Spotlights

If I Could Tell Him

TIME SKIP LIKE 4 MONTHS LATER BECAUSE IT IS NEEDED FOR PLOT DEVELOPMENT                   

(IT WAS LATE NOVEMBER BEFORE AND NOW IT'S EARLY MARCH)           

This chapter is pretty much Evan pining for Connor the entire time, I had 'If I Could Tell Her' playing on loop in the background for inspiration and this is what came out of it. Enjoy!                                               

Evan sat in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Today he was finally getting his cast removed. A part of him wanted it gone, removed from his life entirely, never to be seen again. But he also didn't want to give it up, solely for the words written on it and the symbolism they hold.  

The reminder of friendship, the reminder that he was not alone, the reminder of love. 

Evan laughed darkly at the thought. Of course he had to go and fuck up one of his few friendships by falling for Connor. Turning over, Evan groaned into his pillow. There was no way in hell Connor could possibly feel the same way, Evan was too much of a mess. 

Not to mention Connor's already stuck with him thus far, and he wasn't going to take a chance and ruin that. 

And so he kept it all inside his head, everything Evan saw, every little thing that made him want to scream out how much he loved Connor.  

When he smiled, his entire face lit up. Evan's seen plenty of Connor's faked smiles, mostly around his parents, but that's not what Evan was talking about. No, Connor's real smile was a thing of beauty, it was subtle, and perfect, and... real. 

And Connor had no idea of the effect it had on Evan, how wonderful it made him feel. 

And whenever he got bored, Connor started scribbling little stars on the cuffs of his jeans. Evan had just sat and watched him doodle in class before, mesmerized by this small habit. There had been one time Connor ran out of room on his own pants and so he moved to Evan's. Despite his mother's numerous attempts to wash them out due to Evan's lack of clothes to choose from, the small faded star marks remained persistent. And Evan couldn't have been happier about it. 

There were some days Evan wanted to tell him everything, thinking if he could just tell him, the worst Connor could do was say he didn't feel the same. 

But deep down Evan knew that wasn't true, because if he told Connor everything he saw, how Connor meant absolutely everything to him, and Connor didn't feel the same, it could push them a million worlds apart.                                                        

Besides, Evan didn't  know how he could even start.    

So instead, he got lost in a twisted world between reality and dreams. Remembering things how they were, wishing more than anything they were different, but never wanting them to change.  

Evan remembered there had been a week or so period when Connor had opted to put indigo streaks in his hair, just because. His father had hated it, claiming it took away what little masculinity Connor had left, but after a few screaming matches, Larry learned to keep his mouth shut. 

And he admired how Connor managed to walk through life, broken on the inside but beautiful nonetheless, like no one else was there. It was just him and Evan, and the rest of the world disappeared.  

"Honey, it's time to go!" Heidi called from the other side of the door, gently tapping it twice. Evan broke out of his daze, and jumped off the bed, trying to get to his shoes. This plan didn't exactly worked as he misplaced a hand, tripped over his foot and ended up face first in the carpet.   

After recovering he pulled on his shoes and stumbled towards the door. The memories of Connor were still fresh in his mind as Evan traced the faded letters of his name on the cast for the last time.