Burning love

Chapter 5

The following weeks, there was a huge change that Kris had observed in himself, and he wasn't quite sure if he liked it or not. One thing was certain; he felt more excited. Everything he did felt alive with a burst of energy, and even Jana was surprised. She'd asked him more than once if he was okay, and he'd only given her a winning smile. He also felt the need to try more with her, to see if he was truly confused. But it was plain as day; she wasn't for him. Still, he put in extra effort like an unconscious way of making up for what he was feeling. He bought her flowers more often, complimented her without reason and answered her calls more often. He tried to be this perfect boyfriend. And on the same hand, he tried the same with Sam. Though this side was more heartfelt, he felt some unease. Yet somehow, Sam didn't seem to mind.
Kris's head sped in circles, constantly battling. He was losing. He knew what it all meant, and carrying on for Jana proved more mentally exhausting than ever. His one solace was meeting with Sam at school, and on weekends when he wasn't with Jana.
This morning was one of those. He had eagerly gone to school to meet up with Sam early as he usually did, and his heart raced as it always did.
It was the best part of waking up. The mornings were nice and private, and today was foggy. It was wet outside, and as he approached the school, he saw Sam smiling shyly by a bench. Kris sat down beside him and smiled.
The field was empty, except for a few sluggish people walked by, barely paying attention. If they had paid attention, they might of noticed the way Kris and Sam looked at each other intently, or how close they were. 
"How did you sleep?" Kris asked lightly.
"Good," Sam said. He was now oddly shy.
"This weekend was crazy," Kris laughed. "Me and Jana went shopping, ugh."
"How's that's crazy?"
"It was for 6 hours."
Sam laughed.
"Would you spent 6 hours with me shopping?" Sam wondered if he was being too obvious. He did need new clothes, though.
"Maybe," Kris mused. "What are you doing this weekend?"
Sam always marvelled at Kris's sudden openness. Of course he loved it, but he couldn't help but wonder what brought this on. He had been so different before.
They made plans and headed to class, all the while Kris was imagining the next time he'd see him again.
****
The week flew by, and by the time it was Friday, Sam had rearranged his closet multiple times. He decided to go with a soft green sweater and jeans, and then did his hair. He and Kris were close, but they'd never hung out anywhere besides their houses. This felt different, intimate somehow. Like an actual date. The only problem was they couldn't hold hands or anything at the mall, and that made Sam sigh.
The day passed smoothly. And as promised, Sam did take 6 hours to complete his extensive shopping trip, but Kris enjoyed every moment, happy to be spending time with Sam. They walked toward the food court, ready to eat.
And that's when Kris went pale. The room started to spin, and he had one thought. No. This couldn't be happening. Not right now. Why?
It took Sam a few more moments to realize. Because there, sitting near the very edge of the food court was Jana.
She was sitting with one of her close friends Kris recognized, Margo. He'd cancelled on her to meet with Sam and now he found her here. Not to mention Margo had never been fond of him either. He breathed and begun to turn around until he heard a shrill voice.
"Is that Kris?" Margo's screechy voice called out. Kris turned dead in his tracks and looked to them. He slowly walked up, Sam trailing him like a puppy.
Margo laughed as she did and then looked to Jana. She didn't look mad as usual, but she did look confused. Maybe she hadn't seen Sam yet. As he came into view, her lips turned down.
"Why are you here?" She sniffed.
"Shopping spree!" Sam said, unhelpfully. Kris focused his energy on being calm.
Margo looked pleased, forcing her lips back into their hard line. "Jana said you cancelled."
Kris shifted uncomfortably, and tried to look Jana in the eyes.
"Babe..." kris tried. "You take so long to shop. I-I just wanted to relax."
"You don't like spending time with me?" Jana's eyes popped. She looked hurt, but Kris knew very well how that hurt could quickly become anger.
He went to touch her shoulder, but she turned away. "Have fun with Sam." She said stiffly. The way her tone suggested sam did not sound right.
"Spending time with some dude instead of your own girlfriend? Ouch." Margo quipped.
Kris rolled his eyes. "Stay out of it."
"If I hadn't come with her, she'd be stuck at home, alone."
