Burning love

Chapter 9

Kris began to feel at home with Sam and his family.
He stayed with them for a week, and surprisingly, his mom didn't call. So she did know. She knew he was gay and had decided it was fine to not know where her son was. She didn't car anymore. Kris felt disowned, and tried to come to terms with it. He couldn't stay with them forever. Eventually they would get sick of him, or call his parents, or worse, find out he was gay.
He had told them he was failing a course, and his mother had kicked him out until he picked up his grades. They believed that with ease, and assured comfort at their home. What they didn't say was how long he could stay, but he knew this vacation with Sam had to end sometime, and the nightmare had to begin.
He dreaded the moment he had to talk to his mother. But he knew it would come, and this would end. He didn't know how to feel; but clearly there was no way to go but forward.
After the first week's end, he felt more comfortable with them than ever before. I mean, that's what happens when you see them daily, eat with them, and sleep under their roof. A strange bond is formed, one that is delicate but also sincere. But delicate still. He knew that they were growing tired of him. He was curious why; he was always polite, and never asked them of anything more than necessary. But he supposed, having a stranger in their house did cause a strain. One they were too polite too admit upfront. The strain was present however, when Sam's father spoke up at dinner one day.
"Kris," He began. Sam's father wasn't the gruff type; not the type Kris imagined his own father to be. Sam's father was short, only barely taller than his mother. He was always clean shaven, and seemed on the thinner side. His eyes were dark and kind, and the set of his jaw was feminine. If he had to come out to anyone, Sam's father gave the air of acceptance. But then again, you never could truly know a person.
"Isn't your mother...worried?" He asked.
Kris thought for a bit. Probably not, she was probably happy to be rid of him, to think it through. She would call when she was ready. But Sam's father looked at him expectantly, with a hint of urgency. "I don't think so."
"But...you've been gone over a week." He looked at Sam as he pictured the thought.
"She's more disappointed than anything." This had been true all his life.
"She has to come around some time, doesn't she?"
Kris tired to smile sincerely. In reality he wasn't sure. "She hasn't called me yet. I'll go home soon, since we need to talk anyways."
The tension seemed to ease with the thought of Kris' departure, and once again the air was fluffy and light. Sam's mother, who had chestnut brown hair and a winning smile, offered more food than Kris could stomach. Still, he ate it all. His mother had always fed him of course, but there was something about the warmth and sincerity of Sam's mother that set her apart. He ate everything.
Later, him and Sam went for a walk.
There was something strangely more intimate than anything they'd ever done; staying with him. Kris thought it wouldn't change much; they'd probably get sick of seeing each other all the time. But instead, it made Kris all the more curious. Seeing such an intimate part of his life-his family. Spending time with Lizzie, and his parents, made him feel apart of his family. It gave their relationship a new meaning, and it weighed on everything.
The intimacy of simply sleeping beside Sam was strange. A fire lit every night while he lay curled against Sam. Sam never seemed to notice, and slept soundly. However, Kris was up all night, imagining what ifs. Picturing futures that weren't guaranteed, and picturing this way of life continuing. What if every day was life this? Minus the family, of course. Waking up with him, eating with him, seeing him daily. Doing little things, like this walk. Kris seemed to walk with a pep in his step.
"What's up with you?" Sam asked playfully. They held hands, in the dark of the night. Kris felt his hand burn where Sam had touched, a strange electricity he'd never felt free to feel before. He thought of Jana briefly, and then pushed her away. There was no guilt now. It was over.
"I'm just thinking," he said lightly. "Life is pretty nice right now."
Sam nodded thoughtfully. "Living at my house rent free."
"Fucking you freely." Kris said.
"You haven't done everything yet."
"I'm about to," Kris smiled mischievously.
Sam gasped. "Are you okay?"
Kris giggled, which was surprising since he'd never done that before. "Ever since me and Jana broke up, I've felt so free...I can say what I want."
Sam smiled. "Glad you're happy."
"And that's the weird thing... I am. I thought Jana would make me feel guilty, but its okay now."
"It wasn't your fault."
Kris nodded. "Yes, and-"
Then he paused. What? It wasn't his fault? How did Sam know that?
"It's not my fault?" Kris asked quizzically. They walked down the street, and Sam didn't watch the tension in Kris' face.
