Burning love

Chapter 10

Jana was clearly not herself.
Margo had noticed it at the beginning, and had told herself all she needed was time. She'd seen Jana in breakups before, but never as bad as this. Jana missed classes, and didn't bother to put on makeup or an outfit. She was quiet, and barely spoke, unless spoken to. When season 5 of her favourite show came out, she hadn't watched it, and when Margo offered, she declined it to do homework. Something had to be done.
Margo was worried, and she'd even went to her house. Jana pretended she wasn't home, and her parents told her not to worry, it would pass. But it continued to get worse. Now, Margo had expected the tears, and the anger maybe. But the strange eeriness she had was something different. She didn't talk or feel the same, and it worried Jana. One day, she'd had enough. She had to get Jana out of the house.
It was one thing to be sad and moping, but slacking in school? She knew how important university was for Jana, and went up to her after class. Jana didn't talk much these days, so she tried her best to be upbeat.
"Hey girl!" Margo said, then cringed. This wasn't their usual role; it was usually Jana the upbeat one, and Margo the sulking or sarcastic one. This shift in roles was uncomfortable and strange.
Jana nodded in acknowledgement, and walked to her car.
"Hey wait! Want to come over?" Margo's words were slurred and fast, and Jana looked up, interested.
"I'll pass. I'm busy."
"Doing what?"
"Homework."
"Come on, that's not fun! You need to get out of the house."
"I'm fine, really. Ive had breakups before."
"So you're just going to mope? I doubt Kris is doing that."
Jana's head snapped up, and Margo knew it was too soon. But still, she looked in her eyes defiantly.
She was silent, but followed Margo to her car.
To ride to her house was silent, and the movie night was just as silent. They watched it silently, and Margo wondered if Jana was being silent for her benefit, or genuinely was not enjoying the show. She decided a pep talk was needed at the end of episode 10, when Jana was getting ready to go. It was only 8 pm; also unusual for her.
"So you're really going to be like this now?"
Jana was silent, as Margo was slowly growing accustomed to.
"Come on. Let's go out," Margo said playfully, and hoped it didn't sound like how she meant it. Jana sighed.
"You need to get out of this funk eventually, you know. I mean here you are, crying and upset...and Kris is probably out there getting some dick. Do better."
She knew the instant she said it, and groaned internally. In the midst of her rant, she had outed Kris. She hoped Jana hadn't paid attention, or thought it was a joke. But she didn't. She watched as realization dawned on her, and finally something more than boredom or sadness was on her face.
"What did you say?"
Margo mumbled away, but Jana had already heard.
"Is it true?"
Margo wanted to say no...but who was she loyal to anyways? She had already spilled it, so she nodded her head solemnly.
"He's..."
"He's gay, Jana."
Jana had a strange look on her face. "How long did you know?"
Margo looked away, but she couldn't lie to Jana. "Not that long..."
"Did he tell you?"
"His..." she paused, looking for a right way to say this. She didn't find it. "His boyfriend told me."
Her eyes seemed to bug out of her head and she took this in. "Who's his boyfriend?"
"I shouldn't tell you...It's not my place." Jana tried to stand firm on this, but what loyalty did she really have to them?
"I'm your best friend, come on. And he is a cheater."
"If I tell you this, you promise not to be mad about the other thing I tell you?"
She nodded quickly.
"Sam."
Jana seemed to vibrate for a moment with intensity. Jana hoped it wasn't the bad kind.
"I knew it!"
Jana nodded. "And another thing...that photo with the girl?"
Jana looked at her and with full confidence said, "It's fake isn't it? Sam probably took it. To save his little boyfriend." She said the word like a curse, and the venom surprised her.
Margo nodded, and in that instant she didn't defend sam. He was probably nice, but she wasn't going to throw herself under the bus for this. She sat in silence.
Jana looked her in the eye, taking this in. "So he's a fag."
Margo winced. "You can't say that."
"Who cares? There's no one around. It's not my fault they're weird."
Margo had never dealt with homophobia; when she came out to her parents, they were surprisingly easy on her. They didn't talk about hell, or anything negative. Her dad had simply nodded and went back to the tv, and her mom had told her about her various fazes in high school. Her parents routinely bought her rainbow colored stuff that she hid, and once went to pride. She never felt unaccepted, or even different. She knew the people at school would probably be different...but Jana? They had known each other for as long as she could remember. She felt her heart beat unsteadily, but knew she had to say something. This was non negotiable.
"They're not weird, Jana."
Jana rolled her eyes, clearly not understanding the desperate tone in her voice. Margo wanted more than anything for her to understand, because what she was about to say would not make it easy.
"Come on, relax. It's just me. You're not a fag are you?" She laughed lightly. Margo briefly wondered if she was being sarcastic, but Jana laughed just the same. Was she serious? Was this just because of the breakup? Margo felt a strong sense of unease throughout her body. But that didn't stop her.
"I am, actually."
Jana looked at her for a moment, and then burst into laughter. She was wiping her eyes like this was some hilarious joke. Margo sat there, dumbfounded and waited for her to stop.
