Dusk: A Handmaid's Tale Story

Chapter 12

Truthfully with as much trauma as I had already gone through, I didn't think the bombing would affect me past my physical wounds. 

But as I sat up in bed loudly gasping for air and clutching onto myself, I think I realized that wasn't the case. 

I could still see Ashley's frantic brown eyes under her white wings in my dreams. 

We hadn't spoken much, but I carried with me the disturbing thought that I was the last person to ever speak to her.  

She had to have had a family somewhere. She had to have been someone's daughter or sister. Would they ever know what happened to her? Would they ever know what Gilead did to her?

What would Gilead lead me to do? 

What would become of me?

I didn't realize I was beginning to hyperventilate from my spiraling thoughts until I heard Ezra's words in my ears, whispering sweetly and grounding me. 

"You're okay Serenity. You're safe. You're here with me. It's going to be alright."

I wanted more than anything to fully believe his words. I was with him. I was, at least at that moment, relatively safe. But that could change in a moment here. 

That would change in two days when we were scheduled for another Ceremony... 

This would be the first ceremony since my injuries and the first since things had changed so drastically between me and Ezra. 

Would that make a difference? 

Would it be somewhat easier to drift away mentally now that I had more tender thoughts to distract me? Would it make it harder because I now knew what a gentle intimate touch felt like? 

We hadn't talked about it yet. 

It was an inevitable truth in my circumstances. 

At the end of the day in Gilead, I was a Handmaid. This was my sole purpose. 

I knew the idea of Handmaids infuriated Ezra long before we ever even kissed. Despite being young and sometimes absolutely ridiculous, he had a far better heart and moral compass than all of Gilead's leadership combined. 

The worst part was that it was his own father that helped create this world. It was his own father that raped me with the intent to impregnate. There was no subtle way around that fact. 

As he held me I wished so desperately that I could truly just have the choice to melt into him. 

-

I couldn't stay in the house. 

With a half-assed lie, I found myself seething in the abandoned building the rebels use to meet at. 

How could I be in the same house where my father was doing...

Where Serenity...

My knuckles collided with a wall, decaying plaster splintering and pain blossoming from the impact. 

I couldn't do anything again. 

I couldn't stop it from happening again. 

How many times had it been now?

"Ezra. Please promise me you won't do anything. Please don't get yourself into trouble. I'll be okay. Just please... be there when I return. That's all I ask." 

Despite Serenity's plea before the Ceremony, I couldn't contain the pure rage and hatred I had toward my father and this fucking place. I had to leave. 

We had to leave. 

I had no doubt Serenity was strong, she had survived hell this long, but it killed every piece of me to know that she had to do so; to know what she had to endure to do so. 

We had to leave. 

I knew the truth. The truth that one else knew. My "father" wouldn't get her pregnant. He couldn't. He never had been capable. And if she didn't conceive soon, she would be moved to another house... to another man... to have this happen all over again. 

We had to leave. 

It was absolutely crazy and completely dangerous. It would take time to even attempt to plan this and time was something very fragile and unknown here. We needed more time. We needed to buy time to escape. I needed to play my cards right and gather my resources for us. For Serenity. 

We had to leave. 

The thought of what was happening to her made bile rise up in my throat. I had to think of a way to buy us time and prevent that from happening again, but I didn't have many ideas on how. 

"You're a complete nutjob for this Ezra. I truly think you have a death wish... I don't know what to tell you, man. This is suicide." Mark said sensing my conflicted state. 

"I know," I stated simply. Because I did know. 

He just sighed shaking his head, "It hasn't been done successfully much if I'm honest... Smuggling people out of Gilead, in general, is risky enough, but smuggling a Handmaid... they are basically government property. If you really want to do this, you're going to need some time." He informed me. 

This I also knew. 

"Got any ideas how to stall? I don't think me murdering my dad would give us too much time." I said plainly. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it many times...

He stroked his chin, "You're sure your dad can't get her... you know?" He carefully asked before my glare silenced him. 

"I'm sure," I said in an icy tone, not wanting to entertain that thought much. 

He sensed my message and ceased that idea quickly. But then he seemed to be carefully trending around something else... He was squirming. 

"Okay... Hear me out... This isn't ideal at all, but... W-What if... ya know... you..." Mark began to stumble over. 

His obvious discomfort was confusing me. 

What about me? What was he implying when he asked if my father could get her pregnant. What did I have to do wit-

"No," I said standing up. 

Absolutely not. 

He held out his hands, "Hey Ezra, hear me out, please... I know this isn't ideal... but nothing about this is. If she was... knocked up, you'd have at least several months of time. They wouldn't be able to touch her. She'd be under more protection from harm and she wouldn't be reposted somewhere else." 

I slammed my fist against the same spot of wall silencing Mark. 

"... I know these things! B-But how?! How could I possibly do that to her?! And even if we did, wouldn't that make her more at risk to escape? Think about all that could happen to her! I-I... I need to think about all this... I gotta go..." I confessed, getting anxious and frustrated as I paced the area around us. 

"I know... For what it's worth Ezra... I might think you're crazy, but I'm sorry you guys have to deal with this."

-

Serenity was waiting in my bed when I returned. 

Turning on the lights I noticed her huddled form under my blankets. 

I approached her carefully before she lifted her head toward me, eyes swollen and puffy. 

"Hey, you..." She murmured. 

I fell down on my knees next to the bed, just looking at her worn-out face. I hated seeing less life in her eyes than usual. 

"I'm sorry." 

"I know." 

And as she let me hold her, she carefully traced my bruised knuckles with such care that it made me wonder who was comforting who at that moment. Her finger trips trailing the slowly purpling shades until she began to fall into sleep. 

Soft in my arms, against my chest, I knew I was in too deep. 

We just had to leave.