His Tomorrow, My Yesterday

Epilogue

Chapter 14

Trigger warning: This content contains mentions of self-harm, which may be potentially distressing or triggering for some readers. Viewer discretion is advised, and it is recommended to approach this material with sensitivity and awareness of its potential impact on emotional well-being.

***

Tama nga sila... saka lang tayo magsisisi kapag huli na ang lahat. Only then do we realize that we should have done the right thing when the situation became difficult.

We can't blame ourselves, as during challenging times, we often believe the decisions we make are right. Hindi natin masisisi ang mga sarili natin dahil ginawa lang natin ang alam natin na sa tingin natin ay tama sa mga oras na iyon.

But me?

I blame myself for Hayes' death.

He gave me signs about his pain.

He gave me signs about his burdens.

He gave me signs about his broken heart.

He gave many signs to me to not leave, but my dreams for us are blinding me to see those signs.

Kung inintindi at inuna ko ang nararamdaman niya, sana hindi nangyari ang lahat ng ito.

If only I had stayed by his side during those times, where I could have held his hand to lift him from the mud of yesterday, he might still be by my side today. I wish I could still hold his hands, feel his lips on mine.

"Kumain kana, Sioux," nanginginig ang boses na sabi ni Yllena habang hawak-hawak ang platong puno ng pagkain.

Lumuluhang tiningnan ko ang babae at inilingan. My heart still feels heavy, and I don't know how it will lighten. I know time won't heal this pain because this hurt is something I'll carry for a lifetime. Sakit na dadalhin ko sa kamatayan.

Hinawakan ni Yllena ang mukha ko at hinarap sa kanya. Her eyes are welling up with tears, brimming with pity. "Isang beses ka na lang kumakain sa isang araw tapos minsan hindi pa at kaunti..." sabi niya. "'wag mo namang lunurin ang sarili mo nang ganito. K-Kasi nasasaktan din kami kapag nakikita namin na gan'yan ang lagay mo."

It has been a month since Hayes was laid to rest. I didn't even get to see his face during the mourning because the guards wouldn't let me in. Lagi lang akong nasa labas at tinatanaw ang kabaong niya na nagbabakasakali na muling makita ang mukha niya. But I can only watch him from a distance.

Naramdaman ko ang kamay ni Yllena sa mga kamay ko at nagulat na lang ako nang bigla itong humagulgol. "Naglaslas ka na naman ba?"

I looked to where she was staring, and upon seeing the cuts on my wrists, a small smile formed. The wounds on my wrists serve as proof that I am still alive amidst the pain I feel. That cut will be my remedy for the wound I've endured. Ang mga sugat na iyon ang nagiging karamay ko sa mga gabing minumulto ako ng pagsisisi.

Yllena hugged me tightly as tears streamed down, and along with that came my confusion. Why is she crying? It's not painful, really. In fact, it feels good.

"Sioux... maawa ka naman sa sarili mo. Maawa ka naman sa katawan mo." Hinaplos niya ang ulo ko habang patuloy ang paghagulgol nito. "Ang laki nang binawas ng timbang mo."

Umalis ako sa yakap niya at tiningnan siya. "Bakit ko kakaawaan ang sarili ko, Yllena? He shouldn't have died..." Tinuro ko ang sarili. "it should have been me. I should have been the one to fulfill my promise, not him."

"It's all my fault!" sigaw ko. I covered my face with my hands and sobbed.

Yllena just let me cry into my hands, and after a few minutes, she took my hands that were covering my face. Nang magtama ang mga mata namin, tulad kanina ay awa ang sinasabi ng mga mata niya. "Maaaring kasalanan mo dahil iniwan mo siya sa oras na dapat ikaw ang kasama ka niya. It might be your fault for letting go of his hand during the times when everything was painful. Pero... hindi mo kasalanan lahat. His father is also at fault for his demise. If he had loved and not insisted on his own dreams for him, it might not have happened."