If I Knew Then

Chapter 37: Complicated

Shows came and went on the European tour and everything was still going pretty good for the guys. There weren't any issues between them or anything, and everyone was in good spirits- just everyone was getting burnt out a little bit. Brian was getting nervous because his heart surgery was coming in a few weeks. He knew that everything would be okay, but part of him felt empty somehow and he couldn't explain why. Sometimes he thought back to that dream he had months ago about Leighanne and wondered if she was really what was missing. He finally got in touch with her because their music video producers were looking for girls for their next video and he knew she would be perfect. Surprisingly she replied back, and they had been in touch by phone when they could to Nick's disappointment. They'd be on the phone for a while each night and Brian would roll his eyes at the fake gagging motions Nick would make while they talked.

"Aren't you getting a little old for that?" Brian asked one night when he got off the phone. Nick sat up in bed, reading some comic book that he'd brought along and doodling in his sketch pad.

"You're making me wanna barf with that baby talk. We never did that shit."

"We weren't dating." Brian reminded him, and Nick rolled his eyes again.

"You've been with a girl before, what's the problem? Or is it just because you're jealous?"

Nick blushed. "Hardly."

"You're a horrible liar." Brian laughed, throwing one of his pillows at him.

"No, really. I'm happy for you. I suppose you're going to go see her when we go back to LA next week to film our music video?" Nick said, half lying. He actually wasn't happy to be seeing her again and hoped Brian wouldn't bring her around. Part of him wanted to tell him about her threats but kept quiet. That was a whole other mess he didn't want to start now that things were so good between them. So Nick put up with the baby talk on the phone and the fact that he'd lost again simply to save their friendship.

Brian felt bad for lying, but it wasn't really a full lie, because he hadn't told Nick that Leighanne was going to be in the video. There was enough tension without that bit of information getting out.

"Sure, I'm going to see her." Brian smiled.

Nick looked away, a little disappointed but he knew it was bound to happen once they got back home to the states. At least Brian had someone he could rely on other than the other guys in the group...Outside of the group, Nick had nobody. When he was 18 he legally separated from his parents and moved out his things during downtime back home. He was still looking for a place but crashed on the couch at AJs apartment from time to time. When he was all by himself, it felt very lonely and he often wished he had a real friend that didn't just want to be friends because he was Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys. Being gay didn't help matters either, it wasn't like he could walk into a gay friendly place looking for friends. Nobody knew his secret and for now, he intended to keep it that way. .

"Baby, I missed you." Brian said softly as his lips touched Leighanne's. They were busily getting reacquainted back at her apartment across town.

"I missed you too. How are you feeling?"

More kisses. Brian didn't answer her. He didn't feel like discussing the upcoming surgery.

"Fine." he replied with a smile as she gave him a skeptical look.

"Okay, I'm just tired. That's all... I feel winded sometimes and my chest hurts a little bit but no more than usual. Nick asks me the same thing. I am gonna tell you the same thing. I'm fine. No need to worry."

"Brian, I know you say you're fine, but I can tell you're not fine. It's okay to not feel okay, you know? You aren't Superman. I won't think anything less of you if you feel sick." Leighanne said sweetly, kissing him. She ignored discussing Nick for now because that was the last person she wanted to talk about.