"No," Sam laughed. "It's not your fault, Margo took that picture. And that girl was insane."
A long silence passed between.
"Babe...what's wrong?" Sam asked. He tried to touch Kris' shoulder.
"How do you know Margo took the picture?"
"You said so."
"No, I didn't."
Sam looked nervous. Did Kris find out how he had been involved? Had he just exposed himself? He tried to hide it, but he was shaking. Not now, when things had just begun to be perfect.
And then Kris' eyes lit up. "You saw Margo?"
"Yes.." Sam couldn't see where this was going.
"I knew it! I told Jana it was her! She didn't believe me!" He called pridefully.
Same smiled, but still confused.
"We need to tell Jana. She can't be friends with her. She's crazy!"
Sam shook his head profusely. "She won't believe you."
"Of course not, that's where you come in."
"That would out you. Why else would you be in the forest alone with me?"
Kris' excited expression died down. "Oh," Was all he said.
They walked the rest of the way in silence.
"You should let her go," Sam said gently. "I'm here now."
Kris sighed. "I know...It just wasn't meant to be."
"But we are." The words slipped Sam's mouth quickly and uneven. He breathed hard as he waited for a reaction.
"The moon is beautiful." Kris said instead. It was dark outside, and they hadn't passed a single person the whole time. As they walked further, the houses grew wider and wider apart, and more secluded. The light of the moon rained upon them, bathing them in a light glow. Sam's dark hair was made black as night, and Kris' blonde was ghostly pale. They seemed like exact opposites in that moment, yet made a whole. Sam looked up at the moon beaming above them.
"It's like a movie scene."
"Where the guy gets the girl...or in our case guy gets the guy." Kris chucked.
"And then they pull each other close," Sam said, reaching for Kris. They collided, their bodies pressed lightly against each other.
"And kiss," Kris said planting a wet kiss on Sam's cheek. This pushed them over the edge, and they were a mess once again, a mess of tongue and hands. The light shone brightly, illuminating them for all to see. Btu there was no one, and if there had been, they wouldn't of stopped.
Sam pulled away first. And he looked deep into Kris' eyes. He felt a strange pull on his heart, and all of sudden the world was simple and clear. This was it. This was who he wanted to be, who he wanted to be with. It wasn't just pleasure, it was the thought of being with him, or giving his all. Of truly being connected. He had never felt this way before, not the strong force of inevitability. He had somehow knew Kris would come back to him no matter what. Words lay on the tip of his tongue.
"Can I tell you something?" Sam whispered. Kris leaned in close.
"I-I love..." But when Sam looked up, he was met with a curious and slightly shocked expression. It was not what he had been hoping for. Suddenly all his thoughts were shut off, and he couldn't do it. He had expected the same feeling to rise for Kris, but in his eyes he could see it wasn't the time. He held his breath.
"I love this." He finished lamely. "The moon is gorgeous."
"And so are you," Kris replied, unfazed. If he had noticed the conflicted expression or the devotion on sam's face, he didn't seem bothered.
They walked home, walking close enough that the fire burned between them. They separated when they got home, and barely made it up to the bedroom.
****
Sam was frantic. He stayed up all night, though he didn't indicate it. In the morning, he barely kissed Kris, he was so preoccupied. He held a tally in his mind. Of feelings, of thoughts, of new things discovered. He tried to convince himself daily otherwise but it was no use.
He loved kris.
He had been close to saying it the other night, and now felt a tension at all times. He felt the need to tell him, but also was reminded of how uncertain Kris could be. He tried to let the thought get out of his mind; he didn't love him. How could he? How did he know? He'd never been in love before, and he didn't know if it was right. In his mind, a silent voice told him the truth, but he pushed it down. He needed to focus on being a good boyfriend. But it was easy. He was constantly engrossed with everything Kris did it was maddening. If kris noticed it, he didn't mind.
But Sam did. How could he let himself fall so early? And did Kris feel the same? His head was swimming in circles.
After the second day of his being in his head all day, Kris had enough.
"What's wrong with you?"
"I'm tired," He lied.
"That's bullshit."
Then, more quietly, he leaned over and caressed sam's face. "What's up?"
Sam sighed. "I'm worried about...you coming out."
