A conscious state

Trauma

There is trauma in between the layers of who I am. It oozes through the cracks of my heart when I dissemble my armour to make room for love. It is in the way my character changes , the way my confident posture crumbles at the slightest acknowledgement of love in my heart. It is in the way I distance myself from people , the way I detach myself to protect this heart of mine from the disappointment that has been associated with love.

I am afraid ,no no I am terrified of what will be left of me once they have taken all that I once had to give. Maybe they have already stolen it all. There is trauma that stems from not knowing my roots ,from my mind filling in the blanks my parents family has left. There is trauma from every friendship that has shattered , every shard hidden in the memories ripping at my very being.

There is trauma from the girls I chose to love ,from hazel eyes to green , until I moved on to dark brown who had too left me on my knees. I have put on a good facade , so good that even I had begun to believe that my scars would remarkably fade. But it is a lie , for there is trauma that lives deep inside in the confines of my mind. These drugs ,they are poisen.

They destroy me as I inhale and exhale , as I convince myself that there is something inside of me that I want to kill. Maybe I want to end it all , maybe the essence of who I am is what I really want to kill.

There is trauma in my being , there is trauma as I breathe. There is trauma hidden in the place my heart lays to rest , there is trauma instilled into my head. There is trauma in every drop of pain I have ever bled. There is trauma in my soul , as it lays numb and dead.

                                -Liyah Smith