"I'm serious, Jana."
Jana looked at her deeply. Her gaze was deep an for a second Margo's heart lurched. She looked away, but when her gaze came back, Jana was still looking at her. Not in judgment or confusion, but some strong emotion she couldn't tell. And suddenly the room spun. Jana's perfume swirled around her as she leaned into Margo. They were close enough to kiss, and every indicator was that this was where it was going. Jana hesitated, and Margo leaned in to close the gap. But she was met with air as Jana pulled away in shock.
"You tried to kiss me!" She screeched. Margo flew back as she'd been slapped. Jana's eyes were shocked, and she had an almost delirious look to them. Margo sighed and tried to explain herself.
"You leaned in."
"So! I was joking! As if!"
The words stung, and at that moment tears threatened. She never knew Jana to be cruel, so this was a new feel. Actually, shed never know Jana to be cruel to her. And this distinction hurt more since she knew she was on the outside. She felt cold for the first time that night and realized with painful clarity that this would never happen. She had sacrificed years of friendship, and this was the outcome.
"You can leave now." Jana looked around in surprise, and then a look that Jana couldn't place. She pranced out of her room, and when the door shut the tears came. She briefly said remembered she had outed Kris to Jana, and didn't know how she would feel about it. But she didn't care anymore. Whatever remains of their friendship were would have to be repaired from Jana's side and not hers. She waited for her sadness to turn to anger.
****
Jana had been revived.
Her energy over the last two weeks had been dead and barely there. She had felt hollow inside, and the world seemed somehow glum. It wasn't just that she had loved Kris; she had spent the bigger part of her life with him, and he had become a stable figure in her life. They had grown up with each other, confided in each other, and he had been as unmoving as a stone. Just as she saw her parents every day, Kris was permanent. Until he wans't. He had been uprooted from her life, and even though she got the last word, she felt as though she had gotten the short end of the stick. He got to be with his dream guy, and she was left heartbroken and cheated on. It had boggled her mind that he had somehow found someone better than her. And a guy, for that matter.
Simply put, she had given up, and the life from her was boring. Everything seemed small, and even though she tried to focus on school, or Margo, she ended up repeating a cycle of thoughts revolving Kris. Why had he cheated? How could she not tell he was gay?
But now, she felt as though her whole mind had awakened. She had been asleep, just drifting by, and now she was grounded with a purpose. She needed a push, something to captivate her and this was it. The energy returned to her body.
She briefly thought about Margo and then scratched it out of her head. She wasn't gay, was she? Or was it one of those phases? And if she was gay, could they still be friends?
Now that she analyzed it, it didn't seem that strange that Margo was like this. There hadn't been clear signs, but there were little things that she had noticed then and again and she hadn't connected it to anything. Like her lack of a boyfriend all these years, or even want of one. Whenever they spoke about boys, it was Jana talking. Margo never had any interest in them, and called them weird and unfunny to this day.
And sometimes, in the quiet of the night, when they had slept over or when it was just them, there was this look. When they held hands, or cuddled, or touched. Or just every now and again. This look that seemed more than of friendship. The sincerity and admiration in her eyes had always surprised Jana. She was now confused more than ever...could they be friends?
The clarity of her thoughts was surprising, since usually she tired to zone them out to avoid the cycle of Kris. And then the anger boiled, tempting to slip over. She knew how she felt more than ever.
She had been with him for so long, and everyone wanted to be them. They were truthfully the dream couple, and they matched. And she loved him, above all. She had thought that Kris had loved her too but apparently not. The anger bubbled once again, and she didn't suppress it. And instead of breaking up with her and telling her straight up, he chose to hurt her this way. He had lied, cheated, and was now happily prancing about with sam. And the school would see them, and think nothing of it. It wasn't;t fair. Btu when they saw Jana, they would feel pity. Why did they get to have all the love and glory?
She pushed her feet hard, going in the direction she knew well. It was easy to tune out things as she focused on the plan. Soon Kris' house was in sight.
She snooped in the bushes, picking up a rock laying there. She threw it at Kris' window, and seemed disappointed that it didn't break it. She screamed and raged but he didn't come out, and she started to throw more rocks. Just then, the door opened and she was prepared to launch herself at him.
Instead, his mom walked out, and she felt a burn of shame.
"What in God's name are you doing out here?" She called from the porch.
"I-Is Kris home?"
She shook her head. "He's at Sam's."
Pain hit her deeper in her chest as she realized with a pang that his mom knew. She felt oddly discarded, as though she had expected her on her side.
"You're okay with...?" She didn't finish. She sounded desperate even in her own ears.
"It's going to take some getting used to." She came closer to Jana, and put her arm on her shoulder. "Listen, you're a nice girl. But you need to let him go. I don't want to see you back here, Jana."
She said this with sternness, and Jana couldn't help but feel like she had just lost her respect. She nodded silently and jogged away.
But the words never fully hit her. How could she just let them go? How was that fair? She ran with new purpose. She had to think this through. Kris was not getting off the hook like this, because apparently everyone had accepted it but her. As the new plan formulated in her mind, she ran home fresh with the idea.