.Life Of A Trapped Wolf.

-12-

I was surrounded by darkness, voices swimming around my but vanishing before I could understand them.

"I-I'm dead." I whispered as cold gripped at my body and felt faint, none existent.

Is this what survivors talk about? The last regrets? No matter the pain that drives any of them to the choice of ending it all something makes them not want to do it... But I am not like them, I failed, I failed to stop.

I don't want to disappear. I don't want to die, I am so sorry... Oh my goddess.

"Life has not been fair to you. No one should have to go through this."

I gasped and faced a woman that appeared ahead of me, blue hair floating as if in water as gentle eyes stared at me with a soft and sorry smile.

"Moon goddess." I whispered, tears free to flow down my face. "Why? Why me?"

"I might be your goddess but know I am not the only one, I watch over your fates but do not write them, I just select the best mates for you wolves, even if you meet them at the wrong moment they are meant for you."

"All my life.... It has been pain."

"And even if you go back now, it won't be easy."

I tensed up... Go back?

"I can go back?" I breathed out.

"You can, you either turn around and walk through the light or grab my hand and be offered a new life, I cannot tell you which is the best choice, both have good and bad to them... What does your heart say?"

My heart?

My heart is gone, dust in my chest, pain even coming with me in death.

But if this really my fate?

I wished for all to end for so long, to die for so long... But now? Why am I hesitating?

So many reasons to take her hand, so many.








But...








Asher.




Crystal.




Sky.




Or even Nat.





Why can't I just leave them behind?




Are they really enough to make this life worth it?








And...




And Carla...







Is she really enough to make this life worth it?








Is any of this enough?








"Have you made your choice?" I looked up at the goddess and swallowed thickly.

"I... I have," I whispered.

"Then what is your choice?"








Is life with them worth it?








"My choice.... Is... My choice is..." I hesitated.

"You will need to be sure of the choice as it is irreversible, you need to want it."








Is it?








"I know."

"Then be sure what you choose Ashley."








Is... It?








I took a deep breath and nodded.




"So what is your choice?"

"It is worth it." I said."It might hurt and break me... I might get worst even... But I can't leave my sister alone in the world, I can't leave my wolf to pass on to another wolf... I cannot leave Carla for any reason."

The goddess smile slightly wider and nodded slowly.

"Thank you," I whispered, backing into the light she spoke about, she tilted her head to the side with a smile.

Live life and you'll see how good it can get." Was all I heard before everything faded away.







Beep... Beep...Beep.




That annoying beeping noise was the first thing that caught my attention... That?

I blinked a few times... A hospital room?

I'm supposed to be... Dead... What? The goddess... What?

I push myself up in a sitting position, pain flaring in my thighs and arms, I looked down to see them covered in bandages, needle in my arm that connected to an IV and monitoring pads on my arms and stuff... the fuck am I doing here last thing I remember is?

I felt like I was watching my memories from outside my body, memories not matching what I did, memories the felt real but I hadn't done that.



(It will get a little bloody so if you still don't do good with suicide or self-harm skip to the next bold text like this one)

I locked my room door and threw away the key, I won't need it anyway.

I turned on the water and the bath slowly filled as I stabbed the kitchen knife in my leg.

I fell on my knees, gasping for air because of the pain but I cut in my legs over and over, tears streaming down my face, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to....

I thought that over and over as I turned off the water when the bath was full, I stood on shaky legs and cut in my arms, I looked like a blood covered monster..... I was one anyway.

I was so violent with my knife slices that blood covered the walls like if it was a murder scene from a horror film.

My arms were shaking as I scribble a big 'sorry' on the wall with my blood, I simply wanted to stop living.

My feet slipped, and I hit my head on the side of the bath nearest to the wall, finishing with my top half in the water. I did nothing as this was my plan in the end, it happened on it's own so it's better since I feel less guilty about it...

I hold my breath from a reason I can't explain... Hey? Isn't that banging on my door?.... No no one is at home at this time.

My eyes grow heavy as red clouds my vision, my blood mixing with the water as I slowly opened my mouth and blow out all the air, holding a little bit of my breath once again before I inhale deeply.

My body automatically gasps for air, coughs and jerks to try to get the water out but it only got more water filling my lungs, soon everything goes black and silent, I slip away.




(Okay, you can read again)

"The past was rewritten so that you could survive, those memories being the truth now... Live your second life to the fullest" I heard the goddess' whisper and just stared at the wall, she did this for me? Just because I chose to live? The event was changed to one I would survive? Why? Why? Thank you... So much...

I reach for my neck to find I really have no problem breathing at all... but how am I alive? I know she changed the past but I still ended up in the tub and drowning.

I hear a door open and hear a gasp, cutting my line of, though.

"OH MY GOD!!!" And a body slams in to me, it hurt a lot but I bit down on my tongue.

I was shocked at the sparks I felt and looked down to see Carla hugging me around the waist, instantly my heart, that was already as good as ash, goes up in flames of pain and suffering again.

"Oh my god Ashley! I was so worried when I saw you in the bath so... So... S-so" I knew what she meant but she couldn't talk as I feel the hospital clothes I wear getting wet and her shoulders shaking... She's crying but why? I mean nothing to her...

"Why?" I could tell... If she knew what happened in that bathroom... She must have been the one that found me.

"W-what?"

"Why? Why?! Why did you do it?!" I was getting angrier, does she need to fuck up everything doing with me?!

I tried to calm down as I choose to live but this anger invaded all the pores of my body, blazing in my chest, such a primal and uncontrollable at the fact she helped me that I couldn't control it.

"Wha--" "Why couldn't you just leave?! I did that for a purpose! Why do you need to fuck up everything that's connected to me?!"

"I care for you! You bastard!"She yelled, shutting me up, helping my irrational anger be snuffed out."I was so scared when I saw that note! And when I found you, half underneath bloody water without breathing I thought my own heart was going to stop at the sight! You don't know how many days and nights of guilt and nightmare you put me through!!!" She yelled with more tears in her eyes.

"Car--" "I thought I had lost you! I thought I arrived too late! Do you know how much stress and horror that caused me?! I can still see you dead in front of me every second I try to close my eyes to sleep!" She cut me off.

"Why would you care about losing me? I mean nothing to yo--" "You mean the fucking world to me!" I was cut off again as she grabbed the side of my face as she yelled before forcefully kissing me.

I sat there in shock, wide eyes, unable to move as my brain tried to understand what was going on, I chose to live for her but hadn't expected this outcome.

She backed away just enough to lay her forehead against mine, still holding my face.

"I was so so so stupid to have told you that, I'm sorry, I will leave you alone if that's what you wish me to do but say it to my face now that you want nothing to do with me so I can try to forget these feelings of mine." I stay silent and she stands up normally again, letting me go as her eyes shine with new tears as mind did too.

She turns away, ready to leave but I caught her arm, not caring about the sheering pain in my arm at the sudden movement.

"Don't leave." I say, barely above a whisper, none of us moves for a long time before she faces me again intertwining our fingers.

"Ashley... Do you want me to be with you or not after all that happened?" She asked, bringing up our interlocked hands in front of her face and she kisses my knuckles."Even after all I did, do you still want me as a mate?" She asks, letting our hands hang.

My only answer is pulling my hand close to me, causing her to stumble forwards and end up kissing her again.

One of the pains in my life leaving, lifting up from my chest and losing its grip on my heart.

I guess I can try having this life turn out good.







it is worth it.








she jumped away as the door was opened violently and we both stared at my displeased sister.




"we'll need to talk" was all she said but it promised trouble for all.