"And I would've missed seasons 4's collection." Jana sniffed. She got up from her table, linking arms with Jana as they walked away. Kris sighed. So much for being a perfect boyfriend.
Sam didn't realize what had just occurred; he was pleased that him and Kris were all alone again. Perhaps it was his joy at this event, that he didn't read the tension in the air well.
"Where are we going first?" His happiness was unconcealed.
Kris looked up in disbelief. "I ditched my girlfriend for you." He said quietly. He meant to sound irritated, but his words only held warmth.
He tried again. "Jana is pissed."
"She looked fine to me."
Kris started walking. "You don't know her...she'll remember this. And then the next time I do something, she'll keep this memory locked up until she can use it against me."
Sam thought that sounded horrible, and for the hundredth time wondered why he was still with her.
"I made my girlfriend unhappy when I've been trying all week...I- I can't do this." Kris felt he had failed the test he'd put himself up to. If he just kept both parties happy, then he could be in the middle, and best of all he didn't have to do anything, or make a decision. He could have a heavenly place in the middle, he just had to play his cards right. What happened today made all his effort crash and burn.
Sam didn't think it was a big deal. "It's fine. You'll make it up to her later. In the mean time...you can make it up to me."
They sat by the chairs, and kris took a seat, his head in his hands. He wasn't ready to be out. He wasn't ready to say it in his head, let alone out loud.
"Listen, since they're both still here, maybe we could go to my house?"
The suggestion was simple, yet made Kris' insides squirm. "No. I can't. This can't be a thing anymore." He worked hard on remaining silent, as the food court was now swimming with people. He kept his distance, and refused to look Sam in the eye.
Sam's brows pulled together. "A 'thing'?"
He gestured between them, then mentally smacked himself. This looked suspicious now. "Us. It's not a thing."
"I didn't say it was." Sam's mood was now sour, and he was determined not to cave.
"Good. I don't want this." His words were subtle, but it hit Sam hard.
"What?"
"You heard me."
"Like, at all?"
Sam's expression was disbelieving. Kris tried to shake the apologetic look on his face, but couldn't. His mind flashed through all their times, how they kissed. And then to the present, of Sam's cardigan and shocked face. He tried to visualize them saying goodbye, but it wouldn't come. He had to do it. This could not be a thing anymore.
With much less pleasure, he pictured his mother's disproving face, and then Jana. All the things he liked about her, or the thing he had liked. Yet, it still seemed surprisingly shallow. Like sam was a deep pool of emotion, and Jana was a drop.
Kris slowly nodded his head.
"Friends it is." Sam didn't look satisfied in this development. But he knew how they would end up-like they had before. Kris knew this too.
"No friends. Just done." His words cut through the air like a blade.
"Just done." Sam repeated. His heart skipped a beat for a moment- this meant that they had something before. This meant it had been real. But now it was over. Before it even began.
"You can't stay away from me," Sam said boastfully. He tried to make it sound nonchalant, but it held truth. And a challenge. He regretted it the second it escaped his lips. Because now, Kris would hold up to the challenge.
Instead of anger, or irritation, kris just felt empty. He knew it was true. And yet. "I can't. But I have to. Leave me alone."
Sam began to protest but Kris cut in again. "I'm serious. Don't come around anymore."
Sam swallowed hard. "This is because of Jana."
"This is because of everything. Everyone. I-I'm not gay."
Sam had never heard Kris stutter, and has also never heard Kris lie. How did he not know? What was there to not be sure of? He had gotten a hand job from him and liked it. That wasn't gay? They'd kissed, and Kris had felt something, he knew it. So why was he just carrying on like nothing? This was big, and he had to accept it. But if he wanted it like this, so be it. He couldn't make Kris come out. Though, at this moment he wanted nothing more.
"Whatever helps you sleep at night," Sam says coldly. "It's fine. I can't be with someone that's a pussy anyways."
Sam said this loud, loud enough that a few people looked for a split second. It didn't bother him; but he knew it bothered Kris. He smiled, satisfied for a moment, and left. He looked back and Kris looked hurt. So be it. He wanted this. Sam went home, but Kris' hurt face echoed in his mind, an image that didn't go away.
****
Kris came home, tired, exhausted and feeling defeated.
