If I Knew Then

Chapter 27: More Confessions

As it neared Brian's birthday, Brian got increasingly anxious because he was still cheating on Leighanne and hadn't made his decision yet. Going over the pros and cons for the last week since he and Nick had sex didn't make things any easier, especially knowing that Nick possibly had strong feelings for him just as Leighanne did. Recording in New York for the new album was going well and he loved what he did, it was just everything else was weighing him down. Many nights he couldn't sleep and was thankful he had Nick to talk to. They lay together in bed after their recording sessions talking until they couldn't keep their eyes open anymore. Brian wished he was as comfortable with himself as Nick was and often wondered how he did it.

Oh, how wrong he was.

Nick didn't say much during these discussions, he just let Brian vent about everything and kept his own problems to himself because he didn't want to burden him with any more anxiety. He was happy that Brian had never questioned where Nick saw movies of gay people having sex, because he knew he'd freak out when he found out. AJ and Howie knew though. Not that Nick was gay, but the movies. The three of them had watched many movies at Lou's house including lesbian porn and gay porn. Something about the gay porn had stirred some thoughts up in Nick and later he realized he was not like the others. It wouldn't be until later that he discovered he was gay. Even Howie stared at the girls making out with wide eyes because none of them had seen anything like that before. Lou assured them that this all was normal behavior and told them not to tell anyone what they'd seen. They all agreed, and everything went on as usual...well except for Nick being curious. He'd asked questions when the other boys weren't around because he was so curious. His curiosity lead to discovery and pursuing his feelings for his best friend. He was even more thrilled to find out that Brian had his own secret waiting to be discovered.

While Nick appeared comfortable with himself to Brian, he was in fact anything but. Every time he was home he would be reminded by his parents how he could never come out to them because they would not accept him, or at least he knew his father wouldn't. His dad was not the loving father type, he had an anger problem. He was an alcoholic and often yelled at his mother, or the children. His mom was not much better, but she tried to take the kids to their auditions and manage Aaron's career when she wasn't being an alcoholic herself. His siblings would often beg him to stay home because their parents were civil when Nick was around. When he wasn't there they'd fight over money, or the kids. Nick hoped that when the group hit the big time he could buy his family a big house and they'd never have to fight over money. His home was very dysfunctional and he would give anything to have a family like Brian did. Brian's parents seemed so much nicer and understanding even though Brian himself had said how religious they were. So Nick would often convince Brian it was okay to tell someone that he too felt different even though he wouldn't. Somehow he felt that if either of them could do it, it would be him. It was kind of stupid but he hoped that if he saw Brian be okay with himself he would be able to do it too.

"Nick, are you all right?"

Nick was surprised to see Brian awake.

"Um...yeah. I was just thinking." Nick said, shifting and making himself more comfortable.

"Anything you want to talk about? I'm sorry I was kind of a motormouth tonight. I didn't ask you if you wanted to talk too." Brian apologized, nuzzling his head into Nick's chest where they slept. Nick smiled down at him, playing with his hair. Since they started fooling around they were sleeping in one bed, often waking up to one spooning the other, cuddling until the sun came up. The two of them had gotten very comfortable and Nick liked having that comfort available to him every night. He almost preferred this more than being intimate with Brian, and Brian seemed to enjoy it just as much. Not that the sex was bad...but this was pretty good too.