new headteacher would be like.

The door was already open, and as soon as my mum peeked her head around the door frame, I heard a woman say, "Come in, come in!"

I followed my mum into the room and was shocked to see the difference from when I was last in here.

"Mrs Williams, Elijah, I'm Mrs Roberts, please take a seat.

She gestured to a green sofa, and we both sat down while Mrs Roberts rolled her desk chair over and sat opposite us.

"How are you feeling Elijah? It's lovely to see you here."

"I'm fine, thankyou," I replied politely.

"Super, super. Now I wanted to talk to you today about your return to school. Firstly, I want you to know that this isn't about me telling you what to do. This is an open discussion and I want to make this process as easy as possible for you, and that means asking you what would make you comfortable."

She paused, as though she was expecting a response, but to be honest I was a little confused so I just stayed quiet.

"So for example," she said, obviously picking up on my uncertainty, "if you want to start with half days, that's ok, or maybe three days a week? Would that help you?"

I didn't really know what to say, but I didn't think any of these suggestions would help. It was coming into school that would be the difficult bit. Once I was here, I didn't see much point in leaving early.

"Um, thank you for the offer, but I think I'd like to just come back full time, if that's ok."

"Are you sure?" my mum quickly asked.

"Yes I'm sure," I replied firmly.

"Ok, that's really commendable," Mrs Roberts said. "So while you are here, is there anything we can do to help? If you want I can arrange for a room for you to use at break times and lunch time if you would feel more comfortable there, away from people."