Dusk: A Handmaid's Tale Story

Chapter 11

Returning after my hospital experience was... strange to say the least. 

There hadn't been a day that had gone by where I hadn't thought of Ezra's visit. 

The way he looked so intensely at me, drinking me in, before landing on my lips. How his lips had tasted so sweet and been so soft yet firm against mine. How our lips molded so easily against each other and one of his hands had come to cup my cheek, pulling me even closer carefully. How it had felt like such a thrill when his tongue lightly swiped my bottom lip and I had all but shoved mine in his mouth. How the kiss had quickened in intensity and he had dared to tug my lip with his bottom teeth making me nearly groan out loud. 

Yeap. The thoughts alone had set my heart rate monitor speeding up a few times...

I honestly had no idea what awaited me when I returned, but it was clear things couldn't be the same between us. Our normal playful banter and tip-toed flirting had now escalated to a point that neither of us could ignore. 

Try as much as I want to avoid it, as I carefully walked up the steps to the Commander's house all I could only think about was the way Ezra's hands felt naturally around my neck and how great they would feel there again. 

My dull room was just as I had last left it before the incident. 

I was told to rest up for the day, so my body wouldn't be under more stress than necessary and possibly affect my fertility. Very thoughtful and heartfelt Gilead medical advice. 

Now sitting on my bed picturing the last time Ezra and I had just sat there, I think it really began to settle in just how risky our previous actions had been. 

What would have happened if the cameras had come back on? Or the doctor had walked back in? This was Gilead, not some high school classroom where we could crush on people with very little regard. 

The penalty for messing with a Handmaid was pretty much always, death. Would he get some kind of leniency for being the son of a Commander? Unlikely, especially when I doubted Commander Adams would do much to stop it. The penalty for me? Death maybe, but my ovaries could potentially save me. However, I know I would be punished so severely that I'd likely wish I was dead. 

What the fuck had I been thinking. 

I had been trying to survive this hell and here I was just casually jeopardizing my literal life... and another's because I was what? Lonely? Horny? 

"A penny for your thoughts?" 

Ezra. He always right around the corner. 

"You look like you're trying to burn a hole into your pillow." He said from the door, just observing. 

"What we did was ridiculously stupid you know that right?" I said thoughts of the wall by the river came to mind and the bodies that sometimes hung off it for crimes against Gilead. 

His eyes were intensely watching me still, but he hadn't made a move to get closer yet. 

"Is that your way of breaking up with me?" 

I flung my whole body around to face him, my head lightly hurting but I didn't care. I was right in his face within seconds. 

"Can you be fucking serious for one second?! You know what they could have done to us!" I spat at him fuming. 

His eyes looked down at me, moving intensely around my face, his own jaw clenched. 

"I do know. I know all too well Serenity. But do you think when you looked at me like you did in that bed laying there, and asking me to do what you did, your damn eyes looking at me like that, that I really could have been capable of saying no?" He whispered into the space between us.  

His eyes. They were always so full of emotion. Whether it was playfulness, flirting, or like now, something else, they always betrayed to me what he was really thinking and feeling. Crystal blue and crystal clear right now, they told me what I was afraid to confirm. He meant again what he said. 

"You have to say no." I said, but whether I was saying it to him or myself I had no idea. 

His eyes were too intense right now. They made my head hurt more than the concussion had... 

"I think I get to chose that for myself 'renity," He huffed out, his breath lightly touching my cheek. 

"You're insane you know that? You know this cannot happen here. So... why? I swear if you're just looking to get lai-" I began before he cut me off with his lips. 

Once again his lips were on mine and all protests from me were silenced. As much as I didn't want to, I also equally wanted to. 

I ached for him. Why? I had no idea just yet. Maybe we were both just young, lonely souls that needed companionship and affection in this dead world? Was that selfish to ask? In a world where you could say the wrong word and die, was it too selfish to want some kind of comfort? 

-

Her lips were becoming a problem. 

I could barely walk around my own home without picturing her pinned against her door as I devoured her mouth. 

And fuck did it have me messed up. 

I knew I had crossed one of the most ultimate lines, but I could not help it. I didn't want to help it. She was so soft. She was so beautiful. She felt so right in my arms. 

I knew I was young. I knew she was young, but damn had I never wanted someone more. And it was someone I was forbidden to have. I couldn't take her to the movies or around the mall. I couldn't kiss her while walking in the park. I could kill us both just by holding her hand.

In this world, she wasn't mine let alone her own.  

And yet we both began this. Yet we both wanted it for some reason. Even with the risks. Even with reality constantly reminding us this could destroy us. Maybe it was the thrill? 

All I knew was that everything faded when she sighed into my mouth. It was just her body and mine. 

How long this would go on and how far this would take us, I think neither of us wanted to entertain much. We were just living in the stolen moments where we could actually feel something. I could feel her and she could feel me. 

As much as I wanted, I had silently vowed I wouldn't take this further than I already had after hearing her concerns... unless she looked at me again with those wide hazel eyes and begged me. Those doe eyes that pleaded with me and with just a single look broke down any resolve I had. 

"You realize what you've started haven't you?" said Mark beside me in the bricked room as I had just confessed my sins.  

His green eyes looked at me with obvious concern and as if I was crazy. 

We'd become somewhat friendly since meeting secretly with the others and spoke often at meetings like this.  

I nodded my head, toying with my hands. 

"Be careful Ezra... I don't know a lot of things worth more than your life..." he said sullenly. 

I knew that though. I had no intention to die. But that didn't mean it would stop my heart from beating incredibly fast when Serenity laughed or when she playfully slapped me during my shameless flirting or when she'd catch my gaze across a room.  

I didn't see that stopping anytime soon.