If I Knew Then

Chapter 30: Happy Birthday Brian

"Hey birthday boy." Nick laughed sleepily as he leaned over to wake Brian a while later with a kiss. The smile slid off his face when he pulled back the lump of blankets to find Brian wasn't there. Nick got up and stretched, looking for his underwear on the floor but frowning again when he realized they weren't there either.

Where could Brian have gone in such a hurry that he grabbed the wrong underwear off the floor?

Nick chuckled at the thought as he pulled a fresh pair out of his bag. Some things were better left to his imagination.

"Brian...."

Brian and Leighanne were busily getting reacquainted a couple floors down, kissing and touching each other wherever their hands could reach. It had been some time since they were last together, a few months. Brian missed her and she missed him just as much if not more. It didn't take long for them to get hot and heavy and move things to the bed. Brian thought it would be nice to be with a woman again after fooling around with Nick for so long. Maybe a night with his girlfriend was what he needed to make sense of things.

He was very wrong.

Leighanne started undoing her blouse and Brian tried not to look nervous, but he was not hiding it well. She looked at him in confusion, but Brian was more concerned at the fact that he didn't feel an erection. He wasn't hard at all. Leighanne continued to stare. She could tell that he wasn't being himself. Something was holding Brian back but she didn't know what it could be.

"What's the matter?"

"I...uh- sorry." Brian stammered, feeling confused himself. He'd seen women naked before and it didn't bother him before, why would this start now? Then it suddenly occurred to him that he'd only been in bed with a man for the past few months, this was all Nick's fault. Nick was trying to make him forget he liked women. That had to be it, Brian mused as he went back to kissing her. He continued, determined to snap himself out of the spell Nick had put on him the past few months. Leighanne seemed to notice something was off as well because she stopped kissing this time.

"Are you sure you're okay, babe? What's wrong?" Leighanne asked. Brian felt himself getting nervous and had no answer for her. What was he supposed to say, that because she didn't have a penis, he wasn't turned on by her? He knew that would not go over well. He instead kissed her neck, listening to her orgasm and feeling guilty. How was he supposed to continue sex with his girlfriend when the physical attraction wasn't there.

"I'm fine. I guess I just had a weird dream and I'm still a little confused by the whole thing." Brian mumbled between kisses. He allowed her to undress him. This wasn't like when he had sex with Nick, it was so different. This was purely animal passion, the real feelings just weren't there. Brian hated himself for not feeling anything. He felt like a freak.

"We...can- we can stop, if you don't feel up to it tonight. I just figured since it was your birthday, you might miss me." Leighanne said, nuzzling into his neck and sighing. Brian kissed the top of her forehead.

"I'm sorry, Leigh. I do miss you. I- er...everything is just such a jumble lately and I'm still sorting it out. I've been so stressed with my surgery, the group, the lawsuit with Lou. Everything." Brian said softly. They kissed briefly again.

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about. I understand you're under stress." she said.

But was it? Brian privately wondered. He had no problems with an erection when Nick was with him. When they were together it seemed that a spark within Brian ignited and he felt the heat rise inside of his body. However, now....

Now there was nothing.

Brian knew he was in trouble. He missed Nick. He felt guilty for leaving him sleeping and being off with Leighanne. He missed the way his lips felt on his, the way his hands felt. All those times in the shower. That was nothing like this. This was all Nick's fault and Brian hated that he fell for him when he had promised himself he wouldn't. Now he knew he had to make a decision between them because this dual life couldn't continue, as long as he had feelings for both of them.