Dusk: A Handmaid's Tale Story

Chapter 14

I'm not sure if everyone's first time with their partners was as calculated as mine, but then again my situation wasn't normal. Gilead made it that way. 

I was sitting on my bed as the sunset behind me through the windows that never open. The darkening colors of the sky reflected on my hands as they sat clasped in my lap. 

Ezra would be home soon and then our plan would go into effect. 

Despite it being Ezra I couldn't deny I was nervous. 

This wasn't a ceremony, in fact, Ezra was trying to do everything he could to ensure it wasn't anything similar to it, but I was still anxious for what I knew would take place. 

Deep breaths Serenity. Ezra isn't the Commander. He won't hurt you. 

Ezra and I had spoken in length about the boundaries for this "plan". If at any point either of us was unsure or uncomfortable, we would stop immediately. 

The thing is I wasn't uncomfortable or unsure with him, far from it in fact. 

If I was honest, part of me wanted to jump him badly. 

The physical attraction to him was undeniable and I knew it was mutual. We were young after all and incredibly deprived of affection and intimacy of any kind. This did nothing to soften the drive, only amplified it. 

I was nervous because this would be the first time I would willingly participate in intimacy.

My prior experiences, Gilead included, hadn't been the most pleasant. Hard to enjoy what you didn't want. 

This time despite the fact that this came about of the need for me to stay longer, I did want it. And I didn't want to mess it up even with the slight pressure behind it to conceive. 

I thought about Ezra. 

Ezra and his gentle touches and stolen passionate kisses. His cheeky remarks and yet blatant concerns for me. 

Ezra, who cared for me, enough to risk his life to try and ensure I wouldn't be shipped off to another stranger to be used. 

Ezra, who had feelings for me that grew even in this dark world. 

As I leaned sideways to peer through the door into his room, I thought back to have much we had gone through together and grown in. How we somehow developed forbidden emotions and they nurtured in an arid land... 

Was it fate? Destiny? Did I believe in predestined shit? I didn't know, but what I did know was that I was here and he was here. Destiny or not, we were going to do this. 

As I heard the door open carefully, my train of thoughts momentarily stopped, my brain turning to mush. I could have sworn a red, hot shiver trailed through me as he stepped in. 

-

I had no idea if Serenity was as nervous as I was about tonight. 

As I walked up the stairs to my room, passing all the closed doors and dimmed lights, I couldn't help but wonder. 

I hoped she was okay. 

God, I felt horrible... my mind and body were at odds and wrestling over this whole thing. 

I wanted her. Of course, I did. Serenity was... gorgeous physically. She was alluring and her eyes and lips caused me mental distress since she first arrived... Who she was as a person, the person I got to know, made her all the more desiring. My body made it very obvious that it agreed. 

But I just hadn't wanted it like this. It really not the most romantic or organic sort of setup. 

Yet as I made my way up the stairs to our floor, our hideaway, I know that it would likely be happening. 

We were both consenting adults. We both cared about each other. We both wouldn't push each other past what we were comfortable with and we knew that. Perhaps that's why as I grew closer and closer, the guilty nerves I had turned into a strange warm excitement; a thrill almost. 

Pushing open her door, I saw her turn herself toward me, her body highlighted by the lone light in her room and the glow from the moon. Her mouth was slightly agape as if pulled from an embarrassing thought and her face tinged a light pink. Her hair was not bound in her Wings and instead fell in waves which I secretly loved. Simply put, I wasn't exaggerating when I said she looked like some kind of goddess. 

"Hi."

"Hi."

Silence.

I took one step toward her and then another, my eyes never leaving hers the whole way as my body acted. 

The air in the plain room around us began to slowly spark and charge. My eyes a bright blue, clashing and colliding with her nearly green ones in an unspoken battle. No words were spoken and yet I could feel it. 

There was a dominance in my step as I grew closer and I could myself become fueled by the way her gaze seemed to darken... darken because of me. 

Her bottom lip curled subconsciously under her teeth and I nearly groaned at the gesture of anticipation, wanting to sink my own teeth against it. 

We were now only a few inches apart, feeling each other's inhales and exhales blowing mildly onto our cheeks and lips... My eyes shifted wildly between hers, gazing at her in awe. The seconds kept building up as if something was about to explode...

I felt like I would implode when her hand softly caressed my cheek, sliding across the skin until settling at the back of my neck, playing with the hair found there. I was frozen solid, waiting for her next move and eyes fluttering close in enjoyment of the feeling. 

Her facial expression had gone from embarrassed when I entered to now this darker and near sinful gaze... alight with a desire behind it. I had no doubt mine looked similar but I could just feel the ache in me growing stronger. 

I took a sharp inhale, "'renity," I exhaled, words coming out more ragged and airier than I had expected. 

I didn't have time to think much on this however because the same gentle hand that had been combing through my hair had now tugged it harshly forward and closed the gap between us, silencing any further words I could have. 

In an instant we were desperate, lips moving and mashing back and forth against each other. There was that clear battle, for what I didn't know. But I was more than willing to fight it because she was absolutely divine, fitting against me so warmly and the friction building between our lips as they moved. 

My hands clumsily reached for her, clutching her shoulders and then rubbing up and down her arms as we continued to kiss, one after the other, after the other. I couldn't tell where when started and one ended, but I knew I didn't want it to stop. The feel of her arms so soft and lips so hot making me light-headed. 

"M-My room," I gasped in between kisses. 

She barely nodded as we separated, her hair messy already and lips swollen, making them look bigger than ever before. 

The trip across our rooms had never been quicker as I locked my bright door and we attacked each other again, falling onto my bed. 

She groaned into my mouth and I let out a whimper at the sound. 

My hands began to roam across her shoulders again and upper chest, carefully testing the waters and ensuring I didn't overstep any boundaries, but she didn't even blink once at my actions. Taking this as a good sign, my lips unlocked from hers with a pop before I began to plant them in a trail down her jaw, mapping every piece of skin I could access. 

Serenity trembled under me, head thrown back and letting out another deep moan that sunk into the air. 

I couldn't get enough of her. I didn't want to. 

-

It was VERY evident Ezra's mouth was skillful at more than just being a smart ass. 

Author's Note: I have FINALLY updated. Sorry for the short update, but I wanted to get a build-up out of the way before the next chapter. Fair warning, it will be a bit mature so heads up on that. Thank you everyone for your patience and warm wishes! <3