He thought this would be a weight off his shoulders; that getting rid of Sam in his life would make him forget everything. Would make him back to focusing on school and Jana. And being a better son.
The second he got home, he knew it was wrong. He felt something in the pit of his chest, a burn for something. Or someone. When Jana called, he declined it anyways. He knew he was supposed to be model boyfriend from now on, but he was exhausted. He'd never felt this way with Sam.
Jana became a burden in his mind, a plague to avoid or pretend for. The thought of doing it for so long made him sigh. This wasn't what he wanted. What had Sam done to change him? The past 17 years of his life, this had never bothered him before. He was content with listening to Jana's complaining, and content with life. Now he felt empty. Like life was boring, and he himself had done this. He had destroyed the thing he hadn't realized he was missing.
It was as if everything Jana had done had been the opposite of what he wanted. He couldn't shake the feeling, and only texted her now. He apologized profusely, until she began to flirt and then he knew it was over. She'd probably send him some apology pics of her in only her bra, but he didn't care. He'd say she was gorgeous, but he didn't feel the way he should. Kris was lying on his bed, deeper in thought that he'd ever remembered. Jana was fine now. Did he need to end whatever the thing was with Sam? Did it have to mean anything? Couldn't they just be?
He felt his phone burning in his hand, desperate to text Sam. But he didn't. It didn't matter now; Sam was mad. And he had told him to leave him alone. He had been right fo course; Kris couldn't stay away. But he was also stubborn, so he let the feeling bun on, his fingers immobile.
He breathed in deep, and then deleted Sam's contact name and number. That was it. He didn't even think what he'd done until it was all gone. A tear slipped and then he wiped it away quick. He's gone. Leave him be.
He went to his photos to clear the many pics they'd taken; possibly more than he had of Jana. They were all smiling, together, or bad photos of Sam that Kris had laughed at before. He selected the lot of them and deleted them with haste. Over.
Two photos remained; his favourites. One of them was at school, their hands pressed together. It was a nice photo with great morning light. He might of posted it if they were a normal couple. The other one was one taken by Sam.
The night of his birthday, when he had been asleep, Sam had snapped a photo of Kris on Sam's shoulder. Sam had sent it to Kris later, and the warmth and emotion in Sam's face made Kris' cheeks heat up. He smiled, and then pain returned. Why could he never make it right?
He decided to delete them too. It was too painful. But first...
He went to his door and locked it, and headed to bed. Under the covers, he reached into his pants and stared into the photo of Sam. He needed release, and most importantly, he needed to have closure. He thought this would be the best way.
****
Sam wasn't sad at first. He was angry.
This was like falling for a straight guy, but worse. Worse because he couldn't of known any better. With a straight guy, you know they're straight. You accept it, and they test you out. When they break up with you, you know it was your fault because everyone tells you not to mess with a straight guy, and truthfully, you know It'd never work.
This is different. Because there is so much hope. It could work, if only Kris would let it. He was gay, whether he liked it or not, and he clearly liked Sam. Sam had slowly fallen for Kris since he knew they could be together so why worry? And Jana had just been a little hick in the road, one that could be easily avoided.
Or so he thought.
And now look at him; alone and angry. He was not going to cry, not over someone who didn't even know who they were. He had hoped though, that he could convince him to see it. It hadn't worked though.
He was staring intently at Kris' contact, contemplating. He didn't even notice when Lizzie came in.
"What you doing?" She asked, swinging on the doorframe.
He was startled. "Nothing," He muttered.
"You look mad."
Sam nodded. And then thought, why not tell her? She already probably knew, and he didn't care if his parents found out. He wasn't going to hide like a child. Like Kris.
"Remember when you said you thought I was gay?" Sam said, humour faintly in his voice.
She nodded.
"Why'd you think that?"
"You dress like that," she said, pointing at his cardigan. That was a fair point. "And also I can't imagine a girlfriend for you." She giggled.
Sam nodded. "Can you keep a secret?"
She nodded, eyes aglow with curiosity. She closed the door and sat on his bed, up close.
"Do you imagine a boyfriend for me?"
She scrunched up her nose. "No. Who would like you?"
Sam laughed, a change from his anger. "Well I almost had one."
She squealed. Sam held up his pink with a stern tone and said, "Pinky promise this stays a secret?"
