||Koi No Yokan|| Park Seonghwa

||Chapter 28||

Numbness is the most intense feeling ever.

The phrase itself, feeling numb, sounds paradoxical: how is one supposed to feel the absence of emotions if there's no emotion, to begin with? But then, your body reacts to this absence, and that feeling creeps in. That feeling where your limbs grow cold, your chest gets heavy without any real pressure.

Suddenly you're walking on a one-way road, scrambling for a map to find a different path, a different exit. But then the road starts disappearing too, the map becomes useless. And you keep putting one foot in front of the other, hoping you're going the right way in the void, where there's not even a "way" to begin with. And then, the realization kicks in; why keep walking?

And eventually, you stop. You just sit and wait for the void to accept your presence.

Hongjoong felt numb.

Ever since he had lifted his mark off Carys, he couldn't help but feel like that: sure, Apollo's gift was keeping him alive, but on the inside? He felt nothing. Maybe it was better this way. Maybe his brain decided to just completely block every emotion to protect him.

The poppies that grew outside and inside his cave looked just fine, so why worry? He would've been fine too, eventually. Or at least that's what he hoped.

His mind went to his mother's last visit: after Jongho had left, she let him explain all the events that brought him to risk his life. He didn't hold back on the details; somehow, describing the excruciating pain he had been through and the hurricane that hit him when he realized his feelings for Carys were real made him feel like he was narrating someone else's story, observing from afar. It made it less painful.

His mother was listening carefully, encouraging him to go on for hours on end if necessary: when pain clouds your mind, you can never see the truth in front of your own eyes, that's what she would always say.

The hand that caressed his hair was unexpectedly firm, and warm: the small act of comfort had him lean into her touch, tears prickling his eyes.

"I have created you out of my own flesh and bones, so I do not doubt in my mind that you are strong enough to get through this. Take time to heal yourself from the inside, just in the way you would take care of your flowers here, and don't push away those feelings that you told me about..."

But what if I feel nothing at all? he wanted to ask.

He laid on the ground and closed his eyes: he refused to stay a moment more in his bed, after spending the last week there, unable to move.

Maybe he should've gone with his mother: darkness had always been comforting for him after all. But when he looked at the empty chair where Carys sat when she visited him after the incident, the spot on the ground where the signs of the ritual still laid... he couldn't bring himself to do it. Plus, he couldn't abandon Seonghwa when it was clear now that Aphrodite was on the warpath.

And still, he never wished to see her ever again, for her own good- that's what he said to himself. Seeing her suffer because of him was unbearable, so he'd rather not see her at all, especially considering how much she had risked because of his mark.

Let her be happy; I'll just wait here, he thought as he opened his eyes to stare at the void.

He didn't know what he was waiting for.

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The first thing Carys saw when she opened her eyes was her bedroom's ceiling.

She didn't feel the rest of her body at first, but slowly her brain took in the notion of her feet, legs, abdomen, chest, arms, and hands still being there.