It was a fair point, just not a real one. He had worried about Kris coming out; would he even do it? He didn't want to pressure him, but his mom already knew. It would be like ripping off the bad aid. He just had to tell her like it was, and if she permanently kicked him out, then they'd figure it out.
"What do you mean?" Kris said, uncomfortable.
"Well you can't stay here forever. And your mom will miss you."
Kris rolled his eyes. "And?"
"She already knows," Sam reminded him, "So just talk to her at least. You can't hide forever."
Kris sighed. "I wish I could."
And then he pulled out his phone.
"I'm going to call her," Kris informed him. Sam was gaping. He had just done it like that? No fights? He knew how hard this was for him. He gently touched his hair and mouthed good luck, and then stepped outside. He didn't want to listen, but when the conversation got loud it was impossible not to overhear.
Kris was instantly yelling.
"And what? Now you care where I am?"
"What am I supposed to do about it?"
"You? It's about me not you!"
"Lots of people are gay, actually."
"You're always disappointed, so nothing new."
"But the parents are questioning your parenting, so maybe you should let me home."
After that, there was a pause and murmur of agreement between the two. Sam hoped the worst of it was over, and that his mother would let Kris home. She was his parent after all. Sam came in a few moments later, and looked in Kris' eyes questioningly.
Kristen dropped his phone into his pocket. "She's letting me back."
Sam was smiling, but found it somewhat insincere. He was of course happy that Kris could go home, and that him and his mom could finally work it out. He was also happy that Kris had come out. It made him feel secure, that there was no going back to the strange limbo that he had been before. He knew Kris was serious, and most importantly, accepting himself. But a glimmer of him wanted Kris to stay. He wanted him to be near him all the time, he wanted the relax and passion he'd felt with him staying here. It was for the best, though. They needed some kind of space, where Sam could avoid saying I love you until he was sure.
"Babe, that's so good!" Sam said cheerily.
Just then, Lizzie popped from the door; she'd been standing behind it this whole time.
"Kris is leaving?" She asked.
Kris was embarrassed. Had she heard his and his mother's conversation? Had she heard Sam just call him babe? This was risky, and all of sudden was glad to be going home, secure, unable to out anyone, including himself. He felt the allure of home grow; of privacy and quiet.
"Yes. His mom's letting him back home."
"So she accepted you?" She asked.
Kris felt his mouth slacken. She knew?
"Do you know...what-"
She interrupted. "Sam's gay. And you're his boyfriend, I know. I don't care. You look red." Lizzie scrunched up her nose, and left with some jumping steps.
Sam looked at him apolitically. "Her mouth is sealed, I promise."
Instead of being angry, he pulled Sam close. Normally he would sweat bullets at the thought of someone knowing. But his mom already knew, so what was the point? There was no damage to be made; he felt bulletproof and blissful. He wished Sam had also come out, since they could navigate this parent thing together. But he was also patient, and decided it didn't matter.
"So you're telling your sister about me now?" Kris smirked and held Sam.
Sam stumbled over his words, looking for something witty to say. Instead, he crushed his lips onto kris' and they didn't need to talk; it was just the peace of a goodbye kiss. It wasn't frenzied as his others had been; but a silent promise. Kris wanted to decipher what that promise was.
That day was melancholy for them; it had the air of something new, but also the good of the old. Kris would have to deal with his mother, and about all the problems he'd tried to escape at sam's house. But he knew their relationship was one that wouldn't change; and the strong sense of pride overtook him. He had Sam. It had turned out alright, despite the bumps in the road. He no longer worried about Jana; what had been done was finished. He still wanted to find a way to make it up to her.
He thanked Sam's parents, and Lizzie wished him luck with a twinkle in her eye. Sam suggested he walk with Kris, since he needed exercise.
They walked alongside each other in companionable silence. As they made their way near Kris' street, the memory of the moonlit night filled their minds.
"I'm going to miss you," Sam said bashfully.
Kris laughed. "We've spent all week and then some together."
"I know. It'll be weird not waking up to your morning breath."
Kris pulled Sam into a hug, one too passionate for friends. Even as they were on a street, it was almost empty save a few cars passing. He planted a kiss on sam's lips, then pulled away quickly. Sam smiled; this was progress.
"Bye. Call me." Sam said and walked away, back to his house. Kris walked up to his, bracing himself.