Lizzie agreed profusely, then linked pinkies with Sam. They held each other for a moment.
"There was this boy, and we started hanging out. I thought we were going to be together." Sam's tone was sour by the end, and he worked to keep it light.
"He didn't like you?"
"I think he did. He was just scared."
Lizzie nodded knowingly. "Just like Jake. He's in my grade and everyone knows he likes me. But he won't say it."
"It was more like he told me he liked me, but didn't want to tell everyone else."
"Why?"
Sam stumbled over what to say. "Not everyone is like me. And I guess he doesn't want people to think of him like that."
"So what did you do?"
"Me? Nothing."
"But you're mad now."
Sam smiled. "He decided to break up with me, when he didn't have to."
"So what are you going to do?" Lizzie's questions were very pointed, and held only curiosity.
Sam was at a loss. What was he going to do?
Lizzie lost interest after a moment and then headed to the door. So that was it. He wished his parents would be that easy, but at the same time, he wasn't scared to find out.
"Was that who you were with when you left at night?" Lizzie whispered.
Sam nodded.
"Not a girl?"
Sam shook his head.
"Be happy. I saved your ass." Lizzie giggled and bolted.
"Watch your mouth!" Sam yelled, and then got up to chase her down the hall. When he came back, he saw his phone alight with a text. His heart skipped a beat, and the he thought with pride, he had been right. Kris couldn't stay away from him, and they could get past this. He sat on the bed and smiled.
His heart deflated when he saw an unfamiliar number instead of Kris'. He sighed and opened the text.
You're gay, right?
It was an unknown number, but what did he have to lose? Maybe it was a straight guy, and in that case, another fling.
Yes, why?
You were hanging out with Kris the other day.
Sam paused. No matter what, he can't out Kris.
Yea, he's my friend.
Just friends?
Of course. He has a girlfriend.
He spends a lot of time with you.
Who are you?
A friend.
Of me or Kris?
Of Jana.
One person came to mind and he hurried with the next text.
Is this Margo?
There was a long moment of no response.
Yes. I'm just looking out for her. She's my best friend.
We're not really friends anymore, so don't worry.
Why?
He decided to focus on Jana. Just like you want. It's fine.
So he cut off his friend?
Sam was at a loss. What was Margo's point? She was looking out for Jana, but him and Kris weren't talking anymore. Jana was safe, and no way Kris would come out now. Everything was fine. No one knew expect me and Kris, and maybe now Jana. But Sam was too tired to care what it meant.
What's your deal?
Jana's a good person. Kris doesn't see her the way I do. He doesn't see the smart, strong person I do. And he doesn't appreciate her like she should be. If he doesn't want her, he should just leave.
Sam wholeheartedly agreed with this, and for once was happy someone was on his side. But why did Margo care? She sounded so tender when talking about Jana, as if...
Would you want them to break up?
A long pause.
If it's the best for Jana. I don't want her hurt.
Why do you care so much?
You clearly don't have experience with friends.
Sounds like more than friendship to me.
The second Sam said it, the clarity hit him. The way Margo had been quick to call out Kris and had a pleased expression on her face when Jana left with her. He smiled when she didn't answer.
You don't like Kris, do you?
Nope.
I don't like Jana.
He hoped Margo was getting what he was saying. He tried to make himself clear, all without outing Kris. It was a tricky game. He subconsciously knew he still cared about Kris, otherwise why would he keep his secret?
They don't belong together, She said finally.
We belong with them, Sam added silently.
Were you and Kris a thing?
Sam paused. His heart fluttered, and all he wanted to say was yes. Just to confirm their feelings, just to validate their 'thing.' But he couldn't. He felt his heart drop, and thought of an appropriate answer. Despite what he was learning about Margo, she still might be out to get them. He didn't know if he could trust her.
I liked him if that's what you're asking. I don't know about him.
He did spent a lot of time with you.
Sam decided to be blunt.
Do you like Jana?
Of course. She's been my best friend since like 5th grade.
You know what I mean.
I don't actually.
We can help each other out.
How?
You'll see. Wanna meet up soon?
Monday after school. Don't be late.
Sam looked up, satisfied. A vague bit of a plan was forming in his mind; it was foggy but he knew what he had to do.