If I Knew Then

Chapter 35: Emotions

March had come and the Backstreet Boys were about to be very busy with their European tour for Backstreet's Back, so they were in Ireland for rehearsals. Things between Nick and Brian were still awkward, and Brian was trying to get Nick to talk to him. Nick only spoke to him when it was related to the group or work and it made Brian very upset especially when he saw Nick hanging out with AJ more these days. Even during rehearsals, Nick avoided him like the plague.

"How are you doing?" Brian asked when he caught Nick in the elevator of the hotel they were staying at one night in Dublin, Ireland. Nick looked particularly exhausted that day as if something had been weighing him down and he was holding it in.

"I'm fine." Nick said coldly. He was getting tired of these nightly attempts by Brian to make conversation. All he wanted to do was take a hot shower and go to bed. Brian was even more insistent today than he was usually. Nick didn't even have the energy, he was exhausted. He had even blown off Kevin, who he usually confided in. He was just so tired. All he wanted to do was sleep. He even wished he had his own room because now AJ was asking questions. It had to be bad if AJ was worrying, but Nick just put on a fake smile as he always did and pretended everything was fine. It worked for Brian. Brian was great at lying and pretending. It would work for him too.

"You don't look fine."

"I said that I'm fine, okay?" Nick hissed.

"You know you are really not a good liar, Nick. What is wrong? You don't talk to me or any of the other guys anymore. You've shut out me. You shut out Kevin this morning. You've gotten so withdrawn. Have I done something wrong? Everyone's worried about you." Brian asked, the elevator dinging. He wasn't lying, because everyone was noticing a change in Nick's behavior. He had become moody and didn't talk much, if at all. They got off and Nick sighed as he stepped out.

"I'm just tired. Okay. I'm tired. " Nick lied. Leighanne's voice echoed in his head and he shook her away. Brian was just too much for him right now.

Oh, how Nick wanted to tell him everything and lay next to him in bed...feeling his heartbeat like he used to. There were no longer peaceful nights for Nick now. He had nightmares about people discovering his secret and his friends hating him. Nightmares of things that Lou had done to him, things he'd never told anyone about and was afraid people would find out. He often wanted to tell someone about Lou, the movies that Lou had him watch, and even things he had said or tried to do. Lou had never actually touched him but he had come close a couple times. The most recent was after breakfast when Brian confronted Lou about their money those months ago. Luckily Kevin came and knocked on the door before anything had happened but Nick wondered if just a few more minutes had gone by.....

He wished there was someone else that understood. Brian almost understood at one time but he was so far in denial right now that Nick doubted he would ever come to his senses.

"I thought we were best friends. You used to tell me everything. Is it Lou? One of the guys? Is it your parents?" Brian asked, almost jogging to keep up with Nick's long strides down the hallway. Nick was almost running to get away from him. He turned around when he got to the room, sliding the room key in the slot while he faced Brian. He looked completely exhausted.

"It's none of that. Please just leave me alone. It's for the best." Nick said softly, opening the door to his and AJ's room. Brian put his hand in the doorway and stepped in front of him, blocking his way inside. Nick rolled his eyes.

"Brian, get out of the door. Leave me alone."

"No. I'm not leaving you alone. Ever. You're stuck with me." Brian snapped. He stood his ground.

"Move." Nick said again, pushing against him with his chest.

"No." Brian said, forcefully this time. Nick forced himself past and made a beeline for the bathroom.