Spotlights

Reflections

TRIGGER WARNING: Mild homophobia, panic attacks  

Connor ran a hand through his hair, smiling as he looked down at his phone. A picture of Evan stared back up at him, he was currently at play rehearsal and had sent Connor a picture of him and Christine in full costume, both smiling brighter than the sun. 

It had been around a week or so since Evan and Connor had started "dating", the night they finally kissed still resonating in his mind. None of it seemed real. Connor wasn't really sure they were actually even dating, officially anyway, because neither boy had brought it up. 

Though, almost daily Connor was with Evan, and when he wasn't thoughts of Evan consumed his mind. Many more kisses had been exchanged since that night, each one better than the last. But it didn't matter to Connor whether their relationship was official by the terms of society or not. Because Evan was his and he was Evan's. 

And that's enough.                            

Connor looked at the time on his phone, realizing it was nearly time for him to leave and pick up his boyfriend. Rising from his bed, Connor's smile didn't leave his face even as he walked into the kitchen where his family was congregating for dinner. It had been so long since he'd felt this peaceful, content, happy. 

"Hey, mom." he said, grabbing an apple from the brightly colored glass bowl on the counter, "I'm gonna go pick up Evan, we might go out the orchard again, I'm not sure yet."  

Connor had yet to tell his family about his ongoing relationship with Evan, the only one who really knew was Zoe and that was simply because the events of prom needed explaining. So to the rest of the Murphy household, Connor and Evan were still just best friends and nothing more. 

Or at least, that's what he thought. 

"Connor..." Cynthia started, glancing over to where Larry sat at the table, Connor now noticing the stare his father was giving him and the way Zoe fidgeted nervously in her seat. He'd been so caught up in his own feelings, he'd been unable to read the room, which reeked of animosity and fear. "Connor, we need to talk."  

"O-okay." Connor mumbled, smile faltering as Larry wordlessly motioned for him to sit down. He did so after setting the apple back in the bowl, giving Zoe a questioning glance which she immediately turned away from. His father was the first to speak. 

"Tell Evan you're not picking him up." he said, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms.

"What?" Connor whipped his head back around to face him. 

"Tell Evan that you are not picking him up." Larry repeated. 

"Why the fuck would I-" 

"Because I told you to do so and don't you dare use that tone with me, understood?" 

Connor was already fed up with this bullshit, shoving back his chair and making a move to leave, "Fuck this." he mumbled, striding towards the door. 

"SIT DOWN." Larry yelled, and Connor froze, turning to look behind him. The temptation to argue back was more prominent than ever, it had been a good long while since Connor and his father had engaged in a screaming match and now he was itching to fight. He opened his mouth to retaliate, but it was Cynthia's pleading expression that had Connor somehow seated back in the chair, exchanging death glares with his father. 

"What do you want?" Connor growled out, his gaze falling towards the table. Leave it to Larry to ruin a perfectly good day. 

"You ungrateful little-" he started, starting to rise from his seat before Cynthia held up a hand to stop him. 

"Just- let me handle this, okay?" Larry nodded.  "Connor... it's been brought to our attention that you and Evan are - um..." A bolt of fear shot through Connor's heart as his parents exchanged a look, "in a relationship." she finished, glancing back up at her shaking son. 

Connor refused to be caught off guard, he refused to let Larry have the upper hand. 

"Yeah, so?" 

"Well, it's just-" 

"It's just what? Wrong? Disgusting? It's just that you couldn't possibly fathom having a gay son?" Connor cut her off, ignoring the sharp pain in his heart and the tears welling in his eyes. There it was, everything was out in the open, the secret he'd been keeping from his family for far too long. 

"Look..." Larry took a deep breath, closing his eyes, "Zoe informed us-" 

"What?" Connor hissed, slamming his hands on the table and standing up, finally turning his rage filled glare to his sister. "Zoe. What do they mean? What did you say?" 

"Connor Murphy-" 

"No. I want to hear it from her. What did you tell them?"              

"I-I-" she stuttered out, tears falling down her face. This only enraged Connor more, she had no right to be crying, to be playing the victim when he was the one who had been betrayed. 

"CONNOR, STOP IT NOW!" Larry yelled, standing across from Connor. "She told us nothing more than the fact that you and Evan are... together." He took a pause in between, as if merely saying the words was revolting to him. "And yes, going back to your earlier point, it's not natural." 

"I-" Connor was cut off by his father once more. 

"Which is why I've arranged for you to get help." 

Connor didn't know why, but it was these words that sent the tears flowing, that opened the floodgates that he'd kept firmly shut. 

"W-what do you mean help?"  

"We're sending you away for a little while, until this whole things blows over." His father was showing no emotion, and Connor barked out a laugh at his words, not bothering to wipe his tears away, wouldn't give Larry that satisfaction. 

"AND YOU WONDER WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO FUCKING TELL YOU ANY OF THIS-" Connor screamed, anger overflowing. 

"Well, maybe if you'd more truthful and upfront like your sister-" 

"OF COURSE! WHY COULDN'T I HAVE BEEN MORE LIKE HER? ZOE HAS FRIENDS, ZOE GOES TO SCHOOL, ZOE DOESN'T HAVE FUCKING METLDOWNS. SHE'D NEVER PUSH SOMEONE, SHE'S NOT PARANOID, SHE'S NOT A GOD DAMN FUCKING PHYCOPATH, SHE DIDN'T TRY TO KILL H-" Connor cut himself off there, stopping his next words from leaving his mouth. His family was already convinced he was damaged, he was broken, he didn't need to influence them more. "And I- I am fucking disgusting." 

    Everything was too much for Connor, he could barely see past the stream of tears rolling down his face as he ran out of the kitchen and into the hall bathroom, slamming the door behind him. His back was flush against the door and Connor looked up to see his reflection staring back at him. 

He almost laughed at how pathetic he looked.

Tangled and greasy hair, red eyes, snot and tears running down his face. A trembling, pathetic mess. His breathing was uneven and labored, and his heart was shattering.

"She's good. I'm not." he whispered, closing his eyes before he